A Finishing School For Men

.......But why finish when you don't have to Start?

What is the purpose of a 'finishing school'? A place (for people with ogles of money) to polish ones etiquette, learn how to cook and perhaps pick up some pretentious mannerism hide insecurities and annoy the population at large. Traditionally, Women have been recipients of the Finishing School treatment. Now, one could hardly contend that the women of Pakistan need these finishing schools to 'hone' their skills (for all those who doubt this assertion, ask your nearest 18 year old girl to make a half decent chapatti and let me know how the food poisoning treats you).

Man-ners

Men on the other hand are cast adrift onto the world with the motto, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But I think now the time has come that equality reigns supreme, if women can bat their eyes into a finishing school that makes them more womanly, men deserve the same modicum of respect and accessibility to refine and strut their manliness.

Haha, you're right, Egyptian Cotton is FABULOUS!

Now, the curriculum for a Men's Finishing School would be catered to a fairly faulty concept of what a stereotypical Pakistani man should be, coupled with some skills that would endear them to their partners and make them suitable for marital bliss.

Spitting spreads diseases, so get ready for some good old fashioned chemical warfare.

 Every Pakistani male should be well versed in the traditional art of spitting paan, and not just the act or the distance, but the size, velocity and general texture of the paan spit. It's imperative that this institution school the male youth to be the best paan spitters the world has ever seen. To this end, an inter-city paan spitting championship will be held.

Whatta Pose?

No Pakistan is really complete, without having substantive skills in the seduction of women, being taught how to pronounce fraaAAanship, Solid and Tight are just a few of the words that the finishing school courses will focus on to ensure that a Pakistani male can get ridiculed by attractive (and not so attractive women on a continuous basis. There will also be in depth training into the mysteries of Facebook stalking and how to fraanship girls with message of love, honor and Lassi.

It has been often noted that a man is fairly partial to his mothers cooking and tends to not appreciate his wifes cooking with the same fervor. A Men's finishing school would ensure that the Men's diet would consist of nothing but the worst possible food, this will result in men, relishing any partially cooked food put in front of them. This will additionally serve as a diet, to return the traditional Pakistani male to the lean mean conquering machine sort.

Disgusting looking but delicious

In an age of video games, computer games and board games, Pakistan's sporting heritage is slowly being lost, however a Men's Finishing School would seek to address the situation by putting its participants through a strenuous physical regimen of Cricket, Kabaddi, Basket Ball and Hockey. Increasing a man's proficiency with wooden sticks is as important as knowing how to utilize ones body strength. The purpose of the basket ball training is to assist men in their efforts to toss their dirty clothes into their laundry bucket without missing.

Consistently Disgusting.

Women tend to have a terrific propensity to multi-task, men tend to fall short in that respect, but with proper training at a Man's Finishing School, one can be confident that a man can be trained to pay attention to his partner for a prolonged period of time......whilst watching a hearty game of cricket....or playing brick breaker.

Not the right kind of therapy.

Therapy will be provided to all the scholars of the Finishing school to ensure that any emotional feeling are quickly suppressed, killed, disposed off and preferably drowned.....in Zamzam water. A Pakistani man is expected to have the emotional sensitivity of a brick wall. In order to extinguish any feelings of emotion, the men will be required to stoically watch cricket matches of Pakistan losing to India.....on repeat.

Haha, jokes on you, Desi Men are as perfect as we're gonna be!

How it has come to a point, shamefully I might add, that decent Pakistani men are also in need of a finishing school to hone their manliness skills is a question well worth asking. I blame the media.

A version of this article appeared in the Dawn Newspaper.Allegedly. I think. Possibly.

Fakeroids: The Annoying Zombie Plague

Intense, Crazy Wired, Hip, Retarded

Dear "Mr. My Fake Shades Make me Better than You",

You may not remember me, but fate briefly introduced us when you decided that your intake of red bull justified annoying me. I wish I could remember your name, but it's rather a blur. It's not that I didn't enjoy your fake American-British encrusted accent or your expertise in decadent frivolities (no, I didn't know that 'Rambo' center was where all the cool people hung out and my life was better for it).  I'll even go as far as to concede that I found your caffeine frothing threats to 'BBM' me from your Chinese Blueberry cell completely amusing. Fact: The Chinese made Blackberry don't have Blacberry Messenger.

Drinking Coffee Makes Me Cool

Now, I don't mind the average person pounding 12 Red bull cans a day, but must you insist on running up to strangers and telling us how 'Crazy Wired' you are? There is a gaping chasm to what is cool, and what is woefully pathetic. You're not on the right side of the chasm. The silly stunts don't help either. As for me, I can drink a red bull and go straight to bed.

It's wonderful to meet such wannabe cultured souls whose love for all things "Areamani" (yes you read right) define their existence, and to be with fair, half the population is illiterate. And no one can be more persistently stylish than our fashionista Fakeroids. however, it is with great regret that I must point out that most of us can tell the difference between Areamani and Armani. It's something to do with being functionally literate I imagine.

The floods have devastated people's lives ... please don't try to equate it to the misery you feel when your servant left to rebuild his waterlogged ancestral village, nor is it a particularly tasteful excuse to attend 'charity' events, primarily to complain how the rich folk aren't doing their part to help the flood victims, all whilst gulping down 375 rupee coffee (You'd magnanimously donate the 25 rupee change, of course). That's the cost of a weeks rations for a small family. If you like, I have the receipts to prove it, they may seem unfamiliar since they aren't from the high end stores (Aghas/Epcos) you're used to frequenting.

I love me some intellectual debate

The Fakeroids have deemed unemployment to be devastatingly in vogue, I mean how else would Mummy and Daddy feet utterly grateful for the delight that they are privileged enough to replenish the holy wardrobe...  Particularly when an Armani pants costs the equivalent of the country's GDP per Capita.

Indoors, Shades, Girl passed out on me. Quick. TAKE A PICTURE....Who is the $#%$# Random Guy?

With great apology, I must point out that because your esteemed plain black sequined pants (which you got from Zainab market) because they look just like the pair that Paris Hilton once wore, doesn't mean make you a fashion icon or a size zero.....and no, a corset won't help. Cutting down on the ice cream might. I'd also appreciate the opportunity to gently point out that Paris Hilton rose to fame because of things other than her sense of fashion.

Cute Pup Laden With Jewelry that's going to get it Killed

Does your dog really have to wear ruby encrusted shoes that cost as much as the annual GDP of Balochistan?I love dogs as much as the next person, which is why I encourage everyone to vote. And no, liking a politician's facebook profile because it rhymes with 'VersaCHEE' doesn't count.

Now, as much as you love to prance into Coffee houses demanding the most complex pretentious drink known to man (asking for yak milk in your cappuccino much?), the rest of the 'we're drinking our damn coffee' republic doesn't care how well traveled you are or how Pares (Um...Paris) is just like Iceland (that habit of smirking and insisting Pares that's where all Parsi's come from and that Ice was invented in Iceland gets on my nerves too). At this point, the audience at large is unlikely to be impressed by your opinions on the state of Karachi either, particular if you've never been past Hotel Metropole because it is kacha abbadi and there are no good cafe's past there.

I don't care how well you know ANY of these people. 

The Fakeroids seem to live some charmed existence, the only indication they have that there is some modicum of unrest in the city is when Espresso shuts down for the day; which translates into a calamity ofcourse. But it is certainly a lovely chance to play 'oooh the roads are empty (minus the mob) look how fast I can drive my car.'

Please don't pretend that all of your clothes are khaadi; knock offs lack a certain something....usually referred to as tags. the flimsy quality is a dead giveaway too. But don't fret, you can buy another before the color starts to run.

Just because we can tell, doesn't mean you have to take drastic measures

I would never say that my wearing original Ray Beans shades makes me better than you, I'm far too cultured and polite for that. However, if a Fakeroid insists on trying to pass off their collection of 100 rupee shades whilst expertly proclaiming that my shades are obviously fake, I must insist that they carry a receipt, warranty and a letter from the manufacturer with them at all times. Think of it as a 'put up or shut up' badge of honor.

My Mistake, you don't actually have to say 'Do you Want Fries with that' to Work at McDonalds

So, Fakeroids, be who you are, be proud of it. You think that you're a Snob, but what you really are is a bun kebab who really wants to be a wannabe burger....hell, even they don't want to claim you. Rest easy, and learn how to say 'would you like fries with that'.

And don't bug me again, my time is valuable, I actually have to work to make a living and pay taxes to ensure that others don't.

Person who'll gladly use your fake Lacoste Polo to clean his Kenneth Cole Boots

PS: You know who you are.

Platonic Friendships: I Call Bull Shit!!!

Platonic friendships are defined as affectionate, non-sexual relationships. I don't think men don't typically have them with women. I doubt anything resembling platonic friendships actually exists. The only platonic inter-sex friendships that exist are between guys and their buddy's girl friend; It’s because we go into Bhaabi mode. Other than that, a girl may as well believe that she's walking around with a bull’s eye on her backside. Even if she's ugly, after all, there is somebody for everybody. 

A girl knows that a guy is interested in them, but she isn't interested in him, so she makes him, her platonic friend. The only way she can make this utterly and completely clear is requesting him as her 'brother' on Facebook. Short of that she's leaving open the possibility that even though you aren’t Mr. Right, you may be Mr. ‘Eh Alright’, which is wise since majority of women fear becoming an old maid.  

Guys pretend to be platonic friends because they want to be more something later, or they buy that crap women spew that I like to get to know the person better before they date....complete lies, a woman will either date you or she won't, she'll use you till you become wiser...take it as a lesson learnt and applaud yourself for trying.

If you are a guy and want to remain a glorified back up to a girl who thinks she can get something better, but if she can't fingers crossed that she see's you Mr. ‘I’m just the Friend’ as a viable backup option, then by all means go ahead.

Men do exactly the same thing, particularly with girls who we'd feel ashamed showing off to our friends (however, in the right circumstances we may be willing to invest in plastic surgery...seriously).

Is it actually subconsciously manipulative to have such relationships?...yes, but it works both ways and benefits both parties. It fulfills some of the relationship functions of having someone to talk to about your day with a member of the opposite sex, solid practice on light flirting and tremendous ego boosts.

I always wondered why parents get upset when their kids are up late hours at night talking to the opposite sex. Well, it's because they are worried about WHY they are talking. And naturally, they've already figured out that there is no such thing as 'just friends', How many married men do you know that have a chick as their best friend.....does the number ZERO match your tally?

That is also why when men get married they are forced to give up their platonic female friendships, call it a by product of being married to the opposite sex. It’s not that women are generally insecure about their partners fidelity, but they are aware how conniving other women are and how dumb men can be (once our ego is stroked, we go back for more).

Men use platonic friendships with women to gain insight into the opposite sex, we don't understand women, so we create 'fraanships' to get some intel...that's just smart use of available resources.

Men make friends with girls because they want to be in a position where they are able to squeeze into a position where women lean on them, and once they are reliant, they pull the plug. Nice strategy if there ever was one, as once that girl realizes that she can't take platonic boy toy for granted unless they date them...genius really, particularly how needy women are and once they become reliant on having a guy to 'deal' with them...well, then that’s the ball game.

Women use men through these platonic friendship to do things that they would usually ensnare their boyfriends into doing, whether it is running errands, taking them shopping, etc all whilst screaming to the world, 'We're just friends, what is wrong with you' etc etc well, I hate to break it to you, but lean back and think for a second why a man is putting himself through hell (we don't enjoy hanging out at kapra centers or playing chauffeur) to please you....it's not because he wants to be 'your friend'. Odds are that he has plenty of friends who like doing things that other men would likely be classified as 'fun'. 

The friendship that he’s looking for has an exercisable option clause where they can become friends with additional benefits that may cultivate into a relationship of the sort that a girls parents wouldn't be a huge fan off. Most men don't do things like that just to be 'nice', they do it because they have an end game in mind. And if that end game doesn't involve that girl or her friends, it consists of developing female expertise. 

Practice makes perfect, the more female friends you have, the more likely you are to successfully manage and deal with women. Platonic friendships....bleh. More like friends with benefits (halal or otherwise). 


A version of this Article appeared in Dawn Images