Friday, February 5, 2010

The God & Suicide Bomber Story

Another day and yet another gruesome attack, this time a Shia procession and a subsequent attack at a Hospital. I can barely mourn for the dead anymore, this wave of violence has gone on for so long, than even the most squeamish amongst us has become increasingly desensitized to these attacks.

However, this time around, I can't help but lament over the nature of the targets. Military bases, government institutions, symbols of liberalism (such as co-ed schools) I can somewhat understand, perhaps in some warped way justify to myself that would make these targets tenable for the massacres inflicted.

However, when it comes to bombing a hospital, any esoteric weaving of logic I was able to do dissipates. They attacked a hospital, a place which they knew would be overflowing with the injured from Jihadist's earlier attack on the procession is simply unconscionable.

A hospital is a place of healing, regardless of who the patient is, what views they ascribe to. In fact, I doubt most hospitals even know what views (religious, political or otherwise) their patients hold. It's mindless, senseless and just brutal.

How do they know that the hospital wouldn't contain those who may actually support their agenda, it's not like they have a mailing list (the post office and computers are apparently tools of the infidel).

The isn't a war, Islamic and otherwise; its murder, plain flat and fucking simple. At the most basic level, in a war, civilian casualties are a by-product, not the goal.

Now in my pissed off state, I imagined a conversation God would have with one of these recently deceased self proclaimed 'Jihadist', I decided to call him Billy Islamacide, not only because his initials BI can also stand for butt fucked imbecile, but because the name Billy reminds me of billy goats, who are blessed with the most unfortunate scraggly facial hair and Islamacide is a good meld for mass murder using Islam as justification.

This is how I feel the story would go....

Once upon a time, there was a Suicide Bomber named Billy Islamacide, he attacked a hospital, died gloriously and went to meet God, so that he may be justly rewarded....

God: Welcome to the after life, Billy.
Billy Islamacide: Thank you my Lord, I am grateful to be here. I trust you are aware of the great sacrifices I have made in your name. I have killed many infidels and spread your glorious message of Islam, like the Prophet, his companions and missionaries before me.
God: You're not very smart Billy, I am God, I already know what you've done.
Billy: Of course, how silly of me. That's great! I imagine you must be very pleased with me!
God: Pleased doesn't quite justify how I feel.
Billy: I lived only to serve! I trust that you may be forgiving of my shortcomings. I strove to be the best Muslim I knew how to be, but I beg for your tolerance, I am imperfect.
God: Live to serve?...May I remind you that you are dead. Is Islam not a religion of tolerance?
Billy: Yes, and I have taken great pains to promulgate that message, we are extremely tolerant of those who follow the true message of Allah.
God: Billy, do you know what tolerance means?
Billy: er...sort off, but I think it's being nice to people, who don't always agree with you. For example, my homeboy Asad, I apologize for his lateness he should be here shortly, we're attacking a market tomorrow, thinks the Prophets favourite color was White, whilst I was like, haha silly boy, I am sure the Quran says that our glorious Prophets favored black, hence why the Mullahs wear black robes!
God: Prophet Muhammad's favourite color was green. He liked greenery, in fact he would water trees himself and ordered the Armies of Islam to not cut trees or cause such destruction on their war marches. As I am the one who composed the Quran, I can assure you that there is nothing in there about Prophet Muhammad's favourite color.
Billy: Oh...haha, of course, I must have misread that. Asad will find this so funny when he gets here....haha.
God: Billy, Have you read the Quran?
Billy: Of course I have, it is the most glorious perfect book in existence! In fact, its the only one I own. I burnt all the others!
God: Billy.....
Billy: Ok, I might have been stretching the truth there, I do own some issues of Play boy....
God: Billy....
Billy: Alright, Alright, I also have some issues of Butt Wild Gay Cowboys, but it was only for research purposes, you must know your enemy! and I was planning to burn them.
God: Billy, you can't read. Your followers think you can, but you don't.
Billy: Yes, my Almighty God, but in my defense I have recited and learned many verses from the Quran. Even though we were missing several holy pages, we were able to um...replace them.
God: and how was that Billy?
Billy: Well, we went into greater detail about killing fake Muslims and non-Muslims, just as you desired...
God: I did not desire it. Did your Prophet not live side by side with Jews, Christians and Idol Worshippers and treat them fairly?
Billy: Well, I don't remember reading that, but I'm sure his purpose was to eventually convert them to Islam by showing them the right path....
God: Then if that is the example he set, he allowed them free will, as is the right of every human being, why couldn't you do the same? You chose to make your point by killing your fellow man, MY CREATIONS, how is that not Murder?
Billy: It's not Murder, its Jihad! I did it for you, my Lord. I did it out of love, in hope that you would reward me! My intentions were pure. They were fake Muslims! They didn't follow your word! They deserve to die, at the very least this way they are an example for those who do not believe!
God: Your intentions were as pure as poison. What displeases me the most isn't that you killed, but you killed in my name, killed Muslims. You pretended to be a learned Islamic Cleric, whereas you hadn't fulfilled the most basic criteria. BTW, it is my prerogative to recognize who is a Muslim and who is not. If I wanted Non-Muslims dead, I would do it myself. You failed me.
Billy: But, they served as motivation to guide others to the right path and I am charitable, I fed, clothed and educated a dozen children!
God: Motivation and coercion are two different things. You stole children from their families and brain washed them with your doctrine of hate, whiles twisting my message of Love and tolerance. They was no real love, they were merely a means to an end. You intended to use them as an army of suicide bombers and you know that to be true as surely as I am God.
Billy: Are you sure your not Satan trying to play tricks on me?
God: No, but if I was, the trick I'd play was to let you think that you were getting a palace with 70 gorgeous virgins, whilst actually putting you in a dungeon with 70 rapists and murderers; All of whom are quite keen to score points with me by making you their raggedly doll bitch.

Billy: So what your saying 70 Virgins?
God: No, but I hear Satan has a pineapple strap on that he's looking to try, interestingly it's actually morphed with a porcupine and shark teeth. He sent me a picture from his I-Phone, you want to see? I even made an app for it.
Billy: God, no, please! But you're the most merciful, can't I repent somehow. Perhaps pray or compose a hip hop beat for the Quran?
God: Let me put it this way you illiterate cluster fucking idiot, if all of your victims, were willing to forgive you, which I can assure you that they are not, and even if they do, their progeny would not, you robbed them of their fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters. When it's all said and done, you pissed me off, and that takes some doing as I'm a fairly temperate sort of fellow. I wouldn't forgive you for besmirching my name and committing murder. There are, and should always be, limits to my mercifulness and unfortunately for you I get to decide what they are, in fact if you used your brain and read your 'favourite book' you'd know what they were; You crossed that line with zealot like fervor and a big smile on your face. You can't be ruthless to others and expect mercy for yourself.
Billy: But....but....
God: Got to Hell (seriously, that is where you are going), and trust me, your hairy pimply butt will definitely be a focal point there.
Billy then goes to Hell
The End


Unknown said...

I absolutely love this one , totally cracked me up! - sarah

Alpha Za said...

How is it that my sister finds one of my most serious blogs to be supremely funny. I must be doing something wrong. Must write about Barack Obama's receding hairline.

Since you have a blogspot account, be sure to become a follower! (I like having many minions).

Alpha Za said...

Thank you for your comment Faizan, I will definitely take your thoughts into account the next time I actually give a shit....which may be never.

Pity you wasted 3 minutes of your life reading a 'low scale poor bastards' blog on my account. Most upsetting.