Monday, March 8, 2010

Personal Assistants: Thumbs UP!

Why I Wrote This:

Everywhere I look around, people are busier, more stressed and just plain pressed for time. The electronic revolution makes it a bit too easy to book every second of your day, whether it's meeting, running errands or just being social. Sleep and spending time on your relationships is taking a back door to your work life. There needs to a balance.  

My solution is having a Personal Assistant. Personal assistants are awesome. I am of the firm belief that everyone (who can afford one) ought to have one. They are just so bloody useful in every possible context and you are guaranteed to have a life that's much easier to manage and much more fun.  

1. What Lines? No more standing in lines...ever. Passport office, McDonald's, License Bureau etc, you will always have a spot saved by your PA. Maximize your valuable time. Don't waste your life away standing in lines, particularly as you can get someone else to do it for you. This will also save you from having to make inane infuriating conversation with people also standing in line. You are better than that, you have a PA Dammit!

2. No More Errand Hopping: Don't have to waste time running crappy errands anymore. Ever. Your PA can take care of bills, shopping, market, buy crap, etc. If your PA buys something incorrectly and your wife gets mad, you can just blame it on the PA and absolve yourself of any blame. Dammit, you are waaay too important to spend your day at the freaking florist. 

3. Human Calender & Appointment book: PA can remind you of important meetings and pull you away from annoying people that you might be talking to. He can also be trained to introduce you to hot women and act as your wing man. No more Fat Chicks (thumbs up!). Also, more importantly, no more missed anniversaries and having to spend nights on the pull out couch. Solid Win. 

4. Aggression Management Training: Never be mad at your partner again. Take out all aggression on your Personal Assistant. Either through physical beatings or mental torture. Either of which can be televised via the web; the footage might even make a crappy yet profitable reality show. Your partner will also appreciate how nice you are to her and all of her friends will be insanely jealous of her (which is basically what she is interested in).

5. Someone to Talk To (or At): Good sounding board, you can talk to him almost like a friend, but ignore his advice and he won't mind. It's his job to listen. In fact, he'll know how tough your life really is and tell everyone he'll come into contact with just as much. He'll be your personal Public Relations director. Besides, you'll save a tonne of money on therapy. 

6. Plausible Deniability: Tell lies to your spouse, to your employees, and just random people just so you don't have to....think about it as sin prevention insurance. After all, you can't possibility be out with your friends (or your corporate mistresses) if your P.A swears upon his Mommas life that your in an important 3 AM meeting with Japan!!! 

7. Catering to your Needs: PA can act as advance scout for you when arranging or confirming meetings, he can tell the organizers what you like in terms of food, seating, allergies, diet, drinks etc. I personally hate it when I attend a meeting and all they have to offer is crap food that I don't love. Regardless of how the meeting goes, I'm going to be peeved off. Take care of me, and I'll take care of you. Listen to my PA, it's good for business. 

8. Excellent Legal Protection: Anytime the government or any law suit is placed against you, contend that your PA abused his position and took decisions without your knowledge. You are then in the clear and can sip Virgin Margaritas with your latest PA in Cancun. If Berni Madoff has a PA, he wouldn't be know 'Easy Suzy' in Jail (or in fact be behind bars).  

9. Fun to Show off: Not only will everyone think how important you are, but your friends (who are cool enough to have PA's) can compete on who can make their PA's do the most messed up things. You can also have your PA's fight each other and place bets. Female PA's will obviously earn a higher salary for such activities. 

10. Presence Substitution: You can send your PA to meetings you don't want to attend. After all, your a very important person, so you can send a senior member of your staff to an event that you desperately wanted to attend...because there is a special 24 Marathon on that night that's vital for um... business. 

The Big Idea:

Get over your stressed out life, and make some space for the more important Me Time. And the best way to do that is by Exploiting your PA; It has a lot of tangible benefits. It's also legal via a rad legal agreement. Get a PA, reduce unemployment and live the life of a happy Baller


Anonymous said...

Everything perfect in this post, except for one detail - the PA seems to be female! Shame! Love Alec

Alpha Za said...

Haha, PA can be either female or male, generally male. In the case of making them have fights, I generously suggested that female PA's earn hazard pay.

Needless to say the more attractive the PA, the higher the salary. Powerful ppl like pretty people at their beck and call.

uplanitia said...

Nice article, for a large part true, greetings from a real personal asssistant,

World Personal Assistant Ltd.

Alpha Za said...

Thanks for the comment Marcel, I'm also rather amazed how you even found this blog...

Then again I'm typically astonished when anyone comes my personal blog let alone follows it.

Glad you enjoyed it!