Tuesday, February 2, 2010

How to Treat a Lady... (Part I)

I was recently solicited for advice on how to treat a lady, I obviously pleaded my ignorance in all things women, but despite my repeated admonishments that I have no experience in how to treat a real lady, I still couldn't help let the idea swirl in my head and languish in my ignorance.

I had originally intended to commence with my usual adolescent fraternity dribble about how it's typically better to say a joke, act cold(assholesque), and bluntly tell people what to do etc. but end of the day, it's complete BS guys all told to make ourselves feel better; For the real catch, you need the real deal.

I even quoted my favourite skirt chaser's take on life and marriage, "Guys want some dumb hottie to run around with and will only settle down when the sure thing is good enough versus rolling the dice at a bar."

Guys (Alpha Males in particular) want a girl slightly to waaaaay dumber than they are, so the guy can make the call about where to eat and when to hit the sack. Guys want a companion, not a warden. Men love it when a girl is literally in awe of their views and capabilities. If you haven't tried dating someone dumber than you, try it. If there are no girls dumber than you, then you deserve to end your genetic line, if for nothing else, than the betterment of man kind.

Who wants a chick to nag them when you could get an academically challenged bombshell, but unfortunately (for him) he wasn't looking for the usual Alpha Za BS I tend to spew.

Apparently, my former protege and now present day schmuck had met, The One. I was rather disappointed in him, God took him away from us far too soon (R.I.P). After saying a small prayer for his lost soul, I have subsequently succumbed and am providing him with advice that goes against my better judgement.

I'd like to preface this by saying that he isn't looking to merely score, he legitimately feels that this is Mrs. I'm ready to Retire my Play Boy Subscription and am a Cluster fucking Idiot.

There is a huge difference in trying to build a relationship with the girl of your dreams as opposed to one night standing it.

1. You Hit the Mother of all Jack Pots: Regardless of any Man Law ratings services, your date is the most beautiful desirable girl on the face of the cluster fucking planet. Period.

Do not pay any attention to the swarms of drop dead gorgeous girls around, trust me, she has already noticed them and feels self concious. If you want to make any degree of inroads with (or on) her, pretend they don't exist. If you want to gawk at hot girls, then go to a strip club or to a girls volleyball match.

Pay legitimate compliments, hopefully because you mean them, but mainly because women are generally insecure. By telling her that she looks good will give her confidence and make her more responsive to you. But this has to be done properly, gentlemanly in fact. No Stupid Shit.

Do not compliment her on her figure beyond the general 'you are looking great'. To be clear, telling a girl she has a nice rack is stupid and a sure shot way to have water thrown on your face. If on the off chance she likes it, then re-evaluate, she might be good for a little fun, but you have ask yourself if you really want to play with the toy that's been tossed around the entire play ground, can you imagine how many other guys germs are all over it? But if your really committed, go all out.

2. Specific Meal Payment Etiquette; These are time honored and true. I refuse to believe that girls are offended by these no matter what their degree of feminism is (if they are feminist, run for the hills....or at least Capitol Hill, DC intern staffers are cute and lonely....but I digress).

Do not let her pay for any portion of the meal. You pay for her meal, not because it's a power play and you tell yourself that she'll be paying for it later, because you have the profound privilege of her company. An alternative rule that I have heard is that the person who issues the invite is the one responsible for paying, but that's a cop out for any self respecting employed guy. Men woo Women. Period.

When the bill arrives, if she does more than the token protest and offer to pay (this will usually happen), then simply reply how it's the best investment you ever made. If she continues to haggle you (I still recommend running to the hill), then reply (with as much fake sincerity as you can muster) that she can get the next one (tab).

This does two things, firstly she'll think your serious about seeing her again (even if you don't want to) and secondly she'll find it really clever and flattering. You can also keep repeating this line for future dates in perpetuity.

Now these responses will work for 99% of all dates, nut if she really is a complete nut job on her period (did I mention how you should be running for the hill?) and is extremely insistent. Then offer to continue the date and let her get coffee or desserts from somewhere else. (So you get to spend more time with The One).

However, I do remember a story from my resident skirt chaser in chief where he used the above tactics and nothing worked. Fortunately for the story, he's a rather obstinate fellow and felt that he had to win the argument (no man legitimately dating a truly rad girl will win every (or any) argument, nor does he really want to), so he leaned over her and smirkingly said 'why don't you take care of me later and we'll call it even', after which he was expecting her to stomp off as mad as a hornet, however, she cooly replied, 'Well, I'm not going to, so why don't you save the money and get yourself a nice tart off the street'. This girl deserves honorary bro membership. Respekt.

3. Eyes on the Prize: This is actually very simple. Do not look at her chest. Laws of common dating etiquette dictate that Women don't mind the odd admiring class or if you are checking them out on their way in or out of a place (I think its so that can you can watch out for the pretty face with the lobster body (all the meat is in the back)). Women like the respectful appreciation as long as you can put your tongue back in your mouth within a reasonable period of time. But they take severe issue with you if you have a fixation with their chest area and to be frank, I can't blame them.

A friend of mine (Fred), while out to dinner was informed by his date that she didn't like that he stared at her breasts all the time, and that it made her feel like a piece of meat. He helpfully responded, "Yeah but like a premium genetically superior steak". Needless to say Fred is a Grade A cluster fucking idiot, but he serves as a useful lesson. Eyes Up!

If your eyes need to wander somewhere, make sure it's right into her eyes. Girls tend to find it flattering. But the key is not to look too intensely, then it's just creepy.

4. Promote the Color Red; Red roses, red wine, red steak, red bull all the best things in life are red. Even Vampires agree, blue blood just isn't as good as red. The color red should be very important to you, a red tie for example exudes power (duh...obviously you're suited up).

Always tell a girl that she looks amazing in red, because frankly it's a (scientifically proven) sensual color; It gives girls more confidence to be daring and fun. And odds are you'll get lucky..ier than you usually would.

5. This is Your Party, Make it Count; Your main duty for the duration of the date isn't gathering her medical history, how many kids she wants, what her job entails (PS: terms like works in fashion typically means low level employee in a retail outlet) or canvassing her political views (no good can ever come of this, remember, your trying to seduce her, not debate health reform). Your role is to make sure she is having a good time and not screw things up.

Since most dates will be over coffee or a meal, you will have plently of talking time, so make sure you have some funny anecdotes to tell, or just make some up if your really not that interesting.

If you want to know if a girl finds you riveting (and worthy of a second date/kiss), then lower your voice a few decibels and see if she leans forward. If she does, then keep doing what you're doing (even if all it is, is making fart jokes...ohk maybe not), if not, then that means she hardly cares, change your line of attack.

All you need to do is find out what she is interested in, and ask her about that and somehow relate that to something you do. Girls look for signs that you are compatible and that you've made an effort for her.

"Aw, did you dress up just to impress me?" The reason why a guy should dress up for a lucky lass isn't so that she can be wowed by your latest array of threads, it should be because he feels that she is so beautiful, that she deserves to be out with a well dressed man (though if she's impressed, why the hell not?).

If you can't pull off a sincere sounding response with a straight face, then practice in front of the god damn mirror. (this is actually redundant as she knows you dressed up for her, she's teasing, you stupid cluster fuck).

Thou shalt open the door, car door (preferably your bedroom door). It's a quaint old tradition, but girls like this part of the wooing process. I have little clue why, but I am assuming Hugh Grant did something that made it seem chivalrous. Besides, nothing says I like you, than opening the door for a girl so you can check her out.

To be continued...


Anne Greenawalt said...

Za! Sorry it took me so long, but I have finally read some of your blog! I laughed, I cried, it became a part of me, and all that.

You have style. Reading this post made me miss you!

To add my own anecdote in response to number 2 - I once went on a date with a guy and he insisted on paying for everything. The meal, the coffee/tea, he bought me a book, etc. Each time I offered to pay, he refused to let me. At the end of the evening he wanted me to sleep with him and I said no. You know what he said? He said: "But I just spent so much." Wow. What an ass, right? I have not been comfortable with a guy paying for the entire date since then.

And I am not a "nut job on my period." Well, not always.

Anonymous said...

Anne, you are the world's sweetest, most talented nut job on her period ever.
And I would say that even if you hated my blog. Be sure to follow the blog, hopefully you'll find parts of it even more entertaining. I do recommend some of older posts like Taliban Fight Club, Peace in the Middle East, Preeti Computer and the Credit card piece...who am I kidding the entire blog is awesome!

Bano. said...

Hi, I dropped here through your post on DAWN......Funny but genuine post and I was wondering if you can help out some females too with your take on men :)

Also, men tend to forget the "nut job on period part" most of the time.......so write a part II for us girls please.

Am surely gonna follow the blog because its not as serious as most of the blogs are with politics and other pieces.

Alpha Za said...

Hi Kulsoom, thanks for your support, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll consider the females take on men post, but I'm poorly schooled in that matter.

Men know about the 'nut job on period,' it just catches us off guard and we're never sure if it's because the are 'affected' or just being bitchy.