10 Ways to Lose a Pakistani Girl

How does one get rid of a Pakistani girl? You've had your fun, the relationship has run its course, and you want to break up without being the one to do the actual breaking up. Contrary to popular beliefs it's not just picking inane fights, here are some methods that I've noticed to be particularly effective.

I call it the Muhammad Asif

1. Poor Prioritizing: Prioritize ANYTHING over her. Medical Emergencies, Family, Work and Saving Accounts are not excluded.....unless of course they are hers. Pakistani women, have some sort of skewed perception that their partners world revolves around them. Considering our nation's abysmal productivity levels, that may as well be true. Make her your temporary number 2 and she'll permanently remove you from her life with the delicacy of a kabaddi match. 

2. Feelings: Not being 'sensitive' enough to her feeling. It astounds us, how anyone can have strong feelings about Sania Mirza wearing similar clothes to yours....it's a freaking Nike shirt! What is there to feel? However, if you are interested in retaining that lady's companionship services, it is both feasible and advantageous to pretend. Otherwise, just use the words 'feelings' and 'stupid' together in as many sentences as possible. 

3.  Hobby Defamation: Contend that shopping isn't a worth while pursuit and is an utter waste of any sane persons time and money. The only thing Pakistani women are more passionate about than judging other people are their own wardrobes....which they use as a yardstick to judge other women. There is also great utility in discussing the size of her wardrobe with all of the barebacked kids in Africa and why she doesn't feel guilty. 

4. Charm School: Be rude to her friends. All the time. Girls will only date men, once their friends deem them desirable. Start referring to her friends as the Team Piglet or the Tranny Nannies, You'll be replaced rather quickly once you are not show off worthy. Also show up to group outings in a poncho.... complete with a shalwar and Bata slippers and erase the word 'sorry' from your vocabulary when you speak to her....not even if her pet passes away.    

5. Peer Comparison: Compare your girlfriend to other women in your life. About how awesome a cook your mom is, about how wonderful your old ex-girlfriends are etc. and about how all the pretty girls at the office are so efficient, yet never have a hair out of place. Notice other women; If you really want to irritate her, tell all of her friends how chikni they look and how she looks 'sahee'....and look dead serious.

6. Call her all the time and ask stupid questions. The dumber the better. Like that your boss used a red pen instead of the blue pen when he wrote you a note and what means....on a deep level. She'll get annoyed read fast. Note: This doesn't work if she likes answering dumb questions too. If you really want to annoy her, as he about her favorite insect, rock, hair band etc or just about any arcane topic she, in all likely hood, knows nothing about....like cricket. 

7. Time Allocation: Not being up for a 'chitty chat' at 3 in the morning, after all what loser is in bed by then. Apparently, only the worthy are cognitively functional at a drops notice, even when sleep deprived. No man knows why you have the urge to talk to us at 3 Am. When a Pakistani girl want's to talk to you, you'd better get up and talk....and pretend to care what she's talking about. If you don't then go into a tirade about you favorite sports team, eventually she'll break up or hang up on you without your noticing. 

Generation Z Way

8. Question her Goals: Ask her what she wants to do with her life, and subsequently question whether she ought to be slightly more ambitious that wanting to get married and encouraging/pressuring her guy to get a big car, a big house for the sake of his own happiness. Apparently it's taboo to ask why a girl gives up her career after she gets married....even when the couple live with the guys family....and have a legion of servants.... Bad form it is. 

9. Emit Body odors in her presence on a regular basis. Women have a unique sensitivity to their own natural odors. Men, for the most part usually can burp, fart and shoot snot balls on command. Eat lots of oily food laced liberally with garlic and drink tonnes of fizzy drinks and you should be able have the wonderful lady in question break up with you.

10. Cheat on her: Proven to be the most effective. The closer the friend you cheat with, the higher the probability that she will break up with you. However, if she doesn't, take some respite in the fact that'll she'll do anything to keep you. You are a prize.

If all else fails. Deny Her Existence and of Any Relationship that might make your Mummy Mad.

For Women: How To Get A Guy

Why I Wrote This:

I feel as though I do go on a lot about the distinction between men and women, and that I ought to do something 'constructive', perhaps have some lessons on how a girl can get a guy, and perhaps some insight how to keep him, manage him well enough that he'll keep being a man, rather than just half of a couple.

Oh, and someone asked me to. Plain, flat and fucking simple.

1. Learn to Cook Food That WE like: Men Like Food. It's be socialized deep into our core. It's very simple why, when we are having a bad day, our mothers gave us awesome food. When we celebrate an achievement or a milestone, we don't go out shopping. We go out to dinner. We also have specific tastes, Some guys hate Alfredo sauce (it looks like sperm), so no matter how amazing your Alfredo Pasta is, don't make us eat it.

We will just to please you, after all it's the decent thing to do, but we will hate it and will envision a life full of Alfredo pasta. Men like Pizza, Lasagne, Nihari, Biryani, etc. We don't expect Top Chef, but comforting tasty dishes go a long way. Women exercise so they can lose weight, men exercise so we can continue eating like teenagers. If we lose weight in the process, High Five.

2. Enumerate our Awesomeness: Tell your target that he's awesome, we like being told how awesome we are. Be as descriptive as possible, if you find the odd metro-sexual man who actually gets his eye brows done, work that in somewhere. Comparing us to famous good looking bad ass actors works well; Robert Downing Jr = Thumbs Up. Effeminate weird chaps like Zac Effron and Hugh Grant = Thumbs the HELL down.

If you tell us that we are awesome and good looking, we are unlikely to disagree with you (it's ungentlemanly) and will definitely believe that you possess sterling taste. Just because we pretend we don't believe you or don't want to hear it, doesn't mean that we don't like hearing about it as much as a superficial teenage girl. It's hard to go overboard, but one should remember that if you are looking to date a guy, he wants a partner, not a groupie.

3. Share our Interests but Within Reason: Men like girls who like doing things outside of restaurants and shopping malls. If a guy likes going bowling or sailing, develop an interest. In that vein we think it's cool for you to know something about our chosen passionate sport, but it's quite another to provide factual reasoning why our chosen team is overrated/sucks/Pathetic.

 And for the love of all that is pure, beautiful and bound to reproduce at some point, DONOT SUPPORT ANOTHER TEAM. Ignorance we can take, but odds are we've been following our teams a lot longer than you've been following us.

NOTE: Most men are Supporters; They'll stick with their team through thick and thin as opposed to Fan; The fair weather bandwagon Supporters. Here is the difference; A Football fan can list most of the starting eleven, a supporter can list the entire first team squad, reserve team and injury status of all the returning players. If a man is a supporter, don't mess he will not forgive you. If he's a fan, he will eventually forgive you for any affront.

4. Respect our Space: Do not intrude on our personal space unless we invite you. Think in terms of Man Zones. Our desk (work or otherwise) is a complete man zone, we don't want cute pictures of crap or adorable decorations...it's our space.  There is a reason why golf courses were men only for a long time....then Tiger Woods came along and messed everything up. Tiger and his tea break hussies.hmmph

5. Boy's Night: It is Holy; Do not plan dates on our boys nights....Never Ever....EVER. God Asked Us To Pray 5 Times A Day, so the boys could hangout at the mosque and catch up that often. Women are not allowed in the mosque or on Boys night. Please don't butt in, because even if we don't want you to come, we'll let you. But we will resent you for it. We need to replenishment our testosterone and doing disgusting manly things like compare fart noises.

6. Win the Wolf Packs Approval: Now very simply put, very few guys date girls that their friends collectively hate or think is ugly. Until wearing masks become acceptable, your best shot of getting a guys crew to like you (and protect him from incessant 'I can't believe you'd even consider going out with her') is to make them like you. It's very easy. Feed Them and tell them all how they are awesome.

Pretend to care what we are talking about. It works both ways, guys will pretend to care about how your nails aren't perfectly manicured, but we really appreciate it if you could return the favor. Unlike women, men are also more gullible so we will actually believe you.

7. You are a Girl, Dress like it, and Dress Well: Men do not like dating tomboy sloppy girls. Our perception of women is lady like wannabe models, while women expect guys to dress like slobs (even though we don't).

Remember, Men don't always go out with the hottest girl available, push comes prefer girls who take pride in the way they look, no matter what their chosen style is, whether it's tank tops, Shalwar Kameezes, Hijab's or even Socialite Runway Model stuff. The better you dress the more likely a guy is going to notice you and be attracted to you. Dudes don't want to bring home the sloppiest dressed girl available unless they are trying to pick a fight with their parents or if she's pregnant....Parent's just pray it's the former.

8. We Believe In Timing: Women like jumping from step to step, like clock work. A guy is not going to be comfortable discussing the name of his first child a week (or first few months) into a relationship. It freaks us out and makes us think that you only want to be with us so you can get married before you become too old and wrinkly (btw, we don't notice those first creases on your face that you fret about, we still see the pretty damn hot girl).

It's not our fault that families expect their daughter to wed by their middish twenties. We are men, we have no biological tick tock. When we are ready for the next step (assuming there ought to be one), we'll do it when the time is right, don't pressure us unless you want us to run the other way towards something of a younger vintage. When we want to go out with you, we'll ask you.

9. Deciphering the Man: The most efficient way to get to know a particular guy, is to see how he interacts with his mother or what he says about her as he regales you about his personal life. Men are taught to interact with the opposite sex through their family, if his mom is domineering sort with him, you have a good shot at controlling him too. It's his comfort zone after all. Mimic the Mom and You have your strategy. I'd also like to add that if the guy is a douchebag with his mother, then you should really move on, because that's precisely how he will treat you, despite any initial lovey doveyness. Think of it as an aborted attempt at change after we've already gotten the girl.

10. Smile at Us: Men are suckers for a nice smile, the genuine naturally sweet smile that all girls have within them. As opposed to the superficial camera perfect smile that's constructed primarily for societies cultural manner obsession. Seduce us, we'll sort the rest out later once our wallets are empty.

PS: There are exceptions to all of these rules, but they by and large they work.

The Big Idea: 

Men pursue women, women pursue men, both should have the tools of how to attract each other and in fact result in a meaningful relationship. Women by in large don't understand men, they don't realize that men try to appear just plain better than we actually are, and that women do the same. If you like a guy, I recommend figuring out why and what you are willing to do to ensnare him. As far as men are concerned, if we truly like a girl, we'll move mountains stone by stone...which is why we like explosives and things that go boom!

If you have many failed relationships, don't worry, practice makes perfect.....I think.

A version of this article appeared in Dawn's Sunday Review.

Politics, Parenting or Pandering?

Society's pandering and preaching complicates any healthy degree of interaction between the sexes. Then again, I'm sure that's what parents (of women in particular) are heavily in favor off. But there are already enough impediments without the government wanting a piece of the action.

The Family Impediments: Let’s meet Mom & Dad; Chance of success of meeting their Daughters with their approval; Nil. Chance of Girl Meeting their Son; 50%

The Dad Issue: It's tough for a guy to get to know a girl in a healthy manner, and Fathers in particular, prefer it that way. As far Dads are concerned, the only boys their daughters ought to speak with are ones that doesn't exist. The 'Beti, Get yourself an imaginary friend' syndrome if you will. But, if a father see's his virile son 'hanging out' with girls, it's a sign of how masculine his son is and that its time to hand out Cigars and buy the boy his first Kalashnikov.

Mom Protection Agency: Moms are terrific, but let no one be fooled, these women are hell bent on protecting their daughters’ perceived ‘piety’, even if it means hiring their girls a personalized Black Water security detail. Instructions are simple, 'If you see a larka talk to her, shoot him'. On the flip side, if a mother sees her sons associating with the opposite sex, they immediately assume that the girl is trying to ‘trap’ him. What a world we live in.

There is some perception, that guys will pursue anything in a skirt, well that may be true, but girls in Pakistan don't wear skirts…in public, so parents don't need to worry.

Now, the government, in all of its boredom has decided to prioritize the moral protection of the youth. Apparently boys and girls talking via text and phone calls at night has become a national concern. So the Punjabi Assembly passed a resolution demanding that mobile companies stop promoting ‘cheap rate, late night packages that alter societal tendencies’ and simply ban them. Luckily for us, they haven’t yet discovered of ‘Instant Messenger’ or the ‘Internet’.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but cheap mobile packages don't corrupt the youth, society corrupts the youth. The last generation grew up without cell phones, internet, cable television and Gossip Girl, and they've hardly turned out as bastions of virtue.

The Youth’s desire for a healthy communicative relationship doesn't evaporate because it gets a few bucks more expensive. They invest in relationships like the army invests in defense; often and expensively.

I can fume, I can cry or I can ridicule.

I’ve decided to go with ridicule.

So let’s help our virtuous virtuouso government out. What other inane acts of grand standing can they do to prevent the altering of societal tendencies in today’s youth?

They can start with the establishment of the Aunties United in Napalming & Tormenting the Youth Ministry; The AUNTY Ministry, will be responsible for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice amongst the youth; They are committed to preventing vice by minimizing any interaction between boys and girls, they will promote virtue by…well, thats in next year's budget.

Their first act will be to recruit Aunty Disco Project to play at their launch ceremony and roll out their agenda.

1. Shopping Malls Law: Women will only be allowed to visit shopping areas for certain hours of the day. The Aunty Ministry can liberally whip (yes they will be issued made in china whips) the predominantly male shop owners at will...how they dare look at their customers during a good price haggling. Men are recommended to discover or launch a Pakistani version of E-Bay.

2. Face to Face Interactions Initiative: The solution is very simple; Don't let women leave their homes....ever, female parliamentarians can put a webcam up in the parliament and vote via G-Chat. In fact, the Aunty ministry will combine this in their recommendation for a massive expansion of online colleges and classes. How dare those boys be in a situation where they might even smell a girl !?!

3. Messenger & Email Laws: The Aunty Ministry will launch a multi-billion dollar initiative to destroy all Pakistani chat rooms and install state of the art spam blockers on individual accounts that prevent any online interaction…. I hate to break it to the Aunty Ministry, but we’re the ones who will be writing the programs for these firewalls, and odds are pretty good that we’ll find a way around them…just to prove that we can.

4. Gaming Zones Restrictions: Currently, these are man havens. Girls don't play video games, however in anticipation of the Mehndi version of Dance Dance Revolution & Rock Band, the Aunty Ministry recommends a ban for all women. Oddly, enough this will be the one proclamation that neither sex will be too bothered with. Win?

5. Restaurants Regulations: Close down all 'family' sections of restaurants, and keep video cameras that relay the footage on the web and allow parents (and the Aunty ministry) to track these scandalous couples, and appropriately punish them by lamenting how they shamed their last 29 generations. I always enjoy a good show with my dinner.

6. Education Policy: All institutions are to be single sex. Keep anything with a reasonable level of testosterone from entering girl’s schools (women won’t be entering all guy institutions), this would uplift female employment and reduce the number of dogs roaming around the premises. Men are recommended to actually attend school. (Note: The hair and makeup industry might go bankrupt).

The Big Idea:

Today’s 'youth' don't need paternalistic protectionist polices (though in our heart of hearts we are honored that our elected officials care...flattered really), however, we'd greatly appreciate it if they could focus their energies on prevalent issues like load shedding, unemployment, food prices etc.... that would be simply splendid of them.

Politicians are elected to govern, not to preach, particularly when their own track record sucks. Pity the youth don't vote….maybe we should?

A Pakistanily Correct Version was Reluctantly Published on Dawn.com

News Flash: Men are Not Stupid!!!

I hate to break to all the women in the world, but men are not stupid, boorish or simply clueless (well, 90% of the time). But I will say that women are highly complex creatures blessed with tremendous faculties that allow for a great deal of lateral, in depth thinking, most which men are highly unlikely to ever understand let alone appreciate. But the truth is, that Men aren't as limited as Women like to believe.

I understand it is in man kinds interest to perpetuate this myth, if for any other reason than it is highly convenient. The lower expectations are, the easier it is for guys to meet them (All in the interests of continuing the species). I also firmly believe it acts as a useful coping mechanism for women to justify a guys behavior.

Myth 1: Men Do Not Listen:

Contrary to popular belief, Men do listen, we also tend throw away bits of information that are irrelevant to our more immediate concerns and interests. It's not that we don't want to hear everything women have to say, we do, and we do try to, but after repeated inane detailed driven information overloads, our brain categorizes certain data as superfluous and deletes them.

A man may remember during his courtship that his future wife's favourite flowers are lily's, but have no clue by the eve of their first anniversary. Ever wonder why a man will never expect his partner to remember random details about his day, it's because think its irrelevant. Say what you will, but we are consistent.

Myth 2: Men are Calender Averse:

Highly untrue, ask any straight man and he can tell you the exact date and time of the next world cup final as well as the team's preseason friendly schedule. Women take severe issue with men forgetting birthdays, anniversaries etc, however, it's because women put a tremendous store of value into certain occasions.

Men don't dress up and plan their weddings as children, they may pretend that they are Sporting superstars and hence our interest in sports, but we don't have the same deep rooted appreciation for the same dates that women do.

For some guys, marriage is the day they stopped being the baller to end all ballers, and became a husband, a life partner responsible for the happiness of a union, throw in some added family pressure it's akin to waking up with a sack of bricks permanently attached to one's head. But we do it anyway. If that's not love, I dunno what is.

Myth 3: Men are Immature:

Men are not immature, we have adolescent habits that prove to be extremely confusing to women, but its because once we like something, we are pretty happy to continue doing them. No man I know who is hooked on video games or sports started playing when he was well into his 30's, once we develop an interest, we are consistent about adhering to them. One would think that women would appreciate this quality in men, however once those interests include womanizing, once can see why a gal would want a chap to change.

The root of the matter is that men suck at change, we like our youthful carefree selves and love doing the same things in our 30's that we did in our teens, it makes us feel cool. Perhaps, its sad and really does make men immature, but I took a poll and all of us agree that as long as it brings no direct harm to our partner, its totally fine. (One of my friends missed dinner with his fiance's parents because he was in the middle of his Football fantasy draft picks (he's 36 years old), in his defense, he did win).

Myth 4: Men are Terrible Communicators:

The truth is that we are very direct communicators, we don't have the desire to recount every detail of our day, we also are highly environmentally conscious and find using scare oxygen unnecessarily to be a huge environmental faux paux.

On a more serious note, men typically say what they mean and are very good at compressing tonnes of conversational material, deleting the inappropriate bits and concisely explain themselves. We say what we mean, and prefer to stick with it rather than overload others with superfluous information which doesn't directly pertain to them.

Myth 5: Men do not Feel:

This myth arises out of the difficulty some men have with emotions: in particular, talking about and sharing feelings. This is 100% down to how men are socialized, we are taught to compress our emotions and bury them under as many layers of feces as we can find. Some men choose to drown their feelings, typically in collaboration with their friends Jack, Jose and Jim (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo and Jim Bean).

Emotional self-expression is considered a useless trait for many men, in fact it is frowned upon; Grim and bear it, male kids are told to stop crying, girls are allowed to cope by expressing themselves, go figure. A part of being a man, is having a sense of stoic control; solely carrying the burden of responsibility no matter how heavy that may be. It's what we are taught, it's what we see and most importantly it how we function.

Just because men don't express emotions doesn't mean we don't feel. Women can enjoy figure skating competitions, yet not know how to skate. Men express their emotions through their actions; providing for their loved ones, giving that leads to concrete measurable results. We do as we feel, lip service isn't a by product we're comfortable with. So judge men by their actions, not necessarily by what they are able to say. It'll make a lot more sense.

Myth 5: Men are Insensitive to their Spouses Feelings

Men don't understand why small things have such large emotional implications on their spouses, nor do they particularly care. That's actually a lie, we do care, but after the days 12th mini crisis, we tend to avert our mind from the attention seeking behavior and devoting less emotional miles. We don't intend on becoming completely disconnected from our partners, but we put things in a simpler perspective.

It's not the end of the world if the neighbors bought the same car that you wanted in the first place, it doesn't change your attitude to that car. If you wanted it because it's a great car, what has materially changed? In fact, you'll have someone to compare notes with in case that car gives you trouble (If you don't like your neighbors, you can always crack their hood open and snatch a few spare parts).

Myth 6: Men are Controlling and Want Controllable Women:

Women feel that men have the inherent desire to be the alpha male and control their partners; hence desire a passive mate that may not be their intellectual equal. Men don't want a partner that will always say yes or are completely under their control. It's not exciting, or what a normal guy would sign up for but on the other hand, men don't want a lass who would rather be their mother than their partner. There is a balance.

Some guys are genuinely controlling, and a girl ought to know that if he was controlling before they get together, odds are that he'll be controlling well after. To each their own.

As a general rule, Men do want a measure of control, particularly in matters that pertain to both partners, but if its something guys are not good at, we strive to pretend to know what we're doing because the truth is, that we're always trying to be better than we actually are for the women in our lives. If we are controlling, its more paternalistic than alpha male. There is a widespread view, that after marriage, the responsibility for a girl shifts from her father to her husband. This is powerful motivation to maintain control and the truth is we're scared shit less of messing up (hence why when things go bad, we just marry another chick till we get it right, Yay 4 wives rule).

Myth 7: Men Care only about Sex:

Unfortunately, the mentality that emotional vulnerability equals weakness is alive and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and emotionally impotent.

Myth 8: Men Prefer Hanging with the Boys:

You'd be hard pressed to find a girl who doesn't have that complaint, particularly some time into a relationship. Relationships are a crap shoot, however the one constant besides family is the guys buddies. They are tried and tested, and are the safest place for a man to unwind, talk non-sense and act like he did in his previous decade. Even post marriage, men value those relationships.

Especially as they are typically longer than the duration of the relationship. It's also important to get good man bonding time, the more we get, the less irritable we are. Now the reason why guys do sometimes prefer hanging with the boys is that we take our bonds of brother hood very seriously, we have things to talk about that girls just wouldn't want to talk about (Sports, new gadgets, cars etc). End of the day, you barely get to see your guy friends once you've been lampooned by Cupids arrow. Sometimes you need to take time of for the boys.

Myth 9: Men are Romance Clueless;

The truth is that men are more romantic than woman. Men fall in love faster (they also usually take longer to admit it), but that's to some supremely gifted genetic wiring are able to move on quicker after a breakup (Goodbye bitch, Hello girl of My Dreams!). When a man meets a woman who has a lot of qualities they like, we stop taking in new information,as far as we are concerned, we've processed the necessary information.

Which makes it harder for guys to clearly see the things that they wouldn't like about her. Put it down to short attention span, or simply the desire to make a decision and get it over with, once the basics are set, we don't sweat the small (and sometimes not so small) stuff.

Myth 10: Men are Pigs:

Men are not pigs, or see women simply as objects of visual/physical pleasure. The truth is that we are wired to appreciate attractive women, much the same way a girl is wired to try to look desirable to attract a potential mate. When it comes to women, this is easily done with progressively fewer and more shapely articles of clothing, and results in a wide appeal to a man's more carnal desires.

However, just because our eyes are drawn, doesn't mean we are actively going to cheat. In baseball terms, as much as I'd like to draft Alex Rodriguez, I wouldn't because for one, it could be an expensive proposition, secondly, I'm happy with my current roster and thirdly, I think the idea would be ruined by the reality of actually having A-Rod on that company's books.

The Big Idea

Women live with in some magical dream world that you have to love everything about your mate. When there are certain habits that they don't appreciate, they add to the store of myths that women kind perpetuates. It's unhealthy and causes alot of heart ache. Chill outLadies, we Certainly do.

The cliche that you love people for their imperfections has a grain of truth to it, but it's realization that you enjoy spending time with that persons regardless of the unforseen imperfections There’s no formula for appreciating everything about someone regardless of how much we choose to love them. Everyone has their own unique and annoying little habits that we cannot totally ignore.

A man's bad habits shouldn't ruin the essence of your relationship with them. Is a guy that much worse a partner for leaving the toilet seat up? Focusing on trivial issues rather than the core of your partner could lead to constant and unnecessary worry about your compatibility. It goes without saying that you love your partner because of special qualities or characteristics that tugged at your heartstrings from the very first time. Ideally, loving every last thing about your man or woman is simply unrealistic and impossible, but as long as we continue to try to understand each other, we'll always be trying.

A version of this post has been published on dawn.com

Martyrdom = Seventy Two Virgins = Freaking Nightmare

Now, I keep hearing that the reason all of these Jihadists are so inclined on blowing themselves up is for God's ultimate reward of 72 Virgins. Now if Muslims actually believed this, there would be (a hell of a lot) more than the 40 or so suicide bombers in a year...for the love of God, there are over a Billion Muslims. 

These remarkably short life spanned chaps do it, because they are unhinged, they are morons and figure if they are going to kill themselves, they may as well get some credit for it....and say God said it was OK, so they're peeps can be proud of them and tell everyone there is a 'Welcome to Heaven' halo on their heads. Needless to say, their mental faculties are compromised (or mis-wired). But this whole concept brought a new line of questioning to my mind....

Q1. Who is the complete cluster fucking idiot who thought that seventy two virgins? 

It's from an unreliable guy, who heard it from a guy, who heard from a guy, who claimed that the Prophet said it, completely unverified and the guy has a spotty record/memory. A bunch of the sayings he attributed to Prophet Muhammad have already been disproved.....including this one.  

Q2. How did it become the epitome of God's greatest reward? 

If this imbecile is somehow still alive someone ought to take a loaded pistol, shove it up his ass, and keep pulling the trigger (remember to take the safety off!) till you hear the gun click......reload and repeat exercises. If the sewage spewing mind molester is dead, then I'm sure God's got me covered.

I have no idea beyond this. I refuse to conduct research as I believe all knowledge gathering outside of the Quran is a western conspiracy designed to cloud our pure Islamic minds. 

Ever wonder why there are so few Jihadist suicide bombers? It's very simple. It's evolution. Only the most stupid human being would think that it's a blessing to have to live and appease 72 chicks, hence, they are the morons who get to die (preferably before passing on their genes). To prove it, Islam allowed 4 wives. 

Now find me a single suicide bomber who has more than a single wife (that isn't clinically insane.... which would actually explain a lot).

Women are highly complex mind altering creatures, and the truth is that being with just one of them will cause cancer, ulcers, brain hemorrhaging, and that's before your married (if you want proof, check out Bridezillas). Now do yourself a favour and multiply that by the power of 72.  

Every man, with half a brain (or old enough to experience a relationship), has considered this, and has swiftly passed out from the potential trauma (this is why men like taking naps...we have long recovery periods). It's a completely stupid idea. 

Can imagine all the girl drama? Typical groups of girls (5-6) are bad enough, but I can't imagine what 72 virgins will do to a man psyche. Chatter, Chatter, Chatter....and you'll be the one 'impartial' mediator....Good Luck playing Daddy and Husband with the same horde of women all day (If your into that sort of thing, I doubt your in Gods goods books anyway). 

How do you explain how you love them all equally....to 72 women!!! Be careful or they'll string you up and tear you open like a pinata, although that's what you deserve for wanting such a ludicrous thing.  

Since women are the ones with the power in any relationship (it's a fact, check wikipedia), they are the ones who get to decide who gets the lucky martyr for the night....and how exactly do they do that amicably? Rock Paper Scissors? 

Forget friendly pillow fights, think more Jail house brawls. That's a dangerous collection of estrogen (a Class A felony drug if there was any), and your the only guy, but the end of your first week you'll be looking into Sex Change operations. 

Whilst one may currently be praying for 72 Virgins now, once you get them, you'll be praying for Viagra....not to mention a shot gun to blow your own brains out. 

Q3. Is this Logical?

My Logic is impeccable, if you don't believe me, check out my formula.

Step 1. Martyrdom = Seventy Two Virgins = Freaking Nightmare

Step 2. Martyrdom = Something only a Moron who hates his life pursues

Step 3. Something only a Moron who hates his life pursues = Seventy Two Virgins

The Big Idea

Life is hard, living the life of a good person (let alone Muslim) is hard. 

The truth is that we all, in some way or the other, come short.

To kill yourself and others in the name of religion is a cop out, and one that God isn't likely to fall for.

Instead, why don't you (Cluster Fucking) Martyrs, try Living for Islam and bettering the world around you.

Even if you fail, at least you won't harm anyone and hey, you might do some Actual Good.

How to Treat a Lady... (Part I)

I was recently solicited for advice on how to treat a lady, I obviously pleaded my ignorance in all things women, but despite my repeated admonishments that I have no experience in how to treat a real lady, I still couldn't help let the idea swirl in my head and languish in my ignorance.

I had originally intended to commence with my usual adolescent fraternity dribble about how it's typically better to say a joke, act cold(assholesque), and bluntly tell people what to do etc. but end of the day, it's complete BS guys all told to make ourselves feel better; For the real catch, you need the real deal.

I even quoted my favourite skirt chaser's take on life and marriage, "Guys want some dumb hottie to run around with and will only settle down when the sure thing is good enough versus rolling the dice at a bar."

Guys (Alpha Males in particular) want a girl slightly to waaaaay dumber than they are, so the guy can make the call about where to eat and when to hit the sack. Guys want a companion, not a warden. Men love it when a girl is literally in awe of their views and capabilities. If you haven't tried dating someone dumber than you, try it. If there are no girls dumber than you, then you deserve to end your genetic line, if for nothing else, than the betterment of man kind.

Who wants a chick to nag them when you could get an academically challenged bombshell, but unfortunately (for him) he wasn't looking for the usual Alpha Za BS I tend to spew.

Apparently, my former protege and now present day schmuck had met, The One. I was rather disappointed in him, God took him away from us far too soon (R.I.P). After saying a small prayer for his lost soul, I have subsequently succumbed and am providing him with advice that goes against my better judgement.

I'd like to preface this by saying that he isn't looking to merely score, he legitimately feels that this is Mrs. I'm ready to Retire my Play Boy Subscription and am a Cluster fucking Idiot.

There is a huge difference in trying to build a relationship with the girl of your dreams as opposed to one night standing it.

1. You Hit the Mother of all Jack Pots: Regardless of any Man Law ratings services, your date is the most beautiful desirable girl on the face of the cluster fucking planet. Period.

Do not pay any attention to the swarms of drop dead gorgeous girls around, trust me, she has already noticed them and feels self concious. If you want to make any degree of inroads with (or on) her, pretend they don't exist. If you want to gawk at hot girls, then go to a strip club or to a girls volleyball match.

Pay legitimate compliments, hopefully because you mean them, but mainly because women are generally insecure. By telling her that she looks good will give her confidence and make her more responsive to you. But this has to be done properly, gentlemanly in fact. No Stupid Shit.

Do not compliment her on her figure beyond the general 'you are looking great'. To be clear, telling a girl she has a nice rack is stupid and a sure shot way to have water thrown on your face. If on the off chance she likes it, then re-evaluate, she might be good for a little fun, but you have ask yourself if you really want to play with the toy that's been tossed around the entire play ground, can you imagine how many other guys germs are all over it? But if your really committed, go all out.

2. Specific Meal Payment Etiquette; These are time honored and true. I refuse to believe that girls are offended by these no matter what their degree of feminism is (if they are feminist, run for the hills....or at least Capitol Hill, DC intern staffers are cute and lonely....but I digress).

Do not let her pay for any portion of the meal. You pay for her meal, not because it's a power play and you tell yourself that she'll be paying for it later, because you have the profound privilege of her company. An alternative rule that I have heard is that the person who issues the invite is the one responsible for paying, but that's a cop out for any self respecting employed guy. Men woo Women. Period.

When the bill arrives, if she does more than the token protest and offer to pay (this will usually happen), then simply reply how it's the best investment you ever made. If she continues to haggle you (I still recommend running to the hill), then reply (with as much fake sincerity as you can muster) that she can get the next one (tab).

This does two things, firstly she'll think your serious about seeing her again (even if you don't want to) and secondly she'll find it really clever and flattering. You can also keep repeating this line for future dates in perpetuity.

Now these responses will work for 99% of all dates, nut if she really is a complete nut job on her period (did I mention how you should be running for the hill?) and is extremely insistent. Then offer to continue the date and let her get coffee or desserts from somewhere else. (So you get to spend more time with The One).

However, I do remember a story from my resident skirt chaser in chief where he used the above tactics and nothing worked. Fortunately for the story, he's a rather obstinate fellow and felt that he had to win the argument (no man legitimately dating a truly rad girl will win every (or any) argument, nor does he really want to), so he leaned over her and smirkingly said 'why don't you take care of me later and we'll call it even', after which he was expecting her to stomp off as mad as a hornet, however, she cooly replied, 'Well, I'm not going to, so why don't you save the money and get yourself a nice tart off the street'. This girl deserves honorary bro membership. Respekt.

3. Eyes on the Prize: This is actually very simple. Do not look at her chest. Laws of common dating etiquette dictate that Women don't mind the odd admiring class or if you are checking them out on their way in or out of a place (I think its so that can you can watch out for the pretty face with the lobster body (all the meat is in the back)). Women like the respectful appreciation as long as you can put your tongue back in your mouth within a reasonable period of time. But they take severe issue with you if you have a fixation with their chest area and to be frank, I can't blame them.

A friend of mine (Fred), while out to dinner was informed by his date that she didn't like that he stared at her breasts all the time, and that it made her feel like a piece of meat. He helpfully responded, "Yeah but like a premium genetically superior steak". Needless to say Fred is a Grade A cluster fucking idiot, but he serves as a useful lesson. Eyes Up!

If your eyes need to wander somewhere, make sure it's right into her eyes. Girls tend to find it flattering. But the key is not to look too intensely, then it's just creepy.

4. Promote the Color Red; Red roses, red wine, red steak, red bull all the best things in life are red. Even Vampires agree, blue blood just isn't as good as red. The color red should be very important to you, a red tie for example exudes power (duh...obviously you're suited up).

Always tell a girl that she looks amazing in red, because frankly it's a (scientifically proven) sensual color; It gives girls more confidence to be daring and fun. And odds are you'll get lucky..ier than you usually would.

5. This is Your Party, Make it Count; Your main duty for the duration of the date isn't gathering her medical history, how many kids she wants, what her job entails (PS: terms like works in fashion typically means low level employee in a retail outlet) or canvassing her political views (no good can ever come of this, remember, your trying to seduce her, not debate health reform). Your role is to make sure she is having a good time and not screw things up.

Since most dates will be over coffee or a meal, you will have plently of talking time, so make sure you have some funny anecdotes to tell, or just make some up if your really not that interesting.

If you want to know if a girl finds you riveting (and worthy of a second date/kiss), then lower your voice a few decibels and see if she leans forward. If she does, then keep doing what you're doing (even if all it is, is making fart jokes...ohk maybe not), if not, then that means she hardly cares, change your line of attack.

All you need to do is find out what she is interested in, and ask her about that and somehow relate that to something you do. Girls look for signs that you are compatible and that you've made an effort for her.

"Aw, did you dress up just to impress me?" The reason why a guy should dress up for a lucky lass isn't so that she can be wowed by your latest array of threads, it should be because he feels that she is so beautiful, that she deserves to be out with a well dressed man (though if she's impressed, why the hell not?).

If you can't pull off a sincere sounding response with a straight face, then practice in front of the god damn mirror. (this is actually redundant as she knows you dressed up for her, she's teasing, you stupid cluster fuck).

Thou shalt open the door, car door (preferably your bedroom door). It's a quaint old tradition, but girls like this part of the wooing process. I have little clue why, but I am assuming Hugh Grant did something that made it seem chivalrous. Besides, nothing says I like you, than opening the door for a girl so you can check her out.

To be continued...

Credit Cards are Like a Bad Relationship...

Credit Cards; We all own one, and how can we not? They promise so much yet deliver so little. Much like a relationship.... You never know what your really getting yourself into until your stuck counting the cost. But how do you explain it's impact on someone who hasn't owned one?

If there was ever a recipe for bad romance, credit cards are it. I sure hope credit card companies and debt collectors have a sense of humor about what they do.

When you meet someone you like, you feel very happy, you see how others act around her, and you can't help but want her for yourself. Lets call her Madame Visa. You are hesitant to apply, after all, is she really worth the commitment, is she someone you want to take home to meet your parents? Someone to rely on a during a pricey family dinner maybe? 

Once you scrounge up the courage and apply for her good graces, you can't help feel hesitant. After all who knows what your past history will reveal; A faulty credit score is a tough thing to get over. But who knows? Maybe if you've been prudent your entire life you haven't been with her fickle friends Madame's MasterCard, American Express and Discovery. You might be safe. You pray that she doesn't scorn you over your past involvements. After all, they're in the past baby, I'm sure with you it'll be different. Magical even. I know your the right one for me! 

If she says yes and embraces your hand with all the comfort you dreamed off. You can't help but enjoy how magical it feels. She accepts and chooses you. She will support you (with 0% for the first 6 months even) and even give you 2% cash back, all because she is so fine that all business want you, treat you special even, just so you you come visit. All because of the lovely lady nestled in your outstretched palm.  

You think it's poor taste to swipe her once too often, after all, she is special, but you can't help but show her off and how powerful you feel with Madame Visa clutched onto your fingertips.  

How can you help but not fall in inexplicably love with her? She always says yes to your most arduously hidden desires, should you buy a light pink man-purse complete with a humidifier for $399, yes! After all, its less than $400 and she will feel oh so protected in there. 

It is only after that glow new loves brings to fade that you discover the problems that a real relationship brings. She is no longer as comforting anymore, she grows distant, disinterested even and at times severely demanding. 

You acquiesce by throwing money at the problem, the 38.95% rate is no problem, anything to keep Madame Visa happy. She wants and expects the best. After all, you knew what you were getting into....didn't you read the fine print? You find that your 'investment' in Madame Visa's happiness is really an expensive hobby....nay your life in fact. Until the day when tempers fray she humiliates you by declining your affections in public. 

You fight, you cry, you scream and you beg to be placed back in her good graces, but alas. You try and you swipe, but it is done. You have been declined. Someone takes Madame Visa off you and cuts her into small pieces, much like your heart and the realization that you are no longer whole. Your life will never be the same. To have loved and lost, is better than to never have loved at all. You will eventually recover, and hopefully learn from your past and trust your heart to someone who will really take care of you and know when to say no. A trusty debit card perhaps.    

When you get a card, you feel happy, suddenly you feel like you can do anything (as far as your limit allows). New frontiers open up as your no longer constrained by the pesky prudent limits of your disposable income, in short you love your shiny new credit card. You feel that the card and its minimal introductory fees are truly an investment, much like a nice shiny charcoal grey power suit. 

In fact, maybe you'll splurge on that awesome suit you saw at Barney's, imagining your co-workers' complements flowing on how great you look, how your boss will see how you've taken your look to a new level and are now ready for a big promotion (not to mention an earth shattering) raise and how that hot new receptionist's knees are going to buckle just seeing you gliding regally in that suit of Kings. 

Master of the Universe indeed, and your plastic lover, Madame Visa is your king maker. 

Well, you buy the suit (along with shoes, tie, belt, silk briefs and a watch), swiping your card away with care free abandon with the full knowledge that its 0% for 6 months. You don't care what it will cost, after all, your forthcoming raise will probably more than cover it all. It's an investment in the future.

Fast forward 6 months and no one has really complemented you on your suit, minus your co-workers cursory, "Is that a new suit, gee that's nice" before going back to their desks (after all, your bonus is based on the work you do, not what you wear while doing it you twat!), your bosses look at your (mostly) shiny suit silently fume that you bought a nicer suit than the ones that they are wearing and privately wonder if its because your going for an interview.... you disloyal brat! And the pretty receptionist doesn't notice your gargantuan investment, after all she sees hundreds of suits every day, what does she care/know if you splurged on a new expensive one, she's more concerned about her date with the Managing Director and the ride he promised her in (or perhaps on) his new fully loaded company issued Mercedes! 

To add insult to injury, you just saw the same suit you splurged on, on discount at Men's Warehouse no less....the nerve! 

6 months of good living start coming back to haunt you....0% is history, now your rate has ballooned to 38.95%.  Making those payments means drastically reducing spending, time to start bringing a sandwich to work. Cereal diet takes on a whole new meaning...if you splurge, its on the dollar menu at Mc Donalds. Time to down grade from Grey goose, to "affordable yet still tasty" Bud Lite. No more nights out at that hot new VIP clubs; trucker dive bars are the new name of the game (Hello STD ridden biker gals)....maybe it's time to hawk your suit before the debt collector walks in. 

And whilst all this is happening, you wistfully think, perhaps you shouldn't have insisted on getting bottle service to impress your entourage (and the honey's) every time you went out, or rented that expensive BMW for your road trip home. After all you wanted everyone to remark on how amazingly successful you are. But alas, it was but a lie, funded by Madame Visa and now she wants it all back.....with an egregious amount of interest. 

Your plastic friend was a burning plastic fiend in disguise. Now its too late. Your screwed. You wanted a life partner, and what you got was a temperamental mistress. Treat her well, and she'll be good to you for a while, but as time goes on her demands grow more the irrational, after all, paying a monthly minimum credit card of $800 per month is insane! But you must grim and bear it. After all who wants to be alone and reconvene that feeling of powerlessness?

The lesson to be learned here is that a good life is expensive, full of expectations and imperfections which we are desperate to hide to the world. Unfortunately life isn't quite so simple, even happiness has its costs. Lets just hope for your own sake that it's not as expensive as a Credit Card. But if your really good and really lucky, you will one day find that magical card that will make your life all the better for a life time.    

Promiscuity; double standards galore...Thank you Father Time!

One of my male friends tried to explain a double standard to a female friend when she posed the question of why when a girl sleeps with two different guys a year, she is a slut, but if a guy sleeps with two girls in a night he is a rock star.

I do have a few salient points that I need to address.

Firstly, I'm appalled that any girl would sleep with two boys in her WHOLE LIFE (do her irresponsible parents know that her libido is destroying the family's reputation?) as opposed to a single year (You slut!).....just kidding....or Am I. Yay Pakistani culture of Abstinence.

Secondly, Rock stars sleep with way more than two girls a night, though once they cross the age of 60, they are allowed to slow down....looking at you Mick Jagger! (I'm excluding all rockstars that play Jazz or Country music).

Thirdly by sleep we don't mean actual sleeping, doing the dirty would be more accurate, though men have been known to take cat naps during the cuddling process.

Fourthly....You Brought if up! why do you discriminate, I would never call a girl who slept around like a prostitute a slut.....highly available and open for business maybe...but never so callous. Besides, I hear girls call each other sluts with happy smiles on their faces all the time.

Now I really enjoyed my male friends justification.

Think of it like a Key and Lock. Guys are Keys and Girls are Locks. If you have a key that fits in many locks, then that's a Master Key, which is really awesome, effective and desirable to be. But if your a Lock that fits many keys, well that's just a shitty lock.

Every guy likes to think of himself or try to be a master key, but no girl thinks of herself as a crappy lock. It's only the ballsy guys (typically the assholes) who have "drive" to try to open as many locks as possible in the never ending quest to prove themselves to be a master key (results may vary), while a woman's apparent duty to be as sturdy a lock as possible; the more their lock is opened the less desire one has to take that lock home and pronounce a lifelong commitment use that lock as a protection for one's home/family's 'honor'. After all insurance sucks and there is no life time warranty.