The Bugs Bunny Army

I used to love playing army as a kid, I'm all into that strategical warfare dimwit stuff, in real life who'd give me command of several hundred Orcs or battalions of Riflemen. Hell, in Sid Meier's Civilization 2, I'd make treaties just to break them.

For all of you CIV2 Fan's: I Love Communist Governments; Guess I'm a North Korean Kim Jong Il dictator at heart :( 

But in real life, Armies are big, expensive and most of the time, they're pretty much just chilling waiting for someone (who they think they can actually crush into oblivion) to pick a fight.When they do have something to do, they are usually incompetent at it (Israeli army, one of the best trained armies in the world, gets regular beat down from kids throwing rocks...I mean, c'mon, it's not like those rocks are made out of plutonium).

The Pakistani Army needs reforms. Simply put, I want an army that will affectionately be known as Bug's Bunnies. Now, it has occurred to me the difficulty in getting Paper illustration to carry out army operations, particularly when my own drawing skills usually made my teachers assume that I was mentally challenged (Thank God for A's for Effort).

Self Replenishment: Medical insurance, pharmaceutical drugs, stretchers, trained doctors are expensive. That's the first thing that we can immediately lop off from the defense budget. This is why; Bunnies tend to procreate...alot. Hence the army will continuously replete itself one bunny organism at a time.....or once a month (Rabbits have a gestation period of 31 days!).

You can continuously churn out the little buggers, (Rabbits can start breeding as early as 3-4 months) and unlike cows and pandas, you don't need to mess with the genetics. (I considered a cow army, but having the entire Indian army commencing worship whilst the Taliban slaughtered them for dinner seemed counter productive...besides, I love a good steak waaay too much).

The great armies of lore were mating machines...in the raping pillaging sort of way; basically they were very virile. If you ever meet a blue eyed chap from the subcontinent, odds are that several dozen generations ago their grandmother had a semen spilling romp with a Greek Legionnaire. Rabbits, are also mating machines quick and repetitive.

For those who want to know: The male rabbit will sniff the female and hop around her. Once she lies on her stomach, the male rabbit will mount her. A few quick thrusts later, a premature ejaculation later, bugs will emit a squeal and fall to one side of her. The rabbits will then rest, only to repeat the process several more times with a gutso...till preggers is achieved.

In addition to fooling hunters the world over, Rabbits can purr similar to a cat, hence which makes them exceedingly useful for covert operations. 

They'll also eat their enemies, if that doesn't inspire fear, I dunno what will.

If you've ever tried to blast a rabbit, you'll have noticed that they move really tricky quick (maxing out at 35 mph), changing direction all the time; they're just damn hard to pin down to get a clean shot at. Ask Elmer Fudd or just watch a few episodes of Bugs Bunny....and that's despite Rabbits have a blind spot infront of their adorable noses. Pesky but adorable rabbit indeed.

Riot police have the unfortunate reputation for kicking the shit out of protesters. A force of Bunnies would make the rage riddled mob mellow down in a spate of 'aws' and 'oohs'.

If that doesn't work, they bunnies can coated in weed (the chillllllll out kind). The mob would completely forget what they were upset about and simply resort to feeding the fluff muffin warm blooded bunnies some nice peeled carrots.If that doesn't work, keep the genetically enhanced Mc Donalds Human Flesh Easting killer bunnies Parachute Division as backup.

Identity Issues; It's no secret that most young kids who get dragged into the military because they have identity issues (I think). There are over 50 established breeds of domestic rabbits....so easy to leverage that into some sort of identity crisis. The military it is. 

Soldiers get into trouble when they have egregious amounts of free time. Having a Bugs Bunny army, save funds spent on the gaming rooms, swimming pools and fancy gyms. A rabbit will sleep up to 16 times a day...often with 16 different partners. It's much like a dysfunctional Mormon family.

Low Maintainance: Most Militaries require remuneration of say a salary, Bunnies, don't. Infact the only cost would be in food; We're an agricultural economy, we can grow lots of carrots and lettuce (I plan on opening a few farms and selling directly to the military). Thous shalt not skimp on the lettuce, besides, humans don't eat lettuce...unless their weight conscious and have no sense of deliciousness.  Trust me, there is nothing to be gained on skimping on food...oh and don't keep a chainsaw handy.

And not only do they groom themselves, they'll even eat their night crap.In case the 'handlers' are overwhelmed by the amount of poop, it's good to know that Rabbit droppings make excellent  fertilizer (Did I mention anything about a farm?) 

Ideal Suicide Bombers: I know no one likes the idea of suicide bombers, particularly when they're used against civilian targets, but from the Arab Assassin cult, the bomb strapping 1964 Pak-India war to the Tamil Tigers, it's a military tactic.

 
Most human suicide bombers require copious amounts of brain washing. Since we eat Rabbit's, it's not like we're condemning ourselves to hell....well, maybe PETA hell. They're totally disposable; I know they're cute, but c'mon they don't think beyond their next meal or next available copulation period. Strap on a cute terrain neutral suicide bomber jacket and you have your ideal operative.

Quick, nifty, disposable and completely dumb.You also save on the brain washing costs. Not to mention you can make your enemy feel like wusses for being afraid of cute, albeit deadly bunnies.

Alternatively, if you can make a Rabbit swallow the explosives, you are in luck; Rabbits can't vomit. Something to do with a God given gag reflex (I just made that up, no idea why). Hell, if that doesn't work, you don't mess with Bug's Bunnies. They'll use your bones to pick your perpetually growing teeth.

If this well thought out recruitment strategy doesn't work out and you're wondering what you're going to do with your horde of Rabbits, it's useful to note that rabbit meat is a pure all white meat lower in fat, cholesterol and calories than chicken, pork and beef.

If it doesn't taste right, that's what ketchup and hot sauce are for. Bunny Kebabs! Tastier than the Bun Kebabs.

 Armies are expensive, and the costs keep spiralling up each technology discovery (plus kickback) at a time. In Pakistan, with the added risk of military coups, the question becomes when does it stop being worth having one of the largest armies in the world? Does it really do more good than harm? Are we really safer? I dunno, I just like the idea of an army of Bug's Bunnies.