Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Cell Phones are Evil: They want to Control Us....

Why I Wrote This:

Cell Phones are evil. I have come to this conclusion whilst looking at my shiny piece of electronics, fully aware that in the palm of my hand, is a device that has more technology crammed into it than the Apollo Space Shuttle...and that thing made it to the Moon and back!

What is my phone to me? Calls, Emails, Pager, Test Messaging., Alarm Clock, Calender, Scheduler, MP3 Player, Camera, Radio USB Data Stick, Mini TV.

I wake up in the morning thanks to my Cell's Alarm, I immediately check my emails and text messages. Off to work, listen to the Cell's Radio on the way. At work, I check my Cell's scheduler and calender to verify my week. I juggle and update time slots on my scheduler for the week.

If I have any files to take, I use my Cell's Bluetooth to transfer files. I also watch a little TV via my phone if I get a little board, and lets not even measure the amount of time fillers I spend on playing games...And to add insult to injury, my Phone looks damn cool too. And this is excluding the main function which is answering calls.  

I don't want a high tech dollar collar constricting my movement. if I did, I'd get married or find a vacant Dominatrix. 

They look cool, but deep down, well as deep down as a cell phones circuit board is, they really hate us. They are just biding their time...

1. Glorified Tracking Devices: The government can use them to track us...the US government. that is..ask any number of Taliban heads (the ones that are still alive anyway). Carrier pigeons is the way to go. 

2. Always Connected: Staying connected to everyone sucks. No longer can one slip away and do can be tracked down by your family, girl friends...whatever happened to freedom? It's also a huge work life dud, you work almost all hours of the day, because you can't just turn your phone'll be cut off from civilization! 

3. Cell phone games: They are addictive and kill your time. Damn you Magic Sushi and Snake.  I-Phones are even worse because there are thousands of developers who make the most awesome games on them!!!

4. The O'Shit Factor: How often do you look at your cell phone and think...oh shit. I forgot to do this, or call that person back, or hey whatever happened to all of my high scores!!! Far too often in my opinion.

5. Call Me: You are always waiting for someone to call and you get disappointed...It's always the person you least wanted to talk to in the first place! Not fun.

6. Spam Texts Campaigns: Random bandwidth wasting text messages. Cell Messages are the new spam, why? Because you'll always open the message just to see who it's from. After all, you don't know who the message is from till you open it.  Damn Intelligent Marketers! Why can't they invent Spam Folders for my Cell Phones!

7. Wallet or Cell Phone? Cell Phone Every Time! I'm more protective of my damn phone than I am of my wallet! I can't get those contact numbers back, but I can always make more money, cancel the cards and get new licenses made.

8. Quick Fire Response Required: Whenever people message you, they expect an almost instantaneous response. Now, folks don't seem to understand the concept of 'I'm busy', or I forgot to message you back, they naturally assume it's option 3, 'well, I didn't think you were worth the money to message back'. What the Hell! I'll get back to you when I can/want to.

9. Intelligent Phone Making Us Dumber: If cell phones get any more high tech, they'll start walking, talking and thinking for us.
'Hmm, I can't decide what I want for dinner, hey, I'll let Andy (Android Phone) decide'
'He'll have the Phad Thai without the peanuts, his medical history indicates a peanuts aversion.'

10. Cost Savings: The cell phone company reps keep promising me that if I take on their product that my costs will go down....FREAKING LIARS. Not once has that actually happened, you'll find some creative ways to charge me for things that I don't even need.

Mark my words, cell phone technology was invented by Aliens as a part of their strategy to take over the world. Those mobile signals will frazzle all of our brains and turn us into complacent consuming Zombies....

I always thought the whole damn point of technology was to make our lives easier, more free time and more productive during work hours. Now, I feel like I've been lied to by this glorious piece of technology resting in my shorts pocket.

Mark my words, no good can come from this technology cult....Satanistic evil lurks.

Screw it, who am I kidding, I Still Love and Need my Cell Phone.


Anonymous said...

I read this but I wasn't really paying it any attention. I've just realised that I read all your stuff, and enjoy it (usually), and am stimulated by it. You are a clever, articulate, opinionated guy. You might even be a wonderful banker (oxymoron!) for all I know. I follow you assiduously, but I've just realised you don't reciprocate. Am I upset by this? Just a bit I guess. In a way I consider you to be my child. I found you and look, now 17 people follow you. I've verbally fenced with you, and always won, but you don't follow me. Ah! *sighs* Murtaza Jafri of Karachi! Where are you in my life?

Alpha Za said...

Dear Alec, thank you for the wide ranging complements, I'd blush, but since I just got back from the gym my face is already a dangerous shade of red.

It actually never occurred to me that you blogged yourself, but no worries, I'm on it now, and bless you for calling me on it. I do have the capacity to be thoughtless and it is a personal failing that I am working on.

As always, thanks for the support man.

Murtaza Jafri of Karachi