Monday, February 8, 2010

A New Afghan Strategy

I thought I ought to help out Ol Barry (Barack Obama) and get him a functional Afghan strategy,whats more is that I want him to win re-election (he's not going to at his current rate of success). I'll tell you right now, the surge won't work. however, I do have some helpful ideas. 

1. Feed Them! The Food in Afghanistan sucks. Is there any country in the world with crappy food and happy people? I think not. Opening multiple chains of McDonald's, KFC's Subways, Pizza Huts etc will do much appease the people. 

McDonald's can launch The Mc Afghan (Quarter pound of grilled Lamb buns), Mc Turban (a healthy multi layered chicken wrap infused with the smell of poppy leaves....munchies guaranteed), McBurqa (Fish Tacos laced with a tinge of staleness) and the McMullah (A healthy triple decker beef burger choked in cooking oil served with a side of holy water). 

Afghans typically are illiterate, so they wouldn't understand the dietary country, but they'll understand the deliciousness. The better fed they are, the less big deal the countries mess up state will be.

2. Open Smut Houses! Afghan's love watching movies and adore the cinematic experience.A movies success is directly proportional to the size of the heroines butt and amount of shaking in the movie. Nature dictates that Men like seeing Hot women doing terrible degrading things, it sure beats going to nearby football field and watching the same being done between guys. 

Start opening dedicated porn/smut houses and I can guarantee you that the Afghans will find a way to guard the houses. It'll bring people together, tribal affiliations won't matter, instead they'll get block buster style memberships and be united. 

3. Turbans Rock Tour! There is nothing like music, mosh pits and rock and roll to spread happiness. Have Peace promotion concerts with Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, U2 (....ohk, that ones for me, tickets are hard to come by dammit), Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson. You read right. Get a Michael Jackson look alike and have him perform a national tour. Conveniently enough, Afghans have no idea what he looks like (or that he's dead) and are unsure to his exact ethnicity. 

So the upside is that if one or two Michael's end up perishing during the tour, hey no worries....lots of starving musicians out there. They can even name him Mohammad Jackson for the tour and tack on some facial hair (much to the sadness of the sodomizing community). The more famous musicians will be on board because they've wanted to try fresh Afghan dope. 

4. Transmit Liberalism! Directly beam in translated Western channels for free. Afghan's already love Friends (they are planning to kill Satan incarnate Joey Tribbiani, but he's so damn adorable), Prison break (They think it's an informational documentary and are waiting for the Guantanamo bay season) and House (Greg House's brand of tough love reminds them of their Daddy issues, besides, they are curious about this whole hospital healing concept....groovy). 

Afghanistan will be the first country (outside Europe) that will get free porn channels! Now there is a reason to live. I'm sure US can override any traditional Afghan news channels...oh wait they don't have any. 

5. Tactical Replacements! Replace all pain killer medicine with Viagra. The upside is all Afghans will perpetually be in heat and will only have sex on their mind (Men are incapable of using both heads at once....the lower head takes priority), rather than anything anti-western.

The number of marriages will be bursting at the seem and this will increase the standard of living, as well as increase economic activity. However, this may negatively impact the prevailing rate of sodomy in the country. But hey, you win some, you lose some. 

6. Tours of Booty! Make prostitution an offense that requires having a tour of duty, by duty I mean booty, in Afghanistan. World Wide prostitution rates will fall (or be legalized) and these lucky ladies (and men) will have the most awesome tan in the world, before they are allowed to return home. 

Also we can expect many of these women marry the local lads (and potentially lasses), so the ethnic breakup of Afghanistan will change. Incidentally Islam allows 4 wives, but that's fine, as the lasses are already be accustomed to sharing and being treated badly and in fact are highly trained role players. 

7. Move to the Beat: Hallelujah Halal Yo! Release musical tracks with caricature of Mullahs rapping in Afghani (its called Pushto), make it sound pseudo religious, infused with the Jesus I love every body. Peace TV eat your heart out. The tunes will be so darn catchy, that everyone will be humming along to them, the tunes can even be stolen from old backstreet boy tracks. 

In fact they'll be able to get ring tones and download tracks from cellular providers. Tech Savvy Mullah are the Bomb....alright, poor choice of words. 

8. Adopt an Afghan! Due to the war there are already so many orphans roaming around, it'll be a hot new market for the Madonnas and Angelina Jolie's of the world. Tourism industry will boom and their are more than enough orphans to go around. 

Have Obama's adopt an Afghan baby. So much money will poor in from NGO's and other development agencies looking to curry favor from Obama's progeny, that Afghanistan will be reconstructed in the blink of an eye.

9. Hell Hath No Fury As A Women Scorned: The biggest misconception that everyone has about Afghan society is the men are all powerful; this is an utter lie. Get it Right.  

The men (like most men) are scared shit less of their wives. They all come home everyday praying that they're wives (all 4 of them) don't beat the living shit out of them (This is why men are always heavily covered and have beards, to compensate for their facial scars and to enhance their masculinity...its freaking boiling in there). Trust me, its for good reason. Have you seen Afghan Women....they are like special ops...always under the dark cover of anonymity. Freaking Deadly.

Ever wonder why guys are so willing to and fight for God? because they're looking for a reason! They figure that if they fight and die for God, they'll get 70 Virgins...and be far far away from the women in their family. 

Women folk are the ones that get super pissed when the fruit of their loins get killed. Afghans have huge families, if a kid passes dies (usually from inadequate health care), Men are like we have like 8 others, but a women looks at that loss with emotional rage thinking that's one perfectly healthy kid and 9 months of work down the fucking drain!!! 

Do you know how hard it is to tend to a poppy field with only 8 kids...that's screwing with our working capital (Afghan women are very business minded, particularly as their husbands are always playing 'Whose an Infidel' with their friends). What the Hell! Now we have to have yet another kid? Death to the Infidel. 

The solution is to appease Afghan women by providing loads of free cosmetics, clothing, sanitizer wipes, vacuum cleaners, toasters etc. Stop dumping the crap in Africa, they don't have electricity! At least the Afghans have drug dollars and the odd solar panel. 

10. Teach them How to Play American Football: I'm actually serious, for the serene Japanese, baseball worked just fine to further the liberal Satanistic agenda, however, the Taliban are tougher lot. American football is the cure. It has ample weed smoking breaks and instead of using pig skins, alligator hides will be sufficient. 

If the Alligator is still alive, all the better, because they are manly like that. No Helmet or padding guards are for wusses. This would be the perfect outlet for their rage, leaving the rest of their days as totally chill out zones.  

The Big Idea

No one, has the perfect solution, but instead of trying to formulate the government, building unused (and soon to be bombed) buildings and putting together a 'national' army, just try helping the people. 

The real problem isn't the corruption, it's the desire to appease the government and power brokers, as much influence as they have, they have no stake in letting Nato's boys leave Afghanistan. The key is empowering the people, worst comes to worse, you'll make their lives a little better. I get it, it's a novel concept, but it's worth a try things can't get any worse, at the current rate, they'll elect Osama Bin Laden.

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