Monday, March 29, 2010

The BRA Ministry: Officially Dealing with Silly Crap

Why I Wrote This:

I think most governments tend to spend their time on spurious useless things and generally enjoy wasting the tax payers money (my money!). However, I think the government ought to celebrate it's uselessness and inaugurate a Ministry of Silly; of course it cannot be called that, it'll probably be called something truly grand like 'The Ministry for the Betterment of Resource Allocations (BRA)'

The Ministry will focus on the very important prevailing issues of the day that are distracting the hearts and mind of our Parliamentarians.

1. Patriotic Fire! Burning all American, Israeli Flags and have a national effigy burning day. That way we can get it out of our system on that one day and proceed to spend the rest of the year begging them for Money. The Ministry will also levy liberal taxes on the sale of such items that may be used to produce such flammable goods like textiles, flag makers, handicrafts. The revenues will be used to fund terrorists, I mean Freedom Fighters....Location of Said Freedom Fighters is Yet to be Decided.

2. Travel Arrangement made Awesome: International Relations Junkets, because nothing raises awareness and foreign investment than trips to Monaco, Hawaii, Las Vegas, Cancun and St. Barts. Did We mention that we are so awesome, that we can't hear the people of Pakistan crying of Poverty? We are that Awesome!...Maybe we should buy a few Starship Enterprises....

3. Prostitution Drives: To drive out all the prostitutes from the streets of our morally sound nation, luckily location of these prostitutes should be easy as they are all embedded in our Parliamentarian's speed dials and Rollodexes. Look under, 'Dolly'. 

4. Pakistan is the Greatest Nation of All Time: Promoting that concept will create an environment that will make everything the government achieves to be far more fruitful. In fact, Bill Clinton and John Edwards are being recruited to head up that effort. Bill Clinton is being paid in the Prostitutes and John Edwards is being paid in Hair cuts....and diplomatic immunity in case he knocks some poor girl up and has to flee.

5. We don't Pollute Really: We'll hire second grade school kids in Japan to develop a report complete with interactive power point telling the World how Pakistan actually does not pollute at all....seriously. They even promised to paste Green Peace's Logo onto it. Steve Job's will present the report at the next Apple convention. We even have a Pakistani Logo ready that'll fit nicely on a Mac....

6. Superiority of Masculine Pakistani Men: NONE of us are gay, not one bit...seriously. We interpret Islam to say you can't marry a man, but it's totally cool to get all butt wild on each other....Just to prove it, we'll legalize gay marriage. However, we will not be responsible for any honor killings that may or may not happen (depending on how much evidence the damn Western Satanistic media has).

7. Superiority of Pakistani Women: All of them are morally sound virgins...even some of the ones that are married. That's how freaking pure they are. Keep your Whores Eastern Europe!

8. Put a Heavy Tax on all Sugary products: Sugar makes kids fat, hyper and more likely to be disruptive in class and stay up late at night, which destroys the relationships between men and women.

9. Earth Hour Every Day: Just to Prove Pakistan is doing it's bit to save the planet, we're so damn awesome that we'll have 3 hours of load shedding...I mean energy conservation methods every day. Suck on that you Damn polluting Earth Haters.

10. Fiscal Space Finders: Special Tasks Forces into Alleviating the Pressure of Government cutting non essential programs like Infrastructure development, International debt repayments and government salaries. We may also lease the parliament building to Black Water and hold all of the parliaments votes via video conference or at the local sports club....pity no women allowed.  

11. Food & Health Functions: Visits to all restaurants to be used for reviewing their health and safety standards, primarily 5 star establishments will be targeted....Food and Beverages will be free. However we humbly request BYOB, Bring your own Black Water; Booze and Bimbos are Free of course.

12. Sports Corruption Management: All sporting Athletes are to be audited for corruption, if found corrupt, they must pay taxes as well as undergo a a tax penalty. No retribution for actually match fixing as that would our national sentiment, in fact all the proceeds will be wired to Swiss bank accounts for discretionary spending on the Ministry's activities.

13. Polling Data Management: Crucial Survey's into whether or not the government of Pakistan ought to pay it's bills to the imperial dictators. After all, it's not our fault that the last 60 years of governments made the country into a mess. We ask the people, we pretend we know what they are saying, and do whatever we like. What up Democracy!

14. Foreign Policy Input: Take care of particularly unsavory diplomatic meetings with opponents like India, the Taliban and the USA with saying 'I can't hear over the sound of how awesome I am'. Much Success. We will send them Gold Plated Cats just to prove how cool we are.

15. Government of the People....Seriously: Send the common man to talk shows and do nothing but curse at the media. Reward them with key position in the foreign diplomatic corps....Go Luxembourg & Haiti.

16. Social Welfare Initiatives: Pass laws on spitting pan but tax rebates on those who can spit further than ten meters. Then make them practice with gasoline....Army militia can be supplemented.

17. Author Laws Banning Tight Fitting Jeans...yet leave a loophole for skirts (For both men and women). The Ministry will Hire English Majors from super liberal American Universities to do so.

18. Strictest Allocation of Resources: Strict checks & balances on Perks and Protocols will be established, no more than 50% of Pakistan''s armed forces (or Budget) can be used for parliament and govt. protection. The other 50% are to invade the Middle East....what? everybody is doing it...we have NUKES biatch!...did we mention how awesome we are that we can't hear you?

19. Women are Banned from Smoking....Period. From hence forth, their only methods of smoking will be by inhaling smoke via kissing men who are more than happy to do so out of the generosity of their hearts.... Everyone wins. We expect as a side effect youth marriages to increase exponentially and the birth defect rate to drop significantly. A married society is a happy society.

20. Bra On? The Bra Ministry will make on the spot checks to ensure all women (between the ages of 16-35) are wearing govt. approved Bra's. It must provide adequate support and enhance cleavage.

The Big Idea:

By having this Serious yet utterly Facetious Ministry perhaps the other branches of government can actually do their jobs rather than involve themselves with non-issues and idiotic legislation.  Then again, they are so awesome they can't hear the People...My Bad.


Amna K said...

Did I ever mention how 'AWESOME' you are. Fullstop.

The AUNTY Ministry and now the BRA Ministry!! *sigh* The way this brain works...


Anonymous said...

I am now officially worried. You didn't put a foot wrong in this post. So am I starting to think like you, or are you starting to think like me? I've discounted the latter because you couldn't possibly know how I think, so it must be that I'm starting to think like you. Help! I want my shrink! It was bad enough when I was thinking like me - how much worse am I going to be now that I'm thinking like you. Has anybody got a gun? :-(

Amna K said...

Mr. Alec, I would say you have started to think like Murtaza. He possesses the craft of playing with people's minds and then making them work according to his own. You will certainly not get worse but you'll feel much better! :-)

Sonia said...

I was expecting something erotic when I read the title.

What will happen to non-smokers? Do you want them die virgin?

Re: 20
I think women over 35 are more in need of good quality govt. approved bras to have adequate support and enhanced cleavage.

Anonymous said...

Wrong, Amna, so so wrong! I think Murtaza is teasing us with this evidence that he has liberal instincts. Confusion will reign. The illiberal right will explode with fury, and the liberal left, suspecting a trick, will not believe it, telling their most eminent academics to study the texts to find the catch. We will all run round like headless chickens, the verities of our world shaken to their foundations. The shout will go up 'who is the real Murtaza?' 'Where is the real Murtaza?' 'Did he ever exist?' And nobody will know what to believe ever again.

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna: My name is Murtaza and I am Awesome. Everyone's minds are putty in my hands...just kidding.

@ Sonia: Non-Smokers will snag themselves men as soon as possible because they are already uncool by not smoking in the first place...peer pressure. Women don't like being the old maid in their group of friends.

Women are remarkably age conscious they are unlikely to admit they are over the age of 30. SO everyone is covered. Wizened grandmothers will swear they are not more than 35...who are we mere men working for the Bra Ministry to argue?

I apologize for not bringing the dirty erotic post, but then again my brain is a cesspool and you never know what may emerge.

@Alec: We all have both liberal and conservative instincts and both can be extremely satirical and facetious. I can't really label myself, because I am unique. Btw, did I mention that I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am?

Amna K said...

Yeah, maybe I am wrong, Alec. But the real Murtaza does exist. Satire may put a shadow on him but it will not prevent us from interpreting his mind. (Personally, I am obsessed with his 'awesomeness.') Now, You might think I need to join you in looking for that gun!! (hahaha)

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna: Such Lies!!! What is real? My mind is open to interpretation, much like a Mars bar, Awesome or Super Awesome?

If you two manage to locate that fire arm, I hope for both your sakes that you can't find the safety lock.

Amna K said...

Murtaza, (ahahah), I am speaking here for you! NOT lying. Alec thinks the satirical methods employed in your writings is hiding the real you. I am saying it isn't and the real you is right there! The mind is open for interpretation but it's not that easy as swallowing down a Mars Bar. (gosh, that was a compliment again!)

Alpha Za said...

@ Amna: Pity, how nice would life be if everyone's mind was as wonderful as a Mars bar....damn, I'm hungry now.