A Finishing School For Men

.......But why finish when you don't have to Start?

What is the purpose of a 'finishing school'? A place (for people with ogles of money) to polish ones etiquette, learn how to cook and perhaps pick up some pretentious mannerism hide insecurities and annoy the population at large. Traditionally, Women have been recipients of the Finishing School treatment. Now, one could hardly contend that the women of Pakistan need these finishing schools to 'hone' their skills (for all those who doubt this assertion, ask your nearest 18 year old girl to make a half decent chapatti and let me know how the food poisoning treats you).

Man-ners

Men on the other hand are cast adrift onto the world with the motto, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But I think now the time has come that equality reigns supreme, if women can bat their eyes into a finishing school that makes them more womanly, men deserve the same modicum of respect and accessibility to refine and strut their manliness.

Haha, you're right, Egyptian Cotton is FABULOUS!

Now, the curriculum for a Men's Finishing School would be catered to a fairly faulty concept of what a stereotypical Pakistani man should be, coupled with some skills that would endear them to their partners and make them suitable for marital bliss.

Spitting spreads diseases, so get ready for some good old fashioned chemical warfare.

 Every Pakistani male should be well versed in the traditional art of spitting paan, and not just the act or the distance, but the size, velocity and general texture of the paan spit. It's imperative that this institution school the male youth to be the best paan spitters the world has ever seen. To this end, an inter-city paan spitting championship will be held.

Whatta Pose?

No Pakistan is really complete, without having substantive skills in the seduction of women, being taught how to pronounce fraaAAanship, Solid and Tight are just a few of the words that the finishing school courses will focus on to ensure that a Pakistani male can get ridiculed by attractive (and not so attractive women on a continuous basis. There will also be in depth training into the mysteries of Facebook stalking and how to fraanship girls with message of love, honor and Lassi.

It has been often noted that a man is fairly partial to his mothers cooking and tends to not appreciate his wifes cooking with the same fervor. A Men's finishing school would ensure that the Men's diet would consist of nothing but the worst possible food, this will result in men, relishing any partially cooked food put in front of them. This will additionally serve as a diet, to return the traditional Pakistani male to the lean mean conquering machine sort.

Disgusting looking but delicious

In an age of video games, computer games and board games, Pakistan's sporting heritage is slowly being lost, however a Men's Finishing School would seek to address the situation by putting its participants through a strenuous physical regimen of Cricket, Kabaddi, Basket Ball and Hockey. Increasing a man's proficiency with wooden sticks is as important as knowing how to utilize ones body strength. The purpose of the basket ball training is to assist men in their efforts to toss their dirty clothes into their laundry bucket without missing.

Consistently Disgusting.

Women tend to have a terrific propensity to multi-task, men tend to fall short in that respect, but with proper training at a Man's Finishing School, one can be confident that a man can be trained to pay attention to his partner for a prolonged period of time......whilst watching a hearty game of cricket....or playing brick breaker.

Not the right kind of therapy.

Therapy will be provided to all the scholars of the Finishing school to ensure that any emotional feeling are quickly suppressed, killed, disposed off and preferably drowned.....in Zamzam water. A Pakistani man is expected to have the emotional sensitivity of a brick wall. In order to extinguish any feelings of emotion, the men will be required to stoically watch cricket matches of Pakistan losing to India.....on repeat.

Haha, jokes on you, Desi Men are as perfect as we're gonna be!

How it has come to a point, shamefully I might add, that decent Pakistani men are also in need of a finishing school to hone their manliness skills is a question well worth asking. I blame the media.

A version of this article appeared in the Dawn Newspaper.Allegedly. I think. Possibly.

Platonic Friendships: I Call Bull Shit!!!

Platonic friendships are defined as affectionate, non-sexual relationships. I don't think men don't typically have them with women. I doubt anything resembling platonic friendships actually exists. The only platonic inter-sex friendships that exist are between guys and their buddy's girl friend; It’s because we go into Bhaabi mode. Other than that, a girl may as well believe that she's walking around with a bull’s eye on her backside. Even if she's ugly, after all, there is somebody for everybody. 

A girl knows that a guy is interested in them, but she isn't interested in him, so she makes him, her platonic friend. The only way she can make this utterly and completely clear is requesting him as her 'brother' on Facebook. Short of that she's leaving open the possibility that even though you aren’t Mr. Right, you may be Mr. ‘Eh Alright’, which is wise since majority of women fear becoming an old maid.  

Guys pretend to be platonic friends because they want to be more something later, or they buy that crap women spew that I like to get to know the person better before they date....complete lies, a woman will either date you or she won't, she'll use you till you become wiser...take it as a lesson learnt and applaud yourself for trying.

If you are a guy and want to remain a glorified back up to a girl who thinks she can get something better, but if she can't fingers crossed that she see's you Mr. ‘I’m just the Friend’ as a viable backup option, then by all means go ahead.

Men do exactly the same thing, particularly with girls who we'd feel ashamed showing off to our friends (however, in the right circumstances we may be willing to invest in plastic surgery...seriously).

Is it actually subconsciously manipulative to have such relationships?...yes, but it works both ways and benefits both parties. It fulfills some of the relationship functions of having someone to talk to about your day with a member of the opposite sex, solid practice on light flirting and tremendous ego boosts.

I always wondered why parents get upset when their kids are up late hours at night talking to the opposite sex. Well, it's because they are worried about WHY they are talking. And naturally, they've already figured out that there is no such thing as 'just friends', How many married men do you know that have a chick as their best friend.....does the number ZERO match your tally?

That is also why when men get married they are forced to give up their platonic female friendships, call it a by product of being married to the opposite sex. It’s not that women are generally insecure about their partners fidelity, but they are aware how conniving other women are and how dumb men can be (once our ego is stroked, we go back for more).

Men use platonic friendships with women to gain insight into the opposite sex, we don't understand women, so we create 'fraanships' to get some intel...that's just smart use of available resources.

Men make friends with girls because they want to be in a position where they are able to squeeze into a position where women lean on them, and once they are reliant, they pull the plug. Nice strategy if there ever was one, as once that girl realizes that she can't take platonic boy toy for granted unless they date them...genius really, particularly how needy women are and once they become reliant on having a guy to 'deal' with them...well, then that’s the ball game.

Women use men through these platonic friendship to do things that they would usually ensnare their boyfriends into doing, whether it is running errands, taking them shopping, etc all whilst screaming to the world, 'We're just friends, what is wrong with you' etc etc well, I hate to break it to you, but lean back and think for a second why a man is putting himself through hell (we don't enjoy hanging out at kapra centers or playing chauffeur) to please you....it's not because he wants to be 'your friend'. Odds are that he has plenty of friends who like doing things that other men would likely be classified as 'fun'. 

The friendship that he’s looking for has an exercisable option clause where they can become friends with additional benefits that may cultivate into a relationship of the sort that a girls parents wouldn't be a huge fan off. Most men don't do things like that just to be 'nice', they do it because they have an end game in mind. And if that end game doesn't involve that girl or her friends, it consists of developing female expertise. 

Practice makes perfect, the more female friends you have, the more likely you are to successfully manage and deal with women. Platonic friendships....bleh. More like friends with benefits (halal or otherwise). 


A version of this Article appeared in Dawn Images

June 14th

Different days mean different things to different people, maybe it's a part of us all being different. And June 14th means something to me, because in addition to it being International Blood Donor day and USA's Flag Day (no idea what that actually means), it's also my Birthday. Yes, I've managed to make it 25 despite rolling through life with the co-ordination of a drunk baby. Whoo Me.

The first thing I do on any birthday is thank my Mother. I have a rather super-sized head, and even though I didn't as a kid, it still shocks me how Mother love their kids even after the pain of child birth. Now that's L.O.V.E. Hell, my mother even makes me a dish of Lasagne on my birthday and still re-affirms her love for me. How awesome is that? No wonder none of my brothers are married, those are stratospheric standards to live up to.

My Dad has this habit of remembering the exact time when all of us were born, so he recounts that story with glee...probably in appreciation that he wasn't wearing my Mom's shoes that day. But my sweetest part of talking to my Dad is how he tells me how much he loves me and is proud of me. For a son, there is no higher compliment than his father being proud of him and that's the moment I cherish.

I never really wanted a whole lot for my birthday minus the usual childhood yearnings for GI Joes, Play Stations etc, because frankly, I didn't need a whole lot. I may want a new laptop or sleek new car, but I'd never ask for it. After all, I live a pretty good life. I even remember the day that I realized how insanely lucky I was; I had gotten some money from somewhere (Eid I think) and I had watched a documentary on some starving kids in Africa with acute goiters. Pretty sad stuff for a five year old kid to watch and I couldn't help bawling my eyes out, for me being hungry was the ten step walk to my over packed kitchen to delve into any of two stuffed fridges. So that night, I couldn't sleep so I went to my mother cried some more, gave her the money and told her that I didn't deserve it and went to bed....and finally slept like an angel (well, as much of an angel as a destructive five year old).  

To this day I find it offensive and extremely uncomfortable when I haggle with an obviously poor man over his goods at a store (by store I mean blanket on a sidewalk), even if I feel like he's cheating me. Particularly when I take into account that I spend more on a single night out than he does on rent. My issues in life are getting pissed off at my Driver/Chauffeur for arriving late to pick me up, and his involve making enough money to afford the bus ride home so he doesn't have to walk 5 miles to get home. 

I'll bitch and whine over the increase in electricity tariffs, where his issues are being able to afford an electricity connection in the first place and the sad thing is that the few extra hundred rupees a month (several US dollars) has zero impact on my lifestyle. Now maybe this makes me weak (which I've often been told by my more practical friends), and susceptible to being hoodwinked out of a few bucks, but the truth is that I am lucky enough to afford it and the only reason I am is thanks to an accident of birth, but what I can't live with the thought that that poor guy, toiling (fairly) honestly for his daily bread has to go without so I can enjoy a fancier cell phone or yet another Egyptian cotton hand stitched shirt. Frankly, it'll make me feel disgusted with my self, and every birthday I have I remind myself of that bare essence of humanity that I have left with the full knowledge that I'll be answering to God for the starving of many in the midst of plenty.  Depressing right? 

We all have a sense of pride with regards to our Birthday, like it's supposed to mean something, and I personally like my birthday. It's in the middle of summer, so no worrying about school or exams (Work on the other hand is another matter), weathers always pretty fantastic (I'm a child of the Desert) and best of all it's simply my day. None of my friends share a birthday with me (well a few distant ones, but I've long forgiven them for that).

We tend to look at Birthdays as a marker for our lives, where we assess what we've done, and what we still hope to achieve and combine that with traditional whining how we expected to have accomplished XYZ by then. But the truth is that age never really mattered to me. I don't feel any more mature than I did when I was 24 or 23....or 16 for that matter. I have a lot more life experiences which I hope put me in greater stead in terms of decision making (I Hope), and I try to be a better person than I was the year before, and I sometimes doubt that I am better, a lot more desensitized to certain things like corrupt politicians, suicide bombing, power outages, mass murderers (not), poor governance etc, and I doubt that makes me any better.

Today is my Birthday and tomorrow will be another day, and inside I hate the idea of tomorrow not being my very own day, but then again, so be it. Life goes on, there will (God Willing) be more Birthdays to celebrate and more tests for me undertake.

Why is it so special to me? Honestly, I have no fucking idea. Maybe the fact that it does mean something to me, without actually knowing why makes it Truly Special.

Personal Assistants: Thumbs UP!

Why I Wrote This:

Everywhere I look around, people are busier, more stressed and just plain pressed for time. The electronic revolution makes it a bit too easy to book every second of your day, whether it's meeting, running errands or just being social. Sleep and spending time on your relationships is taking a back door to your work life. There needs to a balance.  

My solution is having a Personal Assistant. Personal assistants are awesome. I am of the firm belief that everyone (who can afford one) ought to have one. They are just so bloody useful in every possible context and you are guaranteed to have a life that's much easier to manage and much more fun.  

1. What Lines? No more standing in lines...ever. Passport office, McDonald's, License Bureau etc, you will always have a spot saved by your PA. Maximize your valuable time. Don't waste your life away standing in lines, particularly as you can get someone else to do it for you. This will also save you from having to make inane infuriating conversation with people also standing in line. You are better than that, you have a PA Dammit!

2. No More Errand Hopping: Don't have to waste time running crappy errands anymore. Ever. Your PA can take care of bills, shopping, market, buy crap, etc. If your PA buys something incorrectly and your wife gets mad, you can just blame it on the PA and absolve yourself of any blame. Dammit, you are waaay too important to spend your day at the freaking florist. 

3. Human Calender & Appointment book: PA can remind you of important meetings and pull you away from annoying people that you might be talking to. He can also be trained to introduce you to hot women and act as your wing man. No more Fat Chicks (thumbs up!). Also, more importantly, no more missed anniversaries and having to spend nights on the pull out couch. Solid Win. 

4. Aggression Management Training: Never be mad at your partner again. Take out all aggression on your Personal Assistant. Either through physical beatings or mental torture. Either of which can be televised via the web; the footage might even make a crappy yet profitable reality show. Your partner will also appreciate how nice you are to her and all of her friends will be insanely jealous of her (which is basically what she is interested in).

5. Someone to Talk To (or At): Good sounding board, you can talk to him almost like a friend, but ignore his advice and he won't mind. It's his job to listen. In fact, he'll know how tough your life really is and tell everyone he'll come into contact with just as much. He'll be your personal Public Relations director. Besides, you'll save a tonne of money on therapy. 

6. Plausible Deniability: Tell lies to your spouse, to your employees, and just random people just so you don't have to....think about it as sin prevention insurance. After all, you can't possibility be out with your friends (or your corporate mistresses) if your P.A swears upon his Mommas life that your in an important 3 AM meeting with Japan!!! 

7. Catering to your Needs: PA can act as advance scout for you when arranging or confirming meetings, he can tell the organizers what you like in terms of food, seating, allergies, diet, drinks etc. I personally hate it when I attend a meeting and all they have to offer is crap food that I don't love. Regardless of how the meeting goes, I'm going to be peeved off. Take care of me, and I'll take care of you. Listen to my PA, it's good for business. 

8. Excellent Legal Protection: Anytime the government or any law suit is placed against you, contend that your PA abused his position and took decisions without your knowledge. You are then in the clear and can sip Virgin Margaritas with your latest PA in Cancun. If Berni Madoff has a PA, he wouldn't be know 'Easy Suzy' in Jail (or in fact be behind bars).  

9. Fun to Show off: Not only will everyone think how important you are, but your friends (who are cool enough to have PA's) can compete on who can make their PA's do the most messed up things. You can also have your PA's fight each other and place bets. Female PA's will obviously earn a higher salary for such activities. 

10. Presence Substitution: You can send your PA to meetings you don't want to attend. After all, your a very important person, so you can send a senior member of your staff to an event that you desperately wanted to attend...because there is a special 24 Marathon on that night that's vital for um... business. 

The Big Idea:

Get over your stressed out life, and make some space for the more important things...like Me Time. And the best way to do that is by Exploiting your PA; It has a lot of tangible benefits. It's also legal via a rad legal agreement. Get a PA, reduce unemployment and live the life of a happy Baller. 

Got any Laid off Homies?

The Global Economy is still in shambles. If one doubts that, then I'd recommend checking their respective countries level of unemployment as compared to last year.

There were a round of layoffs in a large local media organization recently, luckily as far as I know none of my friends were axed (none of them make enough money to warrant firing, talk about market efficiency). But it still made me think.....

How do you do with people who have recently lost their jobs? There is no play book....so I have come up with several awesome courses of action. 

A: Leave them alone, go out have a bloody good time and compensate for their unhappiness by having a particularly legendary time. Although this may be highly enjoyable, and help you reduce the stress that they are going to be putting on your relationship with their whining and sulky, it may be a tad unkind. But there must be balance in the world. and there is no point for two people to be unhappy. Karma means balance. So if one is unhappy, you should make it your goal for that period of unhappiness to be super gay. It doesn't matter if it means, spending a week at a 24 hour rave; you must man up and bring balance back to the Universe! Probability of you feeling better is 100%, your friends would be markedly less, but thats the point of the balance. 

B: Get said friend and use him/her (preferably her) as a wing man/woman. The sadness of their predicament will garner sympathy from the opposite sex. Chicks will also dig that your blowing of a night of reckless partying to support your friend and hence you will score massive brownie point. In fact, your probability of scoring will conservatively increase by several thousand percentage points. Your friend may get laid too, but your primary focus should be one Number One. 

C: Find a place for them to relax and fume. And give them some company in case you feel like they may be suicidal (remember to bring your video camera along, media orgs' pay a tonne of money for that sort of stuff). Just kidding, of course your going to prevent any suicidal behavior from manifesting itself. Find a serene environment for them to relax, a spa treatment at a local parlour with a hot masseuse perhaps (complete with happy ending if your nice like that). 

D: Get them a hooker. If they aren't up for the idea, pay a hooker to seduce him/her unsuspectingly. At the very least it cheers them up and released the tension, best case scenario you have an awesome story to recount till the end of time. 

E: If this is a female friend and she is particularly sad, tell her how much you love her and want to marry her (even though you definitely don't), she'll think your the sweetest person in the world and she'll appreciate you for whatever it is she thought you did (men don't have a clue what women think, the sounds they make may as well be alien), and the desirable outcome has been reached as you've made her forget her problems (and actually made her your problem). The downside to this is that if she accepts....your fucked (even if your already married, Islam allows 4 wives)

F: Convince their boss that they are having a mental breakdown and if they are not rehired that everyone at the company may be unfortunately killed by Black water and your friend's pet poisonous  Tarantulas (they are tricky little buggers) if your friend isn't rehired at double his current salary. To show that you are serious, kill the boss's gold fish. 

G: Tough Love: Yell at them for being their top performer not saving their company for the ignominy of firing them. This may be harsh, but I convince for a few, this experience will make them stronger. If you really love them, then hire them to be your Personal Assistant and instill some tough work ethic into them, they'll eventually appreciate the mental pain, long hours, low pay and asshole boss.