For Women: How To Get A Guy

Why I Wrote This:

I feel as though I do go on a lot about the distinction between men and women, and that I ought to do something 'constructive', perhaps have some lessons on how a girl can get a guy, and perhaps some insight how to keep him, manage him well enough that he'll keep being a man, rather than just half of a couple.

Oh, and someone asked me to. Plain, flat and fucking simple.

1. Learn to Cook Food That WE like: Men Like Food. It's be socialized deep into our core. It's very simple why, when we are having a bad day, our mothers gave us awesome food. When we celebrate an achievement or a milestone, we don't go out shopping. We go out to dinner. We also have specific tastes, Some guys hate Alfredo sauce (it looks like sperm), so no matter how amazing your Alfredo Pasta is, don't make us eat it.

We will just to please you, after all it's the decent thing to do, but we will hate it and will envision a life full of Alfredo pasta. Men like Pizza, Lasagne, Nihari, Biryani, etc. We don't expect Top Chef, but comforting tasty dishes go a long way. Women exercise so they can lose weight, men exercise so we can continue eating like teenagers. If we lose weight in the process, High Five.

2. Enumerate our Awesomeness: Tell your target that he's awesome, we like being told how awesome we are. Be as descriptive as possible, if you find the odd metro-sexual man who actually gets his eye brows done, work that in somewhere. Comparing us to famous good looking bad ass actors works well; Robert Downing Jr = Thumbs Up. Effeminate weird chaps like Zac Effron and Hugh Grant = Thumbs the HELL down.

If you tell us that we are awesome and good looking, we are unlikely to disagree with you (it's ungentlemanly) and will definitely believe that you possess sterling taste. Just because we pretend we don't believe you or don't want to hear it, doesn't mean that we don't like hearing about it as much as a superficial teenage girl. It's hard to go overboard, but one should remember that if you are looking to date a guy, he wants a partner, not a groupie.

3. Share our Interests but Within Reason: Men like girls who like doing things outside of restaurants and shopping malls. If a guy likes going bowling or sailing, develop an interest. In that vein we think it's cool for you to know something about our chosen passionate sport, but it's quite another to provide factual reasoning why our chosen team is overrated/sucks/Pathetic.

 And for the love of all that is pure, beautiful and bound to reproduce at some point, DONOT SUPPORT ANOTHER TEAM. Ignorance we can take, but odds are we've been following our teams a lot longer than you've been following us.

NOTE: Most men are Supporters; They'll stick with their team through thick and thin as opposed to Fan; The fair weather bandwagon Supporters. Here is the difference; A Football fan can list most of the starting eleven, a supporter can list the entire first team squad, reserve team and injury status of all the returning players. If a man is a supporter, don't mess he will not forgive you. If he's a fan, he will eventually forgive you for any affront.

4. Respect our Space: Do not intrude on our personal space unless we invite you. Think in terms of Man Zones. Our desk (work or otherwise) is a complete man zone, we don't want cute pictures of crap or adorable decorations...it's our space.  There is a reason why golf courses were men only for a long time....then Tiger Woods came along and messed everything up. Tiger and his tea break hussies.hmmph

5. Boy's Night: It is Holy; Do not plan dates on our boys nights....Never Ever....EVER. God Asked Us To Pray 5 Times A Day, so the boys could hangout at the mosque and catch up that often. Women are not allowed in the mosque or on Boys night. Please don't butt in, because even if we don't want you to come, we'll let you. But we will resent you for it. We need to replenishment our testosterone and doing disgusting manly things like compare fart noises.

6. Win the Wolf Packs Approval: Now very simply put, very few guys date girls that their friends collectively hate or think is ugly. Until wearing masks become acceptable, your best shot of getting a guys crew to like you (and protect him from incessant 'I can't believe you'd even consider going out with her') is to make them like you. It's very easy. Feed Them and tell them all how they are awesome.

Pretend to care what we are talking about. It works both ways, guys will pretend to care about how your nails aren't perfectly manicured, but we really appreciate it if you could return the favor. Unlike women, men are also more gullible so we will actually believe you.

7. You are a Girl, Dress like it, and Dress Well: Men do not like dating tomboy sloppy girls. Our perception of women is lady like wannabe models, while women expect guys to dress like slobs (even though we don't).

Remember, Men don't always go out with the hottest girl available, push comes prefer girls who take pride in the way they look, no matter what their chosen style is, whether it's tank tops, Shalwar Kameezes, Hijab's or even Socialite Runway Model stuff. The better you dress the more likely a guy is going to notice you and be attracted to you. Dudes don't want to bring home the sloppiest dressed girl available unless they are trying to pick a fight with their parents or if she's pregnant....Parent's just pray it's the former.

8. We Believe In Timing: Women like jumping from step to step, like clock work. A guy is not going to be comfortable discussing the name of his first child a week (or first few months) into a relationship. It freaks us out and makes us think that you only want to be with us so you can get married before you become too old and wrinkly (btw, we don't notice those first creases on your face that you fret about, we still see the pretty damn hot girl).

It's not our fault that families expect their daughter to wed by their middish twenties. We are men, we have no biological tick tock. When we are ready for the next step (assuming there ought to be one), we'll do it when the time is right, don't pressure us unless you want us to run the other way towards something of a younger vintage. When we want to go out with you, we'll ask you.

9. Deciphering the Man: The most efficient way to get to know a particular guy, is to see how he interacts with his mother or what he says about her as he regales you about his personal life. Men are taught to interact with the opposite sex through their family, if his mom is domineering sort with him, you have a good shot at controlling him too. It's his comfort zone after all. Mimic the Mom and You have your strategy. I'd also like to add that if the guy is a douchebag with his mother, then you should really move on, because that's precisely how he will treat you, despite any initial lovey doveyness. Think of it as an aborted attempt at change after we've already gotten the girl.

10. Smile at Us: Men are suckers for a nice smile, the genuine naturally sweet smile that all girls have within them. As opposed to the superficial camera perfect smile that's constructed primarily for societies cultural manner obsession. Seduce us, we'll sort the rest out later once our wallets are empty.

PS: There are exceptions to all of these rules, but they by and large they work.

The Big Idea: 

Men pursue women, women pursue men, both should have the tools of how to attract each other and in fact result in a meaningful relationship. Women by in large don't understand men, they don't realize that men try to appear just plain better than we actually are, and that women do the same. If you like a guy, I recommend figuring out why and what you are willing to do to ensnare him. As far as men are concerned, if we truly like a girl, we'll move mountains stone by stone...which is why we like explosives and things that go boom!

If you have many failed relationships, don't worry, practice makes perfect.....I think.

A version of this article appeared in Dawn's Sunday Review.

Politics, Parenting or Pandering?

Society's pandering and preaching complicates any healthy degree of interaction between the sexes. Then again, I'm sure that's what parents (of women in particular) are heavily in favor off. But there are already enough impediments without the government wanting a piece of the action.

The Family Impediments: Let’s meet Mom & Dad; Chance of success of meeting their Daughters with their approval; Nil. Chance of Girl Meeting their Son; 50%

The Dad Issue: It's tough for a guy to get to know a girl in a healthy manner, and Fathers in particular, prefer it that way. As far Dads are concerned, the only boys their daughters ought to speak with are ones that doesn't exist. The 'Beti, Get yourself an imaginary friend' syndrome if you will. But, if a father see's his virile son 'hanging out' with girls, it's a sign of how masculine his son is and that its time to hand out Cigars and buy the boy his first Kalashnikov.

Mom Protection Agency: Moms are terrific, but let no one be fooled, these women are hell bent on protecting their daughters’ perceived ‘piety’, even if it means hiring their girls a personalized Black Water security detail. Instructions are simple, 'If you see a larka talk to her, shoot him'. On the flip side, if a mother sees her sons associating with the opposite sex, they immediately assume that the girl is trying to ‘trap’ him. What a world we live in.

There is some perception, that guys will pursue anything in a skirt, well that may be true, but girls in Pakistan don't wear skirts…in public, so parents don't need to worry.

Now, the government, in all of its boredom has decided to prioritize the moral protection of the youth. Apparently boys and girls talking via text and phone calls at night has become a national concern. So the Punjabi Assembly passed a resolution demanding that mobile companies stop promoting ‘cheap rate, late night packages that alter societal tendencies’ and simply ban them. Luckily for us, they haven’t yet discovered of ‘Instant Messenger’ or the ‘Internet’.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but cheap mobile packages don't corrupt the youth, society corrupts the youth. The last generation grew up without cell phones, internet, cable television and Gossip Girl, and they've hardly turned out as bastions of virtue.

The Youth’s desire for a healthy communicative relationship doesn't evaporate because it gets a few bucks more expensive. They invest in relationships like the army invests in defense; often and expensively.

I can fume, I can cry or I can ridicule.

I’ve decided to go with ridicule.

So let’s help our virtuous virtuouso government out. What other inane acts of grand standing can they do to prevent the altering of societal tendencies in today’s youth?

They can start with the establishment of the Aunties United in Napalming & Tormenting the Youth Ministry; The AUNTY Ministry, will be responsible for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice amongst the youth; They are committed to preventing vice by minimizing any interaction between boys and girls, they will promote virtue by…well, thats in next year's budget.

Their first act will be to recruit Aunty Disco Project to play at their launch ceremony and roll out their agenda.

1. Shopping Malls Law: Women will only be allowed to visit shopping areas for certain hours of the day. The Aunty Ministry can liberally whip (yes they will be issued made in china whips) the predominantly male shop owners at will...how they dare look at their customers during a good price haggling. Men are recommended to discover or launch a Pakistani version of E-Bay.

2. Face to Face Interactions Initiative: The solution is very simple; Don't let women leave their homes....ever, female parliamentarians can put a webcam up in the parliament and vote via G-Chat. In fact, the Aunty ministry will combine this in their recommendation for a massive expansion of online colleges and classes. How dare those boys be in a situation where they might even smell a girl !?!

3. Messenger & Email Laws: The Aunty Ministry will launch a multi-billion dollar initiative to destroy all Pakistani chat rooms and install state of the art spam blockers on individual accounts that prevent any online interaction…. I hate to break it to the Aunty Ministry, but we’re the ones who will be writing the programs for these firewalls, and odds are pretty good that we’ll find a way around them…just to prove that we can.

4. Gaming Zones Restrictions: Currently, these are man havens. Girls don't play video games, however in anticipation of the Mehndi version of Dance Dance Revolution & Rock Band, the Aunty Ministry recommends a ban for all women. Oddly, enough this will be the one proclamation that neither sex will be too bothered with. Win?

5. Restaurants Regulations: Close down all 'family' sections of restaurants, and keep video cameras that relay the footage on the web and allow parents (and the Aunty ministry) to track these scandalous couples, and appropriately punish them by lamenting how they shamed their last 29 generations. I always enjoy a good show with my dinner.

6. Education Policy: All institutions are to be single sex. Keep anything with a reasonable level of testosterone from entering girl’s schools (women won’t be entering all guy institutions), this would uplift female employment and reduce the number of dogs roaming around the premises. Men are recommended to actually attend school. (Note: The hair and makeup industry might go bankrupt).

The Big Idea:

Today’s 'youth' don't need paternalistic protectionist polices (though in our heart of hearts we are honored that our elected officials care...flattered really), however, we'd greatly appreciate it if they could focus their energies on prevalent issues like load shedding, unemployment, food prices etc.... that would be simply splendid of them.

Politicians are elected to govern, not to preach, particularly when their own track record sucks. Pity the youth don't vote….maybe we should?

A Pakistanily Correct Version was Reluctantly Published on Dawn.com

News Flash: Men are Not Stupid!!!

I hate to break to all the women in the world, but men are not stupid, boorish or simply clueless (well, 90% of the time). But I will say that women are highly complex creatures blessed with tremendous faculties that allow for a great deal of lateral, in depth thinking, most which men are highly unlikely to ever understand let alone appreciate. But the truth is, that Men aren't as limited as Women like to believe.

I understand it is in man kinds interest to perpetuate this myth, if for any other reason than it is highly convenient. The lower expectations are, the easier it is for guys to meet them (All in the interests of continuing the species). I also firmly believe it acts as a useful coping mechanism for women to justify a guys behavior.

Myth 1: Men Do Not Listen:

Contrary to popular belief, Men do listen, we also tend throw away bits of information that are irrelevant to our more immediate concerns and interests. It's not that we don't want to hear everything women have to say, we do, and we do try to, but after repeated inane detailed driven information overloads, our brain categorizes certain data as superfluous and deletes them.

A man may remember during his courtship that his future wife's favourite flowers are lily's, but have no clue by the eve of their first anniversary. Ever wonder why a man will never expect his partner to remember random details about his day, it's because think its irrelevant. Say what you will, but we are consistent.

Myth 2: Men are Calender Averse:

Highly untrue, ask any straight man and he can tell you the exact date and time of the next world cup final as well as the team's preseason friendly schedule. Women take severe issue with men forgetting birthdays, anniversaries etc, however, it's because women put a tremendous store of value into certain occasions.

Men don't dress up and plan their weddings as children, they may pretend that they are Sporting superstars and hence our interest in sports, but we don't have the same deep rooted appreciation for the same dates that women do.

For some guys, marriage is the day they stopped being the baller to end all ballers, and became a husband, a life partner responsible for the happiness of a union, throw in some added family pressure it's akin to waking up with a sack of bricks permanently attached to one's head. But we do it anyway. If that's not love, I dunno what is.

Myth 3: Men are Immature:

Men are not immature, we have adolescent habits that prove to be extremely confusing to women, but its because once we like something, we are pretty happy to continue doing them. No man I know who is hooked on video games or sports started playing when he was well into his 30's, once we develop an interest, we are consistent about adhering to them. One would think that women would appreciate this quality in men, however once those interests include womanizing, once can see why a gal would want a chap to change.

The root of the matter is that men suck at change, we like our youthful carefree selves and love doing the same things in our 30's that we did in our teens, it makes us feel cool. Perhaps, its sad and really does make men immature, but I took a poll and all of us agree that as long as it brings no direct harm to our partner, its totally fine. (One of my friends missed dinner with his fiance's parents because he was in the middle of his Football fantasy draft picks (he's 36 years old), in his defense, he did win).

Myth 4: Men are Terrible Communicators:

The truth is that we are very direct communicators, we don't have the desire to recount every detail of our day, we also are highly environmentally conscious and find using scare oxygen unnecessarily to be a huge environmental faux paux.

On a more serious note, men typically say what they mean and are very good at compressing tonnes of conversational material, deleting the inappropriate bits and concisely explain themselves. We say what we mean, and prefer to stick with it rather than overload others with superfluous information which doesn't directly pertain to them.

Myth 5: Men do not Feel:

This myth arises out of the difficulty some men have with emotions: in particular, talking about and sharing feelings. This is 100% down to how men are socialized, we are taught to compress our emotions and bury them under as many layers of feces as we can find. Some men choose to drown their feelings, typically in collaboration with their friends Jack, Jose and Jim (Jack Daniels, Jose Cuervo and Jim Bean).

Emotional self-expression is considered a useless trait for many men, in fact it is frowned upon; Grim and bear it, male kids are told to stop crying, girls are allowed to cope by expressing themselves, go figure. A part of being a man, is having a sense of stoic control; solely carrying the burden of responsibility no matter how heavy that may be. It's what we are taught, it's what we see and most importantly it how we function.

Just because men don't express emotions doesn't mean we don't feel. Women can enjoy figure skating competitions, yet not know how to skate. Men express their emotions through their actions; providing for their loved ones, giving that leads to concrete measurable results. We do as we feel, lip service isn't a by product we're comfortable with. So judge men by their actions, not necessarily by what they are able to say. It'll make a lot more sense.

Myth 5: Men are Insensitive to their Spouses Feelings

Men don't understand why small things have such large emotional implications on their spouses, nor do they particularly care. That's actually a lie, we do care, but after the days 12th mini crisis, we tend to avert our mind from the attention seeking behavior and devoting less emotional miles. We don't intend on becoming completely disconnected from our partners, but we put things in a simpler perspective.

It's not the end of the world if the neighbors bought the same car that you wanted in the first place, it doesn't change your attitude to that car. If you wanted it because it's a great car, what has materially changed? In fact, you'll have someone to compare notes with in case that car gives you trouble (If you don't like your neighbors, you can always crack their hood open and snatch a few spare parts).

Myth 6: Men are Controlling and Want Controllable Women:

Women feel that men have the inherent desire to be the alpha male and control their partners; hence desire a passive mate that may not be their intellectual equal. Men don't want a partner that will always say yes or are completely under their control. It's not exciting, or what a normal guy would sign up for but on the other hand, men don't want a lass who would rather be their mother than their partner. There is a balance.

Some guys are genuinely controlling, and a girl ought to know that if he was controlling before they get together, odds are that he'll be controlling well after. To each their own.

As a general rule, Men do want a measure of control, particularly in matters that pertain to both partners, but if its something guys are not good at, we strive to pretend to know what we're doing because the truth is, that we're always trying to be better than we actually are for the women in our lives. If we are controlling, its more paternalistic than alpha male. There is a widespread view, that after marriage, the responsibility for a girl shifts from her father to her husband. This is powerful motivation to maintain control and the truth is we're scared shit less of messing up (hence why when things go bad, we just marry another chick till we get it right, Yay 4 wives rule).

Myth 7: Men Care only about Sex:

Unfortunately, the mentality that emotional vulnerability equals weakness is alive and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and emotionally impotent.

Myth 8: Men Prefer Hanging with the Boys:

You'd be hard pressed to find a girl who doesn't have that complaint, particularly some time into a relationship. Relationships are a crap shoot, however the one constant besides family is the guys buddies. They are tried and tested, and are the safest place for a man to unwind, talk non-sense and act like he did in his previous decade. Even post marriage, men value those relationships.

Especially as they are typically longer than the duration of the relationship. It's also important to get good man bonding time, the more we get, the less irritable we are. Now the reason why guys do sometimes prefer hanging with the boys is that we take our bonds of brother hood very seriously, we have things to talk about that girls just wouldn't want to talk about (Sports, new gadgets, cars etc). End of the day, you barely get to see your guy friends once you've been lampooned by Cupids arrow. Sometimes you need to take time of for the boys.

Myth 9: Men are Romance Clueless;

The truth is that men are more romantic than woman. Men fall in love faster (they also usually take longer to admit it), but that's to some supremely gifted genetic wiring are able to move on quicker after a breakup (Goodbye bitch, Hello girl of My Dreams!). When a man meets a woman who has a lot of qualities they like, we stop taking in new information,as far as we are concerned, we've processed the necessary information.

Which makes it harder for guys to clearly see the things that they wouldn't like about her. Put it down to short attention span, or simply the desire to make a decision and get it over with, once the basics are set, we don't sweat the small (and sometimes not so small) stuff.

Myth 10: Men are Pigs:

Men are not pigs, or see women simply as objects of visual/physical pleasure. The truth is that we are wired to appreciate attractive women, much the same way a girl is wired to try to look desirable to attract a potential mate. When it comes to women, this is easily done with progressively fewer and more shapely articles of clothing, and results in a wide appeal to a man's more carnal desires.

However, just because our eyes are drawn, doesn't mean we are actively going to cheat. In baseball terms, as much as I'd like to draft Alex Rodriguez, I wouldn't because for one, it could be an expensive proposition, secondly, I'm happy with my current roster and thirdly, I think the idea would be ruined by the reality of actually having A-Rod on that company's books.

The Big Idea

Women live with in some magical dream world that you have to love everything about your mate. When there are certain habits that they don't appreciate, they add to the store of myths that women kind perpetuates. It's unhealthy and causes alot of heart ache. Chill outLadies, we Certainly do.

The cliche that you love people for their imperfections has a grain of truth to it, but it's realization that you enjoy spending time with that persons regardless of the unforseen imperfections There’s no formula for appreciating everything about someone regardless of how much we choose to love them. Everyone has their own unique and annoying little habits that we cannot totally ignore.

A man's bad habits shouldn't ruin the essence of your relationship with them. Is a guy that much worse a partner for leaving the toilet seat up? Focusing on trivial issues rather than the core of your partner could lead to constant and unnecessary worry about your compatibility. It goes without saying that you love your partner because of special qualities or characteristics that tugged at your heartstrings from the very first time. Ideally, loving every last thing about your man or woman is simply unrealistic and impossible, but as long as we continue to try to understand each other, we'll always be trying.

A version of this post has been published on dawn.com

Ladies, please stop trying to change your men...

I am sick & tired of hearing women complaints from my male friends in relationships. So hear me now, and hear me clear women of the world!

"Women, please stop trying to change your men" (I said men partly in case you are currently juggling multiple relationships (respect & what up high five!)).

You find it exhausting, we find it exhausting. So lets find a way to deal... make a deal even.

We can either option 1. communicate more or option 2. just ignore the differences and have a dandy old time and let the relationship runs it course....(subject to life expectancy and pregnancies)

All those who vote to "communicate more" please give your selves a hand of applause and then promptly use that same hand to slap yourself. Because communication between a man and a woman is hard to the point of insanity. Women think with more complexity than a man ever will.

All those who voted for Option two, pat yourselves in the back and realize that your significant other in all likelyhood hates you part of the time. Big deal. Nothing and Nobody's perfect (Except the big guy; he put us all in a perfectly concocted mess to test us....and have fun watching us squirm).

Ever wonder why they say behind every great man stands a woman? Its because every great man realized early on that the best way to avoid that woman was to work longer hours and be subsequently be home less.

Women are masters of subtle communication, there are more avenues that women use to communicate on that they probably don't even realize.
Men, on the other hand, like things in power point form with short attractive looking bullets. It is an insurmountable chasm that can only be bridged if both sides appreciate the difficulty of that problem.

By communicating, one prevalent theme emerges. Men don't like to change and women like change...in fact they like changing. Put it down to the Male species' adolescent appreciation of sports or having the same mindset and hobbies as from their teens; the male species doesn't like to innovate from within. Yes men have the ability to pretend to care and adjust their habits slightly by lying to their partners ('Honey, that salad you sent me for lunch was delicious, I can't wait to try the cauliflower soup tomorrow").

Women may be devious, but Men will Lie outright to avoid conflict with their Partners. (See Happily Married men blogs for details)

Hence, the dilemma, Women don't just like or appreciate change, want to be the catalyst of change in their man's life (for case studies please examine the evolving habits of whipped men everywhere). I'm not sure if its genetic and to be fair, women have to worry more about things earlier in life like settling down, having kids, having enough money to take care of kids, saving enough money for kids college, than your average male does. Essentially, we can reproduce till the day we die. Boo Yeah Father Time.

Personally, I've always found it odd how women want to change the guys they date, I mean, those poor lads were good enough for them to date in the first place, so now whats the problem? Obviously there can't possibly be so many things wrong with the man in question that act as causes for break-ups.....such is the mystery of womenfolk.

So here is what I've learnt from other people (the source of these will anonymous till my death bed or until his girlfriend beats it out of me)

Life of a couple; There are always going to be things about both people that the other wants to change, its all in how the person goes about achieving (or attempting) that change. It is a process. With woman the stereotype is more superficial in nature, like clothing, or furniture (easy enough, once it gone... its gone and men typically don't like shopping adventures) but can also be habits (which are much harder to change...on average 30 days and the source of constant nagging). As for Men, I personally think we just want women to nag less and keep your end of anything we've decided on doing.

Changing attributes in partners doesn't work unless its something that can suit both people (give & take if you will). Even then, one doesn't want to give control to the other person, which is the real flaw in communication. When a man's female partner decides to tell him exactly what she wants him to do, he'll do the opposite or at least subconsciously undermine her desires. This may lead to pretending to act in an acceptable manner, which the man will resent. Delicate exhaustive communication is required for any progress.

Eventually, after undergoing much resentment, both partners just become more understanding of each others quirks or learn to ignore things that bug them or pretend its a deficiency that is actually cute and endearing about the other.

"Oh that Ali, he still rolls his socks up into little balls and attempts free throws into the laundry basket just like when we first met, its so endearing and probably why I still love him."

Ladies, stick with option 2, life is short, you never know how long you can drag it out, hell it could even be a lifetime but do us a favor, appreciate men for what we are and love us and support us despite our frustrating limitations, we've inherently already promised to do the same. In our heart of hearts we truly want our relationships to last the race, but we don't like changing what we are to get there.

Just in case Option 1 is undertaken:
In support of Bro's everywhere I am launching
"Bro's having change issues with their Significant others Anonymous".
or BS Anonymous
The meetings will entail:
Poker Wars: We will indulge in poker (and improve members ability to bluff/lie)
Board games: Risk & Monopoly (improve their negotiation skills)
Sports hour: (discuss sports at length be used as fodder to annoy their nagging partners)
Feelings minute: Quick fire ideas how to avoid them and preferably effective means to drown them.
Nap Time: Who doesn't love a good nap without dreading their partners coming to the room to wake them to do chores.

The title is intentional, any gay members are welcome to join as their insight will be useful in subtle communications classes (until such members appear we will be practicing for the Shrugging Shoulders and burping Olympics).
Note: Any Spies found will be killed via an IV drip of grease from McDonalds. Don't mess with us. Seriously.

Member fees are nominal. All proceeds will go to charity; be used to fund future Bachelor parties...preferably in different zip codes where relationship rules will not apply and the only change is in Poker Chips.