A Finishing School For Men

.......But why finish when you don't have to Start?

What is the purpose of a 'finishing school'? A place (for people with ogles of money) to polish ones etiquette, learn how to cook and perhaps pick up some pretentious mannerism hide insecurities and annoy the population at large. Traditionally, Women have been recipients of the Finishing School treatment. Now, one could hardly contend that the women of Pakistan need these finishing schools to 'hone' their skills (for all those who doubt this assertion, ask your nearest 18 year old girl to make a half decent chapatti and let me know how the food poisoning treats you).

Man-ners

Men on the other hand are cast adrift onto the world with the motto, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But I think now the time has come that equality reigns supreme, if women can bat their eyes into a finishing school that makes them more womanly, men deserve the same modicum of respect and accessibility to refine and strut their manliness.

Haha, you're right, Egyptian Cotton is FABULOUS!

Now, the curriculum for a Men's Finishing School would be catered to a fairly faulty concept of what a stereotypical Pakistani man should be, coupled with some skills that would endear them to their partners and make them suitable for marital bliss.

Spitting spreads diseases, so get ready for some good old fashioned chemical warfare.

 Every Pakistani male should be well versed in the traditional art of spitting paan, and not just the act or the distance, but the size, velocity and general texture of the paan spit. It's imperative that this institution school the male youth to be the best paan spitters the world has ever seen. To this end, an inter-city paan spitting championship will be held.

Whatta Pose?

No Pakistan is really complete, without having substantive skills in the seduction of women, being taught how to pronounce fraaAAanship, Solid and Tight are just a few of the words that the finishing school courses will focus on to ensure that a Pakistani male can get ridiculed by attractive (and not so attractive women on a continuous basis. There will also be in depth training into the mysteries of Facebook stalking and how to fraanship girls with message of love, honor and Lassi.

It has been often noted that a man is fairly partial to his mothers cooking and tends to not appreciate his wifes cooking with the same fervor. A Men's finishing school would ensure that the Men's diet would consist of nothing but the worst possible food, this will result in men, relishing any partially cooked food put in front of them. This will additionally serve as a diet, to return the traditional Pakistani male to the lean mean conquering machine sort.

Disgusting looking but delicious

In an age of video games, computer games and board games, Pakistan's sporting heritage is slowly being lost, however a Men's Finishing School would seek to address the situation by putting its participants through a strenuous physical regimen of Cricket, Kabaddi, Basket Ball and Hockey. Increasing a man's proficiency with wooden sticks is as important as knowing how to utilize ones body strength. The purpose of the basket ball training is to assist men in their efforts to toss their dirty clothes into their laundry bucket without missing.

Consistently Disgusting.

Women tend to have a terrific propensity to multi-task, men tend to fall short in that respect, but with proper training at a Man's Finishing School, one can be confident that a man can be trained to pay attention to his partner for a prolonged period of time......whilst watching a hearty game of cricket....or playing brick breaker.

Not the right kind of therapy.

Therapy will be provided to all the scholars of the Finishing school to ensure that any emotional feeling are quickly suppressed, killed, disposed off and preferably drowned.....in Zamzam water. A Pakistani man is expected to have the emotional sensitivity of a brick wall. In order to extinguish any feelings of emotion, the men will be required to stoically watch cricket matches of Pakistan losing to India.....on repeat.

Haha, jokes on you, Desi Men are as perfect as we're gonna be!

How it has come to a point, shamefully I might add, that decent Pakistani men are also in need of a finishing school to hone their manliness skills is a question well worth asking. I blame the media.

A version of this article appeared in the Dawn Newspaper.Allegedly. I think. Possibly.

Superman: The Desi Edition

I have will always love Superman; fighting for peace, justice and the American Pakistani way. I think he embodies alot of what we wish for in todays corruption ridden world. An individual who is unflappably decent (severe lack of gray moral areas), courageous (well not really, next to nothing can hurt him) and freaking unstoppably awesome.

I tried to imagine what a realistic Desi Superman would be like... What qualities would he embody? What would he look like? What would he spend his time doing (let's face it, in todays world he's more likely to be Lex Luthor than Mother Theresa).  

For starters, physically he would be fat. I'm sorry, but if you have the ability to fly/float, your not going to spend a lot of time running, working out or even walking for that matter. Cardio burns fat! Natural floating buoyancy doesn't.

He would not want to be called Super Man...he would want to be called Super Saahib. The man is a Pakistani dammit!

Since, Super Saahib would have a pot belly rivaling the entire consolidated Sharif clan, there is no way he would prance around in physique hugging tights, hell no; the man would dress for comfort and rock out in a shalwar kameez, good golly they are darn comfortable....plus he'd look sick with a cape.

Do you honestly think the most powerful being (next to God ofcourse...unless you think he is God) would roam around in tights and wearing tighty whity underwear on the outside? Let's get real. He doesn't need to prove anything or impress anyone! He's freaking superman. Besides, his Desi Mum would cry a river if he dressed like he was the spokesperson for the Gay Pride Parade.

Now, I doubt that Mr. Super 'My clothes are indestructible' Saahib would be rocking anything other than a plain white Shalwar Kameez, but in this day and age he'd have at least a few sponsors...Mc'Donalds, Coke & Chernobyl Resorts (A special resort only Super Saahib can go to...to be completely by himself, minus a few cockroaches, and contemplate how amazingly gifted he is).

His favorite past times would include chilling on his farm on a lazy boy chair (multiple cup-holders), drinking sweet lassi and watching his crops grow while the latest damsel in distress he just saved feeds him peeled grapes and other fruits. Luckily his job doesn't require a lot of strenuous labor...  (oh and he'd write a screen play for his autobiographical movie)

Super Saahib wouldn't disguise himself and be a lame non-descriptive news reporter; he'd be Super Saahib all the time and occasionally work as a 'consultant'; charging fees that would even make Pakistani Politicians look reasonable. What up to super powers. Super Saahib can build a mega dam in ten minutes.  

Because of his ability to perform miracles with his super human strength and special powers, more than a few may even consider him a deity. He'd be worshiped the world over. Vapid Hindu's would turn him into a variation of an Idol, Fundamentalist Muslims would call him the next savior, Buddhist would simplly make buddha statues just like him....minus the pot belly.

I imagine that he would be muslim so he could have 4 wives...then again, he wouldn't bother having to justify having as many 'wives' as he wants, a wife/girlfriend in every zip code....so what if it breaks a few hearts and laws, what are they going to do? He's freaking Super Saahib!

He would have a hot iranian professor chick girl friend (the degree would be online, via University of Phoenix) but he would love her for her....Lois Lane is too much of a feminist for him.

In order to placate his mistresses, I mean wives, he'd be guilted into certain causes...like world peace (it's the only one all Miss Worlds can agree upon). The things the man could do in order to get laid would be endless.

Mad rich. seriously insanely rich. As in 'buy Europe, piss on it as it burns to the ground and still have enough money to do it all over again' rich. 

He'd also be a very practical fellow, and buy all of the world's Kryptonite and launch the poison straight into the sun. Burn it out of existence faster than a version of the Pakistani constitution.  

He'd even rid the world of all of it's nuclear material. for no other reason that the banging sound that they may eventually make hurt his uber sensitive ears.  

Super Saahib would live in super neutral Switzerland, because he'll love chocolate and the cute clocks that they make (awesome), the proximity to banks would make protecting his wealth very sensible, the additional protection money he'll recived from Swiss bank would also augment his income....plus he'd have a place for his art collection.

He'd get super manicures and have his hair done at Tony & Guy, he loves the way the make him look so pretty. They'll even massage his vedera mustache. 

He'd be really charitable, he'd donate (by donate I really mean sell) all of his toe nail clipping for cancer research. Super Saahib's tears are fabled to bring the dead to life, however, he only cries when Pakistan loses a cricket match or a particularly emotive Indian drama is on.

We are a country that yearns for Super Men. Because they contain the best in us, and none of our egregious faults. They may have some flaws, but their ability to overcome them is what makes them super heroes in our hearts, minds and our history. We are on a perpetual quest for our own Super Saahib, albeit one who is more Superman than Super Saahib.

A version of this piece appeared on Blog.dawn.com