Thursday, February 11, 2010

End of the World: FINAL 3

Imagine if Armageddon happened tomorrow, okay, maybe you don't think it's possible, so I'll tell you how it can conceivably occur. 

An armoured tank division from India gets lost and slips into Pakistan, fearing the worst Pakistan launches nuclear strikes (we also nuke Bangladesh for good measure; 1971 retribution), In retaliation India launches their Nukes at Pakistan. Iran launches their Nukes at Israel (Jews are obviously behind everything...duh). Israel launches their Nukes at the entire Arab world. Russia and China Launch their Nukes, America Launches their nukes (Obama decides he needs to look tough in the eyes of the world and nukes redneck country) and finally the Europeans finish gobbling down their freaking Danish and get in on the action. 

North Korea attempts to launch their Nukes, but they blow up in their silos. All remaining countries who may conceivably have nukes (Venezuela, Brazil, Nigeria, South Africa etc) launch them too (Contrary to popular belief, no terrorist organization has any). Eventually, the radiation and nuclear fall out is so catastrophic that the world in a adolescent boy style state of heat. The countries not completely nuked out of existence would have mushroom cloud cover, extinguishing all life (take that Australia)  

So, now that I've made my point. Who is left. Well, obviously no ordinary human could withstand this destruction. 

The question is that who could possibly survive this immense destruction? 
God, Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris

Jack Bauer because he is in CTU and has taken special drugs to withstand all manner of destruction. We are pretty certain he's not human. He does more in a day by himself than most countries. 

Chuck Norris, because he was taking a nap on Venus, because that was the only place whose women he hadn't shagged....he was in the process of pulling Venus apart rock by rock when the attack happened. (He already tore Mars apart because of his Daddy issues). 

God is God. I'm trying to be on his good side lately. 

What would they do? 

Trash Talk; God about making the world in 7 days, Bauer talking about saving the world in 24 hours and Chuck Norris for round house kicking the devil, and still having the Devils tooth lodged in his gleaning boot. God pokes fun at Jack Bauer for saving the world from a nuclear blast...oh wait he didn't...wuss. 

Get Man Tans: Ohk, God doesn't need a tan, but since he is everywhere, he'll like the heat wave. When Chuck Norris removes his shirt, several nukes will explode off the coast of Japan, because he's so powerful. Jack Bauer will show off his bad ass scars, and when he tans, you'll see that the scars are all strategically planned to say "I banged your wife before coming here' across his chest. There is also a scar that resembles a teddy bear fused with a shark. 

Go Hunting: Who can kill the most roaches by just farting. Chuck Norris is ahead due to his love of Beans, whilst Salad loving Jack whimpers and kills only a pathetic 2.5 million rodent sized roaches. However, God gets pissed when he realizes that's the cockroaches are his only remaining creatures. 

Fight Off: God plays mediator as Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris fight to prove who the toughest is. They started fighting on Tuesday, and haven't stopped yet. Chuck was particularly pissed that after administering a gargantuan array of round house kicks, that Jack, climbed into Chuck's Ass and started beating him in their. Chuck subsequently round house kicks himself in the ass, and now his boot is stuck inside Jack Bauer's anus. Needless to say, they are both very butt sore. God finds it really funny and has decided to call the move the BauChuck pounding manoeuvre.

Target Practice: Both Jack and Chuck swallow a bunch of bullets and start shooting at Mt. Rushmore from Michigan to see who can best make Washington look like. No guns are left in the world, so the shots are fired from their only remaining weaponry....
God keeps score and occasionally makes George Washington look like Obama to mess with Jack and Chuck.

Smoke Off: Find any and all remaining carcasses (Human, Scorpion and otherwise), roll them into big blunts, and smoke them. Whilst reminiscenting about the good old days where they had fresh uranium omelets for breakfast, watered down with a cool glass of Piranha sewage water....with live Piranha still in them. 

Play Checkers: Because all the pieces have been incinerated, they use asteroids instead. God always wins....duh. So Chuck and Jack go back to fighting. For extra fun, they even take rides through black holes. 

Talk about Babes: Nothing says masculinity than recounting how many dames a guy has shagged. However, because of the awesome virility if the survivors, they recount the hot girls they hadn't shagged and never got to. 
Jack: 'Bro, that girl was going to be hot, she'll be 18 next week'
Chuck: 'Man, I follow tribal law, all they have to do is hit puberty, nice job God'
God: 'You know it, I kept telling Jesus that women are wonderful cretins, I meant creatures, but he kept putting it off; Ha, I sure taught him.'
Jack: That's cruel....yet not unsurprising.
God: I'm just messing around, though there is something to be said about Tough love, totally worked in you know how many wives he got?!
Chuck: Word...though I would have just round house kicked his ass. 



Anonymous said...

I do like tghis blog. It has a sort of zany impetus that doesn't seem quite human. Where is this planet you inhabit my lovely Murtaza. I promise myself a visit one day.

Anonymous said...


Alpha Za said...

Hey Alec, I really appreciate that you enjoy the blog, check out my older posts, most of them are actually more entertaining.

The truth is that we all live in our own world, I just have alot more caricature in mine. Think of it aa a circuitry fault that Toyata missed.

Anonymous said...

It turns out there are lots of circuitry faults that Toyota missed so I've got quite a choice! I have checked out some of your older posts and they are entertaining and sometimes fierce! I like Yo Mista and many more. I'll just keep reading Alpha Za. I hope you keep writing ...

Alpha Za said...

Fair enough, lets just say that the steering wheel controls the wipers.

Always nice to have a fan. Thank you & Keep commenting man.

PS: how the hell did a boy from the UK find this blog? (I have zero advertising expenses).

Anonymous said...

Hmmm! Steering wheel and wipers! Sounds like a recipe for a crash. Do lean out the window sometimes just to check on your surroundings. I found you because I was zipping through blogs with similar interests to mine. Was it men? Politics? Just can't remember. Happy accident perhaps! Love