Monday, March 29, 2010
The BRA Ministry: Officially Dealing with Silly Crap
Why I Wrote This:
I think most governments tend to spend their time on spurious useless things and generally enjoy wasting the tax payers money (my money!). However, I think the government ought to celebrate it's uselessness and inaugurate a Ministry of Silly; of course it cannot be called that, it'll probably be called something truly grand like 'The Ministry for the Betterment of Resource Allocations (BRA)'
The Ministry will focus on the very important prevailing issues of the day that are distracting the hearts and mind of our Parliamentarians.
1. Patriotic Fire! Burning all American, Israeli Flags and have a national effigy burning day. That way we can get it out of our system on that one day and proceed to spend the rest of the year begging them for Money. The Ministry will also levy liberal taxes on the sale of such items that may be used to produce such flammable goods like textiles, flag makers, handicrafts. The revenues will be used to fund terrorists, I mean Freedom Fighters....Location of Said Freedom Fighters is Yet to be Decided.
2. Travel Arrangement made Awesome: International Relations Junkets, because nothing raises awareness and foreign investment than trips to Monaco, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Cancun and St. Barts. Did We mention that we are so awesome, that we can't hear the people of Pakistan crying of Poverty? We are that Awesome!...Maybe we should buy a few Starship Enterprises....
3. Prostitution Drives: To drive out all the prostitutes from the streets of our morally sound nation, luckily location of these prostitutes should be easy as they are all embedded in our Parliamentarian's speed dials and Rollodexes. Look under, 'Dolly'.
4. Pakistan is the Greatest Nation of All Time: Promoting that concept will create an environment that will make everything the government achieves to be far more fruitful. In fact, Bill Clinton and John Edwards are being recruited to head up that effort. Bill Clinton is being paid in the Prostitutes and John Edwards is being paid in Hair cuts....and diplomatic immunity in case he knocks some poor girl up and has to flee.
5. We don't Pollute Really: We'll hire second grade school kids in Japan to develop a report complete with interactive power point telling the World how Pakistan actually does not pollute at all....seriously. They even promised to paste Green Peace's Logo onto it. Steve Job's will present the report at the next Apple convention. We even have a Pakistani Logo ready that'll fit nicely on a Mac....
6. Superiority of Masculine Pakistani Men: NONE of us are gay, not one bit...seriously. We interpret Islam to say you can't marry a man, but it's totally cool to get all butt wild on each other....Just to prove it, we'll legalize gay marriage. However, we will not be responsible for any honor killings that may or may not happen (depending on how much evidence the damn Western Satanistic media has).
7. Superiority of Pakistani Women: All of them are morally sound virgins...even some of the ones that are married. That's how freaking pure they are. Keep your Whores Eastern Europe!
8. Put a Heavy Tax on all Sugary products: Sugar makes kids fat, hyper and more likely to be disruptive in class and stay up late at night, which destroys the relationships between men and women.
9. Earth Hour Every Day: Just to Prove Pakistan is doing it's bit to save the planet, we're so damn awesome that we'll have 3 hours of load shedding...I mean energy conservation methods every day. Suck on that you Damn polluting Earth Haters.
10. Fiscal Space Finders: Special Tasks Forces into Alleviating the Pressure of Government Spending...by cutting non essential programs like Infrastructure development, International debt repayments and government salaries. We may also lease the parliament building to Black Water and hold all of the parliaments votes via video conference or at the local sports club....pity no women allowed.
11. Food & Health Functions: Visits to all restaurants to be used for reviewing their health and safety standards, primarily 5 star establishments will be targeted....Food and Beverages will be free. However we humbly request BYOB, Bring your own Black Water; Booze and Bimbos are Free of course.
12. Sports Corruption Management: All sporting Athletes are to be audited for corruption, if found corrupt, they must pay taxes as well as undergo a a tax penalty. No retribution for actually match fixing as that would our national sentiment, in fact all the proceeds will be wired to Swiss bank accounts for discretionary spending on the Ministry's activities.
13. Polling Data Management: Crucial Survey's into whether or not the government of Pakistan ought to pay it's bills to the imperial dictators. After all, it's not our fault that the last 60 years of governments made the country into a mess. We ask the people, we pretend we know what they are saying, and do whatever we like. What up Democracy!
14. Foreign Policy Input: Take care of particularly unsavory diplomatic meetings with opponents like India, the Taliban and the USA with saying 'I can't hear over the sound of how awesome I am'. Much Success. We will send them Gold Plated Cats just to prove how cool we are.
15. Government of the People....Seriously: Send the common man to talk shows and do nothing but curse at the media. Reward them with key position in the foreign diplomatic corps....Go Luxembourg & Haiti.
16. Social Welfare Initiatives: Pass laws on spitting pan but tax rebates on those who can spit further than ten meters. Then make them practice with gasoline....Army militia can be supplemented.
17. Author Laws Banning Tight Fitting Jeans...yet leave a loophole for skirts (For both men and women). The Ministry will Hire English Majors from super liberal American Universities to do so.
18. Strictest Allocation of Resources: Strict checks & balances on Perks and Protocols will be established, no more than 50% of Pakistan''s armed forces (or Budget) can be used for parliament and govt. protection. The other 50% are to invade the Middle East....what? everybody is doing it...we have NUKES biatch!...did we mention how awesome we are that we can't hear you?
19. Women are Banned from Smoking....Period. From hence forth, their only methods of smoking will be by inhaling smoke via kissing men who are more than happy to do so out of the generosity of their hearts.... Everyone wins. We expect as a side effect youth marriages to increase exponentially and the birth defect rate to drop significantly. A married society is a happy society.
20. Bra On? The Bra Ministry will make on the spot checks to ensure all women (between the ages of 16-35) are wearing govt. approved Bra's. It must provide adequate support and enhance cleavage.
The Big Idea:
By having this Serious yet utterly Facetious Ministry perhaps the other branches of government can actually do their jobs rather than involve themselves with non-issues and idiotic legislation. Then again, they are so awesome they can't hear the People...My Bad.