Wednesday, September 8, 2010

10 Ways to Lose a Pakistani Girl

How does one get rid of a Pakistani girl? You've had your fun, the relationship has run its course, and you want to break up without being the one to do the actual breaking up. Contrary to popular beliefs it's not just picking inane fights, here are some methods that I've noticed to be particularly effective.

I call it the Muhammad Asif

1. Poor Prioritizing: Prioritize ANYTHING over her. Medical Emergencies, Family, Work and Saving Accounts are not excluded.....unless of course they are hers. Pakistani women, have some sort of skewed perception that their partners world revolves around them. Considering our nation's abysmal productivity levels, that may as well be true. Make her your temporary number 2 and she'll permanently remove you from her life with the delicacy of a kabaddi match. 

2. Feelings: Not being 'sensitive' enough to her feeling. It astounds us, how anyone can have strong feelings about Sania Mirza wearing similar clothes to's a freaking Nike shirt! What is there to feel? However, if you are interested in retaining that lady's companionship services, it is both feasible and advantageous to pretend. Otherwise, just use the words 'feelings' and 'stupid' together in as many sentences as possible. 

3.  Hobby Defamation: Contend that shopping isn't a worth while pursuit and is an utter waste of any sane persons time and money. The only thing Pakistani women are more passionate about than judging other people are their own wardrobes....which they use as a yardstick to judge other women. There is also great utility in discussing the size of her wardrobe with all of the barebacked kids in Africa and why she doesn't feel guilty. 

4. Charm School: Be rude to her friends. All the time. Girls will only date men, once their friends deem them desirable. Start referring to her friends as the Team Piglet or the Tranny Nannies, You'll be replaced rather quickly once you are not show off worthy. Also show up to group outings in a poncho.... complete with a shalwar and Bata slippers and erase the word 'sorry' from your vocabulary when you speak to her....not even if her pet passes away.    

5. Peer Comparison: Compare your girlfriend to other women in your life. About how awesome a cook your mom is, about how wonderful your old ex-girlfriends are etc. and about how all the pretty girls at the office are so efficient, yet never have a hair out of place. Notice other women; If you really want to irritate her, tell all of her friends how chikni they look and how she looks 'sahee'....and look dead serious.

6. Call her all the time and ask stupid questions. The dumber the better. Like that your boss used a red pen instead of the blue pen when he wrote you a note and what means....on a deep level. She'll get annoyed read fast. Note: This doesn't work if she likes answering dumb questions too. If you really want to annoy her, as he about her favorite insect, rock, hair band etc or just about any arcane topic she, in all likely hood, knows nothing cricket. 

7. Time Allocation: Not being up for a 'chitty chat' at 3 in the morning, after all what loser is in bed by then. Apparently, only the worthy are cognitively functional at a drops notice, even when sleep deprived. No man knows why you have the urge to talk to us at 3 Am. When a Pakistani girl want's to talk to you, you'd better get up and talk....and pretend to care what she's talking about. If you don't then go into a tirade about you favorite sports team, eventually she'll break up or hang up on you without your noticing. 

Generation Z Way

8. Question her Goals: Ask her what she wants to do with her life, and subsequently question whether she ought to be slightly more ambitious that wanting to get married and encouraging/pressuring her guy to get a big car, a big house for the sake of his own happiness. Apparently it's taboo to ask why a girl gives up her career after she gets married....even when the couple live with the guys family....and have a legion of servants.... Bad form it is. 

9. Emit Body odors in her presence on a regular basis. Women have a unique sensitivity to their own natural odors. Men, for the most part usually can burp, fart and shoot snot balls on command. Eat lots of oily food laced liberally with garlic and drink tonnes of fizzy drinks and you should be able have the wonderful lady in question break up with you.

10. Cheat on her: Proven to be the most effective. The closer the friend you cheat with, the higher the probability that she will break up with you. However, if she doesn't, take some respite in the fact that'll she'll do anything to keep you. You are a prize.

If all else fails. Deny Her Existence and of Any Relationship that might make your Mummy Mad.


Maryam said...

Hahahaha! God! You've hit everything right on the mark =P
p.s. I love the dear janet pic. Hilarious =P

Alpha Za said...

@ Mia: Haha, thanks, glad you enjoyed it.

I think the Dear Janet letter is totally worth a shot ;)

Sujay said...

Easier to get rid of a wife - Talaq, talaq, talaq. End of Story.

Alpha Za said...

@ Sujay: Yes it is. Or you can just keep marrying another one till you find one you like.

Ghausia said...

I kind of feel bad that I can't be offended at all this, but dude you are so right. And shopping is an art form okay, I mean, we can't just go and pick up any clunky thing in black or brown like you guys, we have tons of shops to choose from then the length of heels, if we should get heels or flats, open-toed or closed, strappies or slippers, and so on. And for God's sake, of all the things you could've worn, BATA?! Really?

Okay I'm done. This was awesome and made me laugh for a long, long time.

Sidrah said...

Now ain't that cruel Oo

Your poor ex gfs.

Good funny post btw!

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Thanks for the comment, glad that my pearls of acidic wisdom are connecting.

So the solution is to have fewer shops then....I bet that can be arranged!

Whats wrong with bata?

@ Sidrah: haha, thanks for the comment. I would argue that all of my ex-gf's were lucky.... However, that point may be debatable....

Ghausia said...

Fewer shops? Gasp! We won't have any variety left then! THE HORROR!

Bata's okay if you're a loser. All the cool people shop at Zamzama don't you know lol. But seriously, Bata is okay for school shoes. EBH has better shoes for guys and girls both. Although nothing compares to Vincci in terms of shoes for girls. I'll shut up now and stop boring you. :P

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: You'll have an equal amount of variety as men!!! THE HORROR Indeed!

Haha, I actually don't shop that much any more unless it's for formal wear, then it's Cotton & Cotton + Chester Bernard + Ambassadors all the way!

I think I have a pair of Hushpuppies sandals.....

Ghausia said...

We'll be like boys! THE HORROR!

Oh Hushpuppies is fine, they have some good stuff. I feel bad for all mankind. Such sad lives your species lead! We have our makeup, our accessories, our hair, our outfits, our bags. What does your lot have? Nothing. You poor things. Plus, you're mostly stinky and disgusting lol.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I see a win win situation here. Equality Even!

haha, harsh much? We have our toys (lots of toys actually), freedom (until we're married) and non existent biological clock (Thank you God); Trust Me, We're Fine.

Oddly enough, all of those things you described are used to attract men! So we can't be that bad....or smelly!

It's actually pretty awesome being a guy as compared to a woman!

Ghausia said...

They are not used to attract men! They're for us cause they make us feel pretty and superior to stinky men lol. If men like it, that's just a plus point for us, we do it cause we enjoy all that stuff. Although considering how metrosexual boys are getting these days...I swear, that boy in my maths class got his eyebrows made.

I shall read all your posts later when its not 4am. Also, I was just looking at my soon-to-be bhabi's Facebook, you're on it! Or at least someone who has the same name and same picture as the one on your ET profile. Small world after all.

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Nay, that's just a myth we propagated to keep your lot looking pretty (we know how you hate to be controlled).

Perhaps that lad needed better eyebrows.

wow, small world indeed, who is the Bhabi?

Ghausia said...

haha so you're saying that myth got to women so much that now its ingrained within us and we think WE came up with it? Ohh, classic male tactic, impressive.

Well his eyebrows are bushy...but how do you explain the waxed chest? The boys say he got it done. I don't want to know how the boys know that. Uni man, you learn something weird every day.

The bhabi's name is Sana, she studied at IBA. I had a total fangirl moment when I saw you there lol but I promised myself I wouldn't embarrass myself over it in front of bhabi. Look, normal girls fangirl over hot actors, I fangirl over my favorite writers/bloggers.

Maryam said...

Haha you are so mean! Sadly, its all true. We are that way. But not all of us =P

Ha, I like this. Even though I was part *shaking my head noooooooo* and part *nodding and saying yes*.


Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: Damn Straight. Yes, we are that impressive.

Waxed Chest; it was definitely a dare or a metro misadventure of the highest order (he probably watched too many backstreet boy videos). If all else fails, check his blood for alcohol content.

I know Sana, we went to Grammar together.

aw, thank you for inducting me into your Hall of favorite Writer/Bloggers; Is there a fan page? I'm honored (I'm faking the modesty as best I can).

@ Maryam: Haha, thanks for commenting, glad you enjoyed the post. Highly reflective of your astoundingly good taste.

The Truth Will Indeed Set You Free....and possibly send me to Hell.

Ghausia said...

I could always just ask him if he does, but the boys already think I'm weird as it is. And trust me, its not a one-time thing. Creeepy.

Oh there's no fanpage. Plus you don't blog as often as I like so you're not very high up on that list, but you're still there. I find you amusing.

majworld said...

LOL :D..nice points that every man should know :p

Alpha Za said...

@ Ghausia: I suppose evolution missed out a few.

If they think you're already weird, you have nothing to lose (and alot of amusement, insight and knowledge to gain).

I'd blog more if I didn't have this thing called a job. Then again, I doubt I'd blog for stress relief if I didn't work the hours that I do.

@ majworld: Knowledge is Power!

Alpha Za said...

@ Roshni: Aw thanks, glad you enjoyed it. If they actually got together it would have been awesome. They'd be our Heidi and Spencer Desi Shit Show. Legendary.

Unknown said...

My god...I hated this post wondreing what if my bf does al this to me.
men are mean,,

Alpha Za said...

@ Bebo: Thanks for the comment, as for your predicament I suggest you either domesticate your bf or use the knowledge gained to your own advantage.

Besides, Even though men are mean, C'mon, I'm sure the bf wouldn't even think about doing any of these.

Ammar Shah said...

haha...up to the mark observation bro. enjoyed n agreed :)