Why Women Rule!...Seriously.

Why I Wrote This:

There seems to be a misconception that I've created that I hate all women, that women are terribly creatures and just plain 5 million varieties of awful. Now that's actually not true, I think women are the cornerstone of a society.

If you want to evaluate how progressive and ultimately successful a country will be, one should see how women in that realm are treated. Be it Japan, China, Wider Europe, Canada and the USA, women are the ones who drive growth, whether it's in small businesses or in job creation.

If a Nation relies on only men, it will never be working at more than 50% of it's potential. If a country wants to be great, it needs to let women contribute; it's a good thing that they are will and able.

1. Women Do It All: Women build families, and in many cases they have to balance their family life with their work life with a great deal of poise. I firmly believe that women are more productive during work hours because they know they have responsibilities after work, whether it's child care or family obligations. So they get their tasks complete within the allotted time, so they don't  have to sit late and mess around youtube during the work day. One that note, check this awesome video I found here.

2. Educated Women = Educated Families: If education is the silver bullet, then women are the Fully loaded machine gun firing off that silver bullet. If you educate a man, you educate a man, if you educate a woman, you educate her entire family; the next generation. And lets face it, since women spend a good chunk of their day with the kids, the better educated they are, the more likely and able they will be to help the kid out with his homework. Educated Moms + Whiny Child = Homework actually getting done well enough that kid won't Fail.

3. Online all the Time: Women are fully functional at all hours of the day. From the minute they get up in the morning to get the kids ready, make breakfast etc till they nod off in bed after a hard days work and home management, women are excellent at not only multi-tasking, but getting things done. It makes them great, and a truly enviable asset to have in our lives.

4. Women Make Men Better: Men if left to our own devices would be nothing more than hedonistic play boys hell bent on extracting as much fun out of life as possible....which is not necessarily a bad thing, just very shallow and self serving. Women have an unerring ability to focus men, to make them better than they ever thought that they could be. In some cases they um...'inspire' wholesale drastically needed changes, that men need. A lot of guy's strive to be better because they want to be worthy of that pretty face, it may feel superficial, but guys are willing to do it.

5. Women Strive To Be Better: Women actively combat societal norms for the very simple human reason that they are not fair. Guys are willing to find innovative ways to make the system work for them, but if women don't find that system to be fair, they find ways to go about changing it, whether it is through passive aggressiveness or simply going out and doing it. They act as our moral conscious when it's not convenient for us. And as men, we like convenience...which is why invented the 'remote control' for our TV's and 'Lazy Boys'.

6. Women Will Never Be Fully Appreciated: It's sad but true, after all the things that women do for men, we can never ever no matter what we do, truly appreciate them. A man can never fully appreciate what a girl goes through, and try as we might through glib conjectures (Guilty as charged), we will never completely understand the horrors of the female condition, the burdens and limitations society happily shackles them with. It's a wonder than women haven't killed off all the men yet and just used sperm banks to keep the human race going. Bloody Decent Of You All.

In The End:

Women are IT. They are everything, no society could function without women and no man can live happily without them. Which is why you have all male prisons. They get cable TV and perhaps some cheetos, but they are completely cut off from the opposite sex. Why? Because even with the head aches, women just make mens lives just plain better. Thanks a lot God.

The Way Men See It

Why I Wrote This: 

News Flash: Men do resent women on the volumetric amounts of complaints and whining that they are allowed....it's bloody annoying, particularly as it's not manly to whine about anything short of losing a bet and having to donate a Kidney to the local Taliban Charity.

Men and Women think differently, that's a fact. But I think we need to shed some more light on how different we really are. Some things just need to be said.

Face Value: When a guy is on facebook and see's a girl whose profile picture is a cartoon, he doesn't think how cute that is, he assume that she's fat, ugly or a mutation of both. He is very likely to laud her ‘wonderful’ personality. Which is why Women see diets as a way to improve their health and look more appealing, men see diets as punishments for future crimes (that we are likely to commit, such as noticing ‘hot friends’).

Men will tell Women they look awesome in high heels (which they do). Women take that to mean we enjoy causing them pain and making it harder for them to run away from their oppressed lives. Women reciprocate by telling guys they look great in the most uncomfortable shoes available...no reason...just unadulterated revenge.

Food Tactics: The easiest way into a man's heart is his stomach, we are emotionally susceptible to fall in love with good cooks, infact food is our defacto tie breaker. Horrible but true, but since women use the size of men’s bank accounts as their rishta tie breakers, men find food to be both fair and prudent. Note: There has been no proof that women have hearts. It is thought that they develop them once they bear children…Until then, bank accounts it is.

Transportation: Men will rush to change a woman's flat tire for the very simple reason that it's shameful to let her do it on her own. A feminist views this as part of mans strategy to continually oppress women, after all a women is less likely to escape their horrible lives by car if they don't know how to change a tire. A minority of Women also cite the inflationary high cost of manicures.

Legal Standards: Women keep a wary eye on the laws passed in parliaments as a way to subjugate women. Men don't notice what laws are passed in parliament...because they don't really matter. Did anyone know that Smoking Indoors is actually illegal?...certainly not the restaurants that sell them off the menu. 

Guys are practical with regards to corruption, we do the math on how much it costs to bribe a policeman and pay the fee. Women are never in a situation to bribe policemen because all they have to do is roll their eyes and refer to the 'distinguished' Police wala as 'Bhai'. Because obviously, it’s only corruption when money is changing hands.

Work Place Environment: Men don't harass women at the work place, we appreciate them. Particularly when there is a good chance that they'll feed us. Women don't harass men at the work place unless there is a good chance it could result in all paid for shopping spree with an option for a life time commitment; Men work late to avoid going home to their wives. Women work late because their trying to get a guy to make them their wife.

Women can leave work early to go home and tend to the kids, men have to stay as long as it takes to get the job done. And yes, we resent you for it, though we try to be understanding about it. If a guy leaves work early, it's because he's a kaam chor or 'lazy', if a women leaves work early its because she has 'pressing family matters' to attend to.

The Home Life: Guy's see the home as a place to unwind after work. Women see their jobs as a place to unwind and the household where they have to do real work. Women see running, cleaning and caring for the household as a major responsibility, pity, as men couldn't care less as long as we are fed and we can find our stuff.

It’s not that we don’t provide feed back. Men are excellent at feedback, if we don't appreciate something that's done for us, it's not because we didn't notice, it is because we never cared enough about it in the first place. If the lady of the house puts more vegetables on the table, we might eat them and say nothing, but if she programs our TV to record late night T-20 matches, a guy is almost guaranteed to worship the ground she walks on. Try it…

Men Never Get to be Right: A man will tell a women that she's right, even when she's not, for nothing else than our piece of mind. Women, as far as recorded history can tell have never been wrong, and if they on occasion do admit they are wrong, they do it in the most condescending method possible. We don’t want to be right, if it makes you pissed and our lives a living hell till you forget our transgression (for proving you wrong)…which might take a few years.

Women see romantic ads, sigh and then yell at their guys for being so boorish in comparison, Guys look at that same ad, silently curse the male ‘model’, and wonder why the onus is on them to be romantic…was it in the Nikah Nama? And then (a smart) guy will turn to his partner, smile and tell her that she's right.

There is also a very practical reason why a guy will never fight with a woman in public. For starters, because every guy in hearing distance will flip out and smack that boy’s head so hard, that it’ll look positively cartoonish (and quite rightly so). Women yell at men in public so that every guy in hearing distance will rush to her ‘aid’ and beat that boy to a shiny messy pulp. Thank you Patriarchal Protectionism.

The Big Idea:

Men are hardly perfect in their own right, but we live with our faults and silently bear our imperfections, for no other reason that we want to be better than we really are, which is deserving of the ‘perfect girl’. But we are faced with female hypocrisy at every turn and it makes us wonder if perfect is just the veil of love. Do men oppress women or do women oppress men?

The sad reality is that Men tell women horrible things because they are largely the truth, women say awful things to men to hurt them. It’s already a messy unfair world, but the question is that do we have to be as well? Or can we rise above it and hold ourselves to a higher standard. We are different, but indeed equal in every possibly measurable way.

A PC (Pakistanily Correct) version of this article was reluctantly published on Dawn.com

Women & The Myths: My Turn!!!

Why I Wrote This:

Around a month ago I wrote a blog for dawn.com regarding Men & the Myths, and a few days a response piece Women & the Myths was published, I found it quite entertaining and felt that I should add my two cents and correct her where she went a bit astray.... I naturally also have my unedited blog posting...

1. Women Are Age Conscious: There is possibly no creature ever created that is more age conscious than a woman. The entire cosmetics industry relies on women's age appropriate insecurities. The goal for a woman, is to look like she's is perpetually 29. Apparently there is something magical about that number. Men, don't care. The older we get, the better looking we get. Women look hot in their teens while guys look scrawny and awkward. Men date younger women because we can. Older women find it exceedingly difficult to date younger men for the very simple reason that guys have no desire to date men their mothers age.

2. Women Are Weight Conscious: Yes, they are. Women care more about their weight than any  man in the history of time ever has. And with good evidence, has anyone seen a really successful obese women? Obese women don't get promoted to the top of their organization or Marry stellar looking guys. Men luckily can be the size of a whale and still make CEO, In fact in Italian culture, a man with a significant pot belly is referred to as a man of respect. Gotta Love the hypocrisy. oh and it goes without saying that fat men with big bank accounts can generally get their pick of hottie gold digging elite.

3. Women are Bad Drivers: Yes, they are. For the very simple reason that guys can zone out and thinking about nothing while they drive. Women have the amazing capacity to think about everything and  worry about anything that could possibly happen. Which is why women aren't issued licenses to operate heavy duty vehicles....and motor cycles. Besides, God said so, which is why women aren't allowed to drive in Saudi Arabia! Men Drive cars because they enjoy the experience, women drive cars because they enjoy where they take them...typically the malls. In Pakistan this has resulted in men hiring Chauffeurs for their women folk....bad drivers or just plain Genuis?

4. Women Are Shopoholics: Women are incorrigible Shopoholics, women love the experience, they cherish it and find it as addictive as men find Video Games. However, video games are a one time cost, whereas womens shopping tends to be life long journey of discovery for the perfect black dress, the perfect shoes etc...hint: they don't exist, The female form has the tendency to change over time.....I'm just saying. Women also equate it to a sport, however I'd like to point out that most sports are time bound and have clear objectives....unless they consider spending as much money as they can in an allotted amount of time as 'objectives', which reminds me why some men won't give their wives these things called 'credit cards'.

Men brag about how little they paid for something, women brag about how large the amount they paid was. Usually when it is their boyfriends money. When they do save a token amount on things like peas, they tend to reward themselves with things like an Coach Bag....math please?

5. Women Are Physically Weak: Women actually are not fragile, they are just built differently. I would say that they are sturdy, for no other reason than that the birth giving process seems hardly the pain free delicate task in the world. It's not their fault, it's nature. Men recognize that women are typically more fragile and act accordingly. Because we are gentlemen and all guys love be told how strong we are. And women do like stroking our egos so that can make men do whatever they want.

6. Women Are Bad at Numbers: Definitely not true, women are great at math, and they've solved an equation that says that if they play their cards right, they'll be married to a dude who can bank roll their lack of math. And in future they can use this lack of math to justify their spending. 'Oh, it was for five Hundred dollars. haha, I thought it was for 5.00 bucks...Silly me'...More like Silly US!

7. Women Are Maternal: Women are not inbuilt with a maternal gene. I can categorically confirm that some women don't care for children at all, in some cases even their own. Some women do, something to do with carrying 10 extra pounds over the course of 9 months does a lot to your mental state. That said, I have seen heavily pregnant women drinking coffee, eating cheese, drinking beer, smoking cigarettes (this says nothing good about the people I have known). My advice to men is simple, If you find a great maternal girl, marry her, have some kids and if you are still unsatisfied...well there are marriages numbers 2, 3, an 4. But make sure you marry maternal babe first.

8. Women Love Gay Men: I have known alot of women who think of a gay best friend as the ultimate prize to be had. They like the idea of a male to go shopping with, and who shares interests with them. I think women who find gay men to be perfect, should really re-think it, if they EVER compare a straight man to a gay man. I have also known girls who are freaked out by Gay men. No idea why, I assume it has something to do with their assuming that the guy is 'undercover' gay and are waiting to drunken shag them. Girls are Weird. Men sadly, just don't understand their gay brethren; 'Why would you go for a guy, when you can hookup with any hot girl you want?' Seriously, a motion in the UN ought to be passed thanking them for improving every other mans odds.

9. Women Take Forever to Get Ready: Men get ready very quickly, we pick what we want to wear and get ready to head out the door. Women seem to put on a fashion show every time they are about to go out. Which has led me to the conclusion that no man should ever be on time to pick his lady friend up.

10. Women Are Manipulative: Women can be manipulative and the reason why they are perceived as such is because of their subtle communication skills coupled with their passive aggressiveness. A girl won't outright tell her guy that she hates his clothes, but slowly and surely items will start disappearing and after a period of time a guys entire wardrobe looks like the Marks & Spencer/Banana Republic Catalogue. If men don't like something, we just say it....usually to our detriment for being insensitive.

The Big Idea:

Women have to live with man misconceptions about who they are and how they act. However women tend to find ways to make it work for them, usually through whining about their lifes difficulties, a Man's pride requires him to bear burdens silently. Bravo to Woman Kind for Making Myths Work For Them!

Cell Phones are Evil: They want to Control Us....

Why I Wrote This:

Cell Phones are evil. I have come to this conclusion whilst looking at my shiny piece of electronics, fully aware that in the palm of my hand, is a device that has more technology crammed into it than the Apollo Space Shuttle...and that thing made it to the Moon and back!

What is my phone to me? Calls, Emails, Pager, Test Messaging., Alarm Clock, Calender, Scheduler, MP3 Player, Camera, Radio USB Data Stick, Mini TV.

I wake up in the morning thanks to my Cell's Alarm, I immediately check my emails and text messages. Off to work, listen to the Cell's Radio on the way. At work, I check my Cell's scheduler and calender to verify my week. I juggle and update time slots on my scheduler for the week.

If I have any files to take, I use my Cell's Bluetooth to transfer files. I also watch a little TV via my phone if I get a little board, and lets not even measure the amount of time fillers I spend on playing games...And to add insult to injury, my Phone looks damn cool too. And this is excluding the main function which is answering calls.  

I don't want a high tech dollar collar constricting my movement. if I did, I'd get married or find a vacant Dominatrix. 

They look cool, but deep down, well as deep down as a cell phones circuit board is, they really hate us. They are just biding their time...

1. Glorified Tracking Devices: The government can use them to track us...the US government. that is..ask any number of Taliban heads (the ones that are still alive anyway). Carrier pigeons is the way to go. 

2. Always Connected: Staying connected to everyone sucks. No longer can one slip away and do things....you can be tracked down by your family, girl friends...whatever happened to freedom? It's also a huge work life dud, you work almost all hours of the day, because you can't just turn your phone off...you'll be cut off from civilization! 

3. Cell phone games: They are addictive and kill your time. Damn you Magic Sushi and Snake.  I-Phones are even worse because there are thousands of developers who make the most awesome games on them!!!

4. The O'Shit Factor: How often do you look at your cell phone and think...oh shit. I forgot to do this, or call that person back, or hey whatever happened to all of my high scores!!! Far too often in my opinion.

5. Call Me: You are always waiting for someone to call and you get disappointed...It's always the person you least wanted to talk to in the first place! Not fun.

6. Spam Texts Campaigns: Random bandwidth wasting text messages. Cell Messages are the new spam, why? Because you'll always open the message just to see who it's from. After all, you don't know who the message is from till you open it.  Damn Intelligent Marketers! Why can't they invent Spam Folders for my Cell Phones!

7. Wallet or Cell Phone? Cell Phone Every Time! I'm more protective of my damn phone than I am of my wallet! I can't get those contact numbers back, but I can always make more money, cancel the cards and get new licenses made.

8. Quick Fire Response Required: Whenever people message you, they expect an almost instantaneous response. Now, folks don't seem to understand the concept of 'I'm busy', or I forgot to message you back, they naturally assume it's option 3, 'well, I didn't think you were worth the money to message back'. What the Hell! I'll get back to you when I can/want to.

9. Intelligent Phone Making Us Dumber: If cell phones get any more high tech, they'll start walking, talking and thinking for us.
'Hmm, I can't decide what I want for dinner, hey, I'll let Andy (Android Phone) decide'
'He'll have the Phad Thai without the peanuts, his medical history indicates a peanuts aversion.'

10. Cost Savings: The cell phone company reps keep promising me that if I take on their product that my costs will go down....FREAKING LIARS. Not once has that actually happened, you'll find some creative ways to charge me for things that I don't even need.

Mark my words, cell phone technology was invented by Aliens as a part of their strategy to take over the world. Those mobile signals will frazzle all of our brains and turn us into complacent consuming Zombies....

I always thought the whole damn point of technology was to make our lives easier, more free time and more productive during work hours. Now, I feel like I've been lied to by this glorious piece of technology resting in my shorts pocket.

Mark my words, no good can come from this technology cult....Satanistic evil lurks.

Screw it, who am I kidding, I Still Love and Need my Cell Phone.

Love of the Game: Going Pro or Retiring

I'm always curious when I find guys that are ready to give up the single life for a life of monogamy. I mean, you are bound to be disappointed in some way, their isn't any 'they lived happily ever after', there is however, they mostly lived happily every after until they divorced....or forgot to; the benefits of old age if you will.

Majority of guys retire from the 'game', and with the passage of time some even mount comebacks either during their unions or once divorces papers are finalized.. The brave remaining, the Players who (perhaps) fortuitously decided that they were meant to go Pro, to be life long bachelors and womanizers of the highest degree. I applaud them for their bravery, after all, society looks down on those poor guys for not settling down and managing offspring.

I wonder why some would choose this path less traveled and the truth is that it has nothing to do with finding love. They've realized that for them, the concept of love and the subsequent relationship that goes with it, is the greatest game of all time; It is their purpose in lives to be the Tiger Woods of the Love Game. They want to maximize the good times of a relationship without having to endure the domestic pain that the institution of marriage brings about. This deserves a high five, not an admonishment.

They have enough belief in themselves and enjoy their own company enough that they are willing to take a life long gamble to pursue a hedonistic lifestyle. If that's what fulfills them, then power to them.

The whole man woman game is the greatest natural reality show in existence, there is always drama, excessively supplied by women, though brief men cameo's do make some contribution. Fights emanate from the ridiculous to the sublime.

Small things such as a guy not noticing his girlfriend's new hair cut (Advice: If you really wanted him to to notice something and be happy about it, get a boob job), and perhaps spending too much visual time on his girlfriends attractive friends. It is fraught with complications, but it's a different game in itself. From the beginning of a guys marriage right to the end, his biggest fear is the potential for divorce and the subsequent social fall out. And to be fair, he can hardly be blamed, so he makes it work. Couples endure each other for decades and take out their frustration on newer couples and hence the cycle continues.

The true passion that 'Players' feel for the game isn't the relationship itself, but the pursuit, the hunt. It is great, it is tenuous and it is everything to them. Maybe there lives are actually shallow and full of nothing but meaningless one night stands a sack full of stories, but if Life it's a compilation of your experiences, what is it? And who is to say that there isn't just as much meaning and satisfaction in 'going pro', as there is in settling down.

Who the hell are we to judge, we also want each other to be happy, right? Or would we rather everyone being equitably miserable? Either way, we enjoy discussing other peoples choices, for no other reason than to avoid a hard seething glance at the mirror.

For those couples that are shaking their heads, telling themselves how much they love each other and naively calling me a Jack Ass. C'mon seriously, you'll never maintain that same level of passion. It'll eventually be a disappointment (statistically), Love grows but passion fade and men tend to confuse love with sex. The less sex men get, the more they feel inclined to get it elsewhere.

Some guys feel like it's their right to cheat (men are also genetically programmed to procreate and spread their seed). After all, as far as they are concerned they are doing their best to make their partners happy (yes living in LALA land), but their former amorous parters no longer reciprocate they're sexual advances, so they justify cheating.

Which is probably why 'love' marriages tend to have a hire divorce rate than 'arranged' marriages. Arranged marriages aren't burdened by expectations...of any passionate sort. Marriage is a duty and a burden to be silently (or not so silently) borne..

We all see unhappy marriages and relationships, and laugh them off, discounting any possibility that it could one day be ourselves (we are smarter than they...which is exactly the same thing they thought). We fail to recognize and learn from the short comings people experience in relationships, even our own. But what I've always noticed, that it's the Players who keep their emotional attachments in check are the ones have the most baller times. They the Players, I applaud you for your zest for life and commitment to love of the game. Nike ought to make you guys some custom made shoes and a wrist band.

I recall some friends of mine, a couple, who would argue from time to time, without fail the only way any argument would be resolved is if one went on a tangent of how cute or adorable the other looked. After catching my breath from the subsequent puking, I realize that no matter if they stay together for ten or twenty years, theies was not a feasible relationship (incidentally the love birds lasted only another 3 weeks). There are some problems you can't just 'lovey dovey' BS away.

You have to stand up to your partner, resolve them and prepare to take any negative consequences as they come. Be a man, and take the pain knowing that a women can cause a man more pain in a five minute rant, than he could ever accomplish in a lifetime. So, I'm hard pressed to wonder why I sane man would sign up for that, rather than the freedom and privileges the single Pro life has to offer?

The answer is simple; Men are not logical in matters of love. When girls look at a guy, all they really see or measure are his financial prospects, not if he is likely to love them. It's a logical compatibility issue as far as they are concerned, even though their expectations of 'what they are worth', will vary as they get older and well...essentially less attractive (there..I said it).

Girl's most appreciable currency is their looks, which makes the game that much more intriguing. Women are aware of 'The Game', this dance we play with each other like some Cultist pairing ritual. The older they get, the more conniving, after all, whilst older guys may marry younger women, young guys don't marry older women. If they do, they are considering Saints....or Prophets for that matter

Note: Prophet Muhammad's (Peace Be Upon Him) first wife Bibi Khadija was 15 years older than him, but she was exceptionally awesome (Duh, she Married the PROPHET).

Guys on the other hand lose or redefine the essence of themselves when confronted with a particularly fantastic girl (as per their expectations). Men don't really care about the girls family, all what they really cares about is how she looks (shallow I admit) and if they can get along (Thumbs Up for Compatibility Check). The guy's family takes care of rest of the details.

Men are fools in Love. So cut us some slack when we look back in time and remember the glorious times when we were Single, Great at it and Positively Awesome. We gave it all up to spend our lives pleasing, growing with and appreciating one woman, and as emotionally sweet as that may sound, our genetics fight monogamy till the day we die.

Whether we go Pro or Retire from the Game all together, the choice is our own, but if we take the risk of love, we'll almost always lose, but we live for the dream of when we roll the dice and come up trumps.

For all of you incorrigible womanizers, 'Stay Thirsty, my Friends' and for your sake, I sure hope Hell is a Wanton Beer Garden.

Politics, Parenting or Pandering?

Society's pandering and preaching complicates any healthy degree of interaction between the sexes. Then again, I'm sure that's what parents (of women in particular) are heavily in favor off. But there are already enough impediments without the government wanting a piece of the action.

The Family Impediments: Let’s meet Mom & Dad; Chance of success of meeting their Daughters with their approval; Nil. Chance of Girl Meeting their Son; 50%

The Dad Issue: It's tough for a guy to get to know a girl in a healthy manner, and Fathers in particular, prefer it that way. As far Dads are concerned, the only boys their daughters ought to speak with are ones that doesn't exist. The 'Beti, Get yourself an imaginary friend' syndrome if you will. But, if a father see's his virile son 'hanging out' with girls, it's a sign of how masculine his son is and that its time to hand out Cigars and buy the boy his first Kalashnikov.

Mom Protection Agency: Moms are terrific, but let no one be fooled, these women are hell bent on protecting their daughters’ perceived ‘piety’, even if it means hiring their girls a personalized Black Water security detail. Instructions are simple, 'If you see a larka talk to her, shoot him'. On the flip side, if a mother sees her sons associating with the opposite sex, they immediately assume that the girl is trying to ‘trap’ him. What a world we live in.

There is some perception, that guys will pursue anything in a skirt, well that may be true, but girls in Pakistan don't wear skirts…in public, so parents don't need to worry.

Now, the government, in all of its boredom has decided to prioritize the moral protection of the youth. Apparently boys and girls talking via text and phone calls at night has become a national concern. So the Punjabi Assembly passed a resolution demanding that mobile companies stop promoting ‘cheap rate, late night packages that alter societal tendencies’ and simply ban them. Luckily for us, they haven’t yet discovered of ‘Instant Messenger’ or the ‘Internet’.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but cheap mobile packages don't corrupt the youth, society corrupts the youth. The last generation grew up without cell phones, internet, cable television and Gossip Girl, and they've hardly turned out as bastions of virtue.

The Youth’s desire for a healthy communicative relationship doesn't evaporate because it gets a few bucks more expensive. They invest in relationships like the army invests in defense; often and expensively.

I can fume, I can cry or I can ridicule.

I’ve decided to go with ridicule.

So let’s help our virtuous virtuouso government out. What other inane acts of grand standing can they do to prevent the altering of societal tendencies in today’s youth?

They can start with the establishment of the Aunties United in Napalming & Tormenting the Youth Ministry; The AUNTY Ministry, will be responsible for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice amongst the youth; They are committed to preventing vice by minimizing any interaction between boys and girls, they will promote virtue by…well, thats in next year's budget.

Their first act will be to recruit Aunty Disco Project to play at their launch ceremony and roll out their agenda.

1. Shopping Malls Law: Women will only be allowed to visit shopping areas for certain hours of the day. The Aunty Ministry can liberally whip (yes they will be issued made in china whips) the predominantly male shop owners at will...how they dare look at their customers during a good price haggling. Men are recommended to discover or launch a Pakistani version of E-Bay.

2. Face to Face Interactions Initiative: The solution is very simple; Don't let women leave their homes....ever, female parliamentarians can put a webcam up in the parliament and vote via G-Chat. In fact, the Aunty ministry will combine this in their recommendation for a massive expansion of online colleges and classes. How dare those boys be in a situation where they might even smell a girl !?!

3. Messenger & Email Laws: The Aunty Ministry will launch a multi-billion dollar initiative to destroy all Pakistani chat rooms and install state of the art spam blockers on individual accounts that prevent any online interaction…. I hate to break it to the Aunty Ministry, but we’re the ones who will be writing the programs for these firewalls, and odds are pretty good that we’ll find a way around them…just to prove that we can.

4. Gaming Zones Restrictions: Currently, these are man havens. Girls don't play video games, however in anticipation of the Mehndi version of Dance Dance Revolution & Rock Band, the Aunty Ministry recommends a ban for all women. Oddly, enough this will be the one proclamation that neither sex will be too bothered with. Win?

5. Restaurants Regulations: Close down all 'family' sections of restaurants, and keep video cameras that relay the footage on the web and allow parents (and the Aunty ministry) to track these scandalous couples, and appropriately punish them by lamenting how they shamed their last 29 generations. I always enjoy a good show with my dinner.

6. Education Policy: All institutions are to be single sex. Keep anything with a reasonable level of testosterone from entering girl’s schools (women won’t be entering all guy institutions), this would uplift female employment and reduce the number of dogs roaming around the premises. Men are recommended to actually attend school. (Note: The hair and makeup industry might go bankrupt).

The Big Idea:

Today’s 'youth' don't need paternalistic protectionist polices (though in our heart of hearts we are honored that our elected officials care...flattered really), however, we'd greatly appreciate it if they could focus their energies on prevalent issues like load shedding, unemployment, food prices etc.... that would be simply splendid of them.

Politicians are elected to govern, not to preach, particularly when their own track record sucks. Pity the youth don't vote….maybe we should?

A Pakistanily Correct Version was Reluctantly Published on Dawn.com

To All You Fabulous I Shit Glitter Folk

Why I Wrote This:

I am unfortunate enough to come across more than my own share of the 'fabulous' people, who wildly proclaim that they are sooo fabulous that they piss and shit glitter. Now the kicker is that these particular mutation of people aren't actually famous per say. But they just believe they are. Now, I know it's important for everyone to have a sense of self-importance, it's healthy and all that, but I rather not be involved in conversation with anyone involving how they are 'so famous, it's scary'...particularly as they are best described as Celeb leeches. 

I'm not exactly sure how it starts, but I imagine it has something to do with Facebook photographs and tagging. Once they get tagged standing next to someone 'famous', they get noticed and have something 'meaningful' to talk about for the next month, and soon an addiction kicks in. Suddenly, they consider themselves and their brushes/liaisons/insertions with relatively well known (broadly interpreting well known), as significant news that require frantic phone calls and multiple twitter updates.  

1. Celebrity Esteem: Just because you know, have hooked up with, or perhaps stole a sandwich from a mildly famous person doesn't mean you are particularly important. It means that you have low self esteem. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, after all, you make the rest of us feel better about ourselves. Being cool by association is sad. Be cool on your own damn right. Go climb K2 in a bikini whilst smoking a cigar or something. 

2. You are not Famous. Name dropping may sound grand in your own warped mind, but it's not. It doesn't make you cool, and it doesn't mean that I (or anyone else for that matter) noticed that it was you holding back a celebs hair when she was puking on camera. And why any one would like to draw attention to the fact that their moment of glory was Drunken Hair Management is beyond me. It's not like  anyone is going to put you on speed dial in case they need to revolt their latest meals contents and need your particular services. 

3. I Will Not Google You. If I did, I'm unlikely to follow your site, your twitter, your Facebook fan page, your blog or your official web page and I most certainly won't buy your Lance Armstrong style Magenta wrist band (FYI: wrist bands are over, and no you can't bring them back). Any fan mail you get is from your mother. 

4. You Do Not Warrant a Security Detail. No one is going to stalk you and people aren't going to swarm you at your local coffee shop. If you have security, hopefully it's to protect the general public from you.  

5. Stores Will Not be Shut down for You: If you walk into a store and have to start convincing the staff how famous and well known you are, and require that they shut the store down for your own personal safety, then the truth of the matter is that you are a nobody. Though the way the economy is going, odds are that the store will be empty anyway. 

6. Celebrity 'Free Stuff' Privileges: Celebs get free clothes where ever they shop, free meals where ever they eat. Odd considering they are the demographic that afford it, if you aren't gifted such items without asking, then you simply don't matter. Think of it as businesses feeling that there is nothing to gain from supplying their items to a glorified Celeb hanger on. Take a hint and bring your credit card with you when you decide to go shopping.  

7. No I haven't see You on TV: In a country with over 50 channels and growing, it's unlikely that the population continuously check the channels for your appearance. The real world doesn't watch or remember game show contestants. If you made a cameo appearance, I'm not going to be checking it out on YouTube and comment on how super star-esque you are. If I somehow do, I (and everyone else you coerce) will notice that you are the one whose made all the 'high five' comments.  If you are a VJ, and I did recognize you from a TV show, I'd mention it or have class and show nonchalance to ignore the fact that you flirt with random guys who have nothing to do on a Saturday night. Besides, how crappy are you that you have a show on a Saturday night? 

8. Quit with the Self promotion: If every conversation you have with people artfully steered towards what you said in your blog or in a conversation you had a with a famous person, I don't particularly care. You have a problem, and please, you are not allowed to 'quote' yourself. If you do manage to find a sycophant to make you a fan page, thats not cause for celebration, its cause to get sketched out. Get therapy...seriously

9. Not a Fan of being Famous Through You: No I don't want your wall paper on my desktop or want my photo taken with you and have the picture subsequently tagged on Facebook so people 'know' who I am. I couldn't care less. And honestly neither should you. Also I question those third tier losers who think it's neat to be cool by association to a person who thinks they are cool by association. 

10. Charitable Causes Doctrine: No I don't want to give to Haiti through a charity in your name. I think Pakistan has enough problems without sending money abroad. We still have displaced folk from the earth quakes not to mention a host of other problems...like people starving. However, if you wish to get mental treatment, I'd be happy to donate....as well as help stage your intervention. We can make it into a show even if it makes the process easier.

Big Idea:

I hate to be discriminatory, but you glorified Wannabe Celeb Hanger-Ons  annoy me. Superficiality should not be raised to the level of an art form. It should not be something to aspire to. People ought to develop their own self worth through their own achievements, and being friends with celebs is not an achievement of any sort. It's just a mark of how low our expectations of our selves can fall. 

Now, I hate to see people bask in their own brilliance (particularly if it's not me and it's not earned), but I truly do feel that some douchebags need to move out of LALA land, and perhaps give the real world a shot. Grow the Hell Up.