Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Pakistan Tourism Policy 2010

I recently read a piece on Pakistan's Tourism policy; basically on how it should be improved with cheaper lodging, modest travel costs etc. Now I was amazed that the government even had a tourism policy (or a ministry....or tourists for that matter), but lo and behold, Pakistan does! With a Snazzy website, Who would have thought it? 

Now I have some ideas on how to bring Pakistani Tourism on the upswing!

Make your Millions Campaign! ( Generously Funded by the US Terrorism Watch List). 

Main Slogan "Broke? No Problem, Grab your Gun and We Got You!"

Expertly release news items stating how Al Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah etc are all actually located in Pakistan (so they can keep the local domestic terrorists company, we probably have the highest domestic terrorist per capita in the world! Take That Ripleys!), this will modestly result in a jack pot of tourism. 

With properly placed ads on Fox News (CNN and the liberal media viewers are wusses), Black Water and every mercenary hunting group in the world will come and seek out these guys for the big US Bounty on their heads! There can even be vacation packages for the retired ex military chaps! 

In my mind, that translates into at least 200,000 guys (Pakistan is a big country). Dog the Bounty Hunter might even shoot a few seasons here....he'll never be short of challenges, we'll even comp him room and board (Pakistani's are generous like that). Yay Reality TV! And Bounties....and Booties, but I digress. 

A negative side effect may be a US Coalition led invasion...though to be fair Fiji and Haiti have their own problems right now, so they may need to skip on that. Though if an invasion took place, that's easily half a million troops/tourists right there! Imagine the tourist bucks! And then there are the international NGO's, development organizations etc, Volumetric awesomeness guaranteed. 

Since Pakistan has the innate ability to spew out a new generation of crazies by the clock, this will be a long term strategy, though Pakistan may have to subsidize the hit list at some point to get catch folks that actually do harm people and not just foreign interests (depending on the government in power some may be re-released into the wild for the entire process to start all over again). 

Death Defying Sporting Adventures: Adrenaline rush Guaranteed!(life insurance is not available)

Main Slogan "Don't be a wuss...Risk it all! We Dare YOU & We'll help ;) "

Start a new advertising campaign on how Pakistan is the new home of extreme sports. Every adrenaline junkie on the planet is just looking for their next rush. Here the rush is 24/7 365 days a year! Think about it, Pakistan is a country with dangerous landscape. In K2, we have the second highest (and still growing) mountain in the world, crazy weird deserts, perhaps one of the world most polluted oceans and the kicker is that this is discounting the fundamentalist nut jobs! Take extreme to a whole new level! And that's without considering the fundamentalist crazies. 

Skiing with explosion induced landslides, climbing mountains with bullet holes and swimming in an ocean of spilt oil and teeming with mutated animals. Way Rad! The medical ramifications will also result in these tourists having to spend months (maybe even years!) in intensive care (with our hospitals it'll probably be years); their loved ones and relatives may even show up and augment our tourist dollars! I say we even throw in a few surf boards and free mountain climbing equipment.  

We'll even host the X games and make Tony Hawk President for the day (he can't read Urdu, but politicians are fairly illiterate, so whats the worst he could do?). 

Find the Perfect Submissive Wife campaign. (No Refunds)

Main Slogan "Perfect Bride + Perfect You = Perfect Happiness!"

Living abroad, there appears to be some myth about how girls from the home land are perfect; that they cook, clean, sew, well mannered, respectful, completely traditional, and are excellent baby popping devices to boot! Now when anyone (with any sense of reality) hears this, it is supremely funny (mostly idiotic). 

The fact that its a pipe dream is irrelevant (I live here, trust me). It's a terrific marketing opportunity. If Israel can fund their expats to come and check out the homeland, Pakistan's Ministry of Tourism should too! But with a wife/spousal focus, they can spin it like an investment as marriage is long term (even though divorce rates are creeping up...repeat business yo!). Everyone knows what a long process wife hunting in Pakistan is! The wife hunters will be here for months at a stretch and Islam allows 4 wives fellas ;) 

White people in particular will love it, as they'll get someone exotic and Pakistani families can brag about how fair their new in laws are and how often they get to travel! Win, Win Situation!

With Western divorce rates the way they are, at the very least Pakistan will benefit enormously from remittances (particularly with the no refund policy). And if the unions work out, all the better; the (not so) happy couples tell all of their friends to get a Paki Bride while privately drinking each other into oblivion once they realize that they have nothing in common and that neither are perfect or as modern as they thought. 

Online acquisitions and mail order bride catalogues are a potential downside to this, unless the government steps in with tough regulation (That they actually enforce). 
Pakistan: The Ideal Summer School Program

Main Slogan: "Nothing Tans like the Taliban!"

Give your kids a little culture, don't let them waste another summer at some fancy camp or take a trip to Europe (so boring and so last century). 

From time to time, one comes across parents who gleefully remember the days where kids respected their elders and how schools knew how to administer discipline. Unfortunately as fondly as they look at their scars, then tend to forget how they beaten unconscious and that there may still be residual brain damage.  

Now Muslim parents abroad often lament how their children are 'losing' their religion, though in their kids defense in order to lose it, you have to have it first. Now I can understand how parents want their kids to have the same cool set of values that they had (Does 'pull up your pants! if they get any lower they will fall off!' and 'Beta (son), please let me sew those ripped jeans of yours, they look sooo bad, the neighbors will think we are in poverty' sound familiar?) 

So I propose we combine the two, and have an awesome summer program where the focus in on  getting closer to god, whilst getting a freaking amazing tan! The Taliban teachers will tan the kids butts, whilst the sun tans the rest! Activities offered will vary, such as a course for girls on "How to dress modestly and sexy" at the same time and for boys, "How to groom your beard while not looking like a homeless person". 

Summers here are awesome, your also guaranteed an even brown tan (even in winters) plus you can't buy the cultural experiences that your kids will gain. They'll leave with a whole new out look on life (it may be a tad bit fundamentalist though).

Imagine it, scented love notes being passed from exchanging Qurans (there will be no discrimination on same sex romances....Islam is Tolerance Biatch!). Summer romance taken to a whole new level. Family deal discounts available! Free Lashing Guaranteed!

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Nice and interesting blog i really appreciate you and i recommend you to book flights to islamabad for making tour towards northern areas you can get domestic flights to Gilgit from Islamabad.