Cell Phones are Evil: They want to Control Us....

Why I Wrote This:

Cell Phones are evil. I have come to this conclusion whilst looking at my shiny piece of electronics, fully aware that in the palm of my hand, is a device that has more technology crammed into it than the Apollo Space Shuttle...and that thing made it to the Moon and back!

What is my phone to me? Calls, Emails, Pager, Test Messaging., Alarm Clock, Calender, Scheduler, MP3 Player, Camera, Radio USB Data Stick, Mini TV.

I wake up in the morning thanks to my Cell's Alarm, I immediately check my emails and text messages. Off to work, listen to the Cell's Radio on the way. At work, I check my Cell's scheduler and calender to verify my week. I juggle and update time slots on my scheduler for the week.

If I have any files to take, I use my Cell's Bluetooth to transfer files. I also watch a little TV via my phone if I get a little board, and lets not even measure the amount of time fillers I spend on playing games...And to add insult to injury, my Phone looks damn cool too. And this is excluding the main function which is answering calls.  

I don't want a high tech dollar collar constricting my movement. if I did, I'd get married or find a vacant Dominatrix. 

They look cool, but deep down, well as deep down as a cell phones circuit board is, they really hate us. They are just biding their time...

1. Glorified Tracking Devices: The government can use them to track us...the US government. that is..ask any number of Taliban heads (the ones that are still alive anyway). Carrier pigeons is the way to go. 

2. Always Connected: Staying connected to everyone sucks. No longer can one slip away and do things....you can be tracked down by your family, girl friends...whatever happened to freedom? It's also a huge work life dud, you work almost all hours of the day, because you can't just turn your phone off...you'll be cut off from civilization! 

3. Cell phone games: They are addictive and kill your time. Damn you Magic Sushi and Snake.  I-Phones are even worse because there are thousands of developers who make the most awesome games on them!!!

4. The O'Shit Factor: How often do you look at your cell phone and think...oh shit. I forgot to do this, or call that person back, or hey whatever happened to all of my high scores!!! Far too often in my opinion.

5. Call Me: You are always waiting for someone to call and you get disappointed...It's always the person you least wanted to talk to in the first place! Not fun.

6. Spam Texts Campaigns: Random bandwidth wasting text messages. Cell Messages are the new spam, why? Because you'll always open the message just to see who it's from. After all, you don't know who the message is from till you open it.  Damn Intelligent Marketers! Why can't they invent Spam Folders for my Cell Phones!

7. Wallet or Cell Phone? Cell Phone Every Time! I'm more protective of my damn phone than I am of my wallet! I can't get those contact numbers back, but I can always make more money, cancel the cards and get new licenses made.

8. Quick Fire Response Required: Whenever people message you, they expect an almost instantaneous response. Now, folks don't seem to understand the concept of 'I'm busy', or I forgot to message you back, they naturally assume it's option 3, 'well, I didn't think you were worth the money to message back'. What the Hell! I'll get back to you when I can/want to.

9. Intelligent Phone Making Us Dumber: If cell phones get any more high tech, they'll start walking, talking and thinking for us.
'Hmm, I can't decide what I want for dinner, hey, I'll let Andy (Android Phone) decide'
'He'll have the Phad Thai without the peanuts, his medical history indicates a peanuts aversion.'

10. Cost Savings: The cell phone company reps keep promising me that if I take on their product that my costs will go down....FREAKING LIARS. Not once has that actually happened, you'll find some creative ways to charge me for things that I don't even need.

Mark my words, cell phone technology was invented by Aliens as a part of their strategy to take over the world. Those mobile signals will frazzle all of our brains and turn us into complacent consuming Zombies....

I always thought the whole damn point of technology was to make our lives easier, more free time and more productive during work hours. Now, I feel like I've been lied to by this glorious piece of technology resting in my shorts pocket.

Mark my words, no good can come from this technology cult....Satanistic evil lurks.

Screw it, who am I kidding, I Still Love and Need my Cell Phone.

Love of the Game: Going Pro or Retiring

I'm always curious when I find guys that are ready to give up the single life for a life of monogamy. I mean, you are bound to be disappointed in some way, their isn't any 'they lived happily ever after', there is however, they mostly lived happily every after until they divorced....or forgot to; the benefits of old age if you will.

Majority of guys retire from the 'game', and with the passage of time some even mount comebacks either during their unions or once divorces papers are finalized.. The brave remaining, the Players who (perhaps) fortuitously decided that they were meant to go Pro, to be life long bachelors and womanizers of the highest degree. I applaud them for their bravery, after all, society looks down on those poor guys for not settling down and managing offspring.

I wonder why some would choose this path less traveled and the truth is that it has nothing to do with finding love. They've realized that for them, the concept of love and the subsequent relationship that goes with it, is the greatest game of all time; It is their purpose in lives to be the Tiger Woods of the Love Game. They want to maximize the good times of a relationship without having to endure the domestic pain that the institution of marriage brings about. This deserves a high five, not an admonishment.

They have enough belief in themselves and enjoy their own company enough that they are willing to take a life long gamble to pursue a hedonistic lifestyle. If that's what fulfills them, then power to them.

The whole man woman game is the greatest natural reality show in existence, there is always drama, excessively supplied by women, though brief men cameo's do make some contribution. Fights emanate from the ridiculous to the sublime.

Small things such as a guy not noticing his girlfriend's new hair cut (Advice: If you really wanted him to to notice something and be happy about it, get a boob job), and perhaps spending too much visual time on his girlfriends attractive friends. It is fraught with complications, but it's a different game in itself. From the beginning of a guys marriage right to the end, his biggest fear is the potential for divorce and the subsequent social fall out. And to be fair, he can hardly be blamed, so he makes it work. Couples endure each other for decades and take out their frustration on newer couples and hence the cycle continues.

The true passion that 'Players' feel for the game isn't the relationship itself, but the pursuit, the hunt. It is great, it is tenuous and it is everything to them. Maybe there lives are actually shallow and full of nothing but meaningless one night stands a sack full of stories, but if Life it's a compilation of your experiences, what is it? And who is to say that there isn't just as much meaning and satisfaction in 'going pro', as there is in settling down.

Who the hell are we to judge, we also want each other to be happy, right? Or would we rather everyone being equitably miserable? Either way, we enjoy discussing other peoples choices, for no other reason than to avoid a hard seething glance at the mirror.

For those couples that are shaking their heads, telling themselves how much they love each other and naively calling me a Jack Ass. C'mon seriously, you'll never maintain that same level of passion. It'll eventually be a disappointment (statistically), Love grows but passion fade and men tend to confuse love with sex. The less sex men get, the more they feel inclined to get it elsewhere.

Some guys feel like it's their right to cheat (men are also genetically programmed to procreate and spread their seed). After all, as far as they are concerned they are doing their best to make their partners happy (yes living in LALA land), but their former amorous parters no longer reciprocate they're sexual advances, so they justify cheating.

Which is probably why 'love' marriages tend to have a hire divorce rate than 'arranged' marriages. Arranged marriages aren't burdened by expectations...of any passionate sort. Marriage is a duty and a burden to be silently (or not so silently) borne..

We all see unhappy marriages and relationships, and laugh them off, discounting any possibility that it could one day be ourselves (we are smarter than they...which is exactly the same thing they thought). We fail to recognize and learn from the short comings people experience in relationships, even our own. But what I've always noticed, that it's the Players who keep their emotional attachments in check are the ones have the most baller times. They the Players, I applaud you for your zest for life and commitment to love of the game. Nike ought to make you guys some custom made shoes and a wrist band.

I recall some friends of mine, a couple, who would argue from time to time, without fail the only way any argument would be resolved is if one went on a tangent of how cute or adorable the other looked. After catching my breath from the subsequent puking, I realize that no matter if they stay together for ten or twenty years, theies was not a feasible relationship (incidentally the love birds lasted only another 3 weeks). There are some problems you can't just 'lovey dovey' BS away.

You have to stand up to your partner, resolve them and prepare to take any negative consequences as they come. Be a man, and take the pain knowing that a women can cause a man more pain in a five minute rant, than he could ever accomplish in a lifetime. So, I'm hard pressed to wonder why I sane man would sign up for that, rather than the freedom and privileges the single Pro life has to offer?

The answer is simple; Men are not logical in matters of love. When girls look at a guy, all they really see or measure are his financial prospects, not if he is likely to love them. It's a logical compatibility issue as far as they are concerned, even though their expectations of 'what they are worth', will vary as they get older and well...essentially less attractive (there..I said it).

Girl's most appreciable currency is their looks, which makes the game that much more intriguing. Women are aware of 'The Game', this dance we play with each other like some Cultist pairing ritual. The older they get, the more conniving, after all, whilst older guys may marry younger women, young guys don't marry older women. If they do, they are considering Saints....or Prophets for that matter

Note: Prophet Muhammad's (Peace Be Upon Him) first wife Bibi Khadija was 15 years older than him, but she was exceptionally awesome (Duh, she Married the PROPHET).

Guys on the other hand lose or redefine the essence of themselves when confronted with a particularly fantastic girl (as per their expectations). Men don't really care about the girls family, all what they really cares about is how she looks (shallow I admit) and if they can get along (Thumbs Up for Compatibility Check). The guy's family takes care of rest of the details.

Men are fools in Love. So cut us some slack when we look back in time and remember the glorious times when we were Single, Great at it and Positively Awesome. We gave it all up to spend our lives pleasing, growing with and appreciating one woman, and as emotionally sweet as that may sound, our genetics fight monogamy till the day we die.

Whether we go Pro or Retire from the Game all together, the choice is our own, but if we take the risk of love, we'll almost always lose, but we live for the dream of when we roll the dice and come up trumps.

For all of you incorrigible womanizers, 'Stay Thirsty, my Friends' and for your sake, I sure hope Hell is a Wanton Beer Garden.

Politics, Parenting or Pandering?

Society's pandering and preaching complicates any healthy degree of interaction between the sexes. Then again, I'm sure that's what parents (of women in particular) are heavily in favor off. But there are already enough impediments without the government wanting a piece of the action.

The Family Impediments: Let’s meet Mom & Dad; Chance of success of meeting their Daughters with their approval; Nil. Chance of Girl Meeting their Son; 50%

The Dad Issue: It's tough for a guy to get to know a girl in a healthy manner, and Fathers in particular, prefer it that way. As far Dads are concerned, the only boys their daughters ought to speak with are ones that doesn't exist. The 'Beti, Get yourself an imaginary friend' syndrome if you will. But, if a father see's his virile son 'hanging out' with girls, it's a sign of how masculine his son is and that its time to hand out Cigars and buy the boy his first Kalashnikov.

Mom Protection Agency: Moms are terrific, but let no one be fooled, these women are hell bent on protecting their daughters’ perceived ‘piety’, even if it means hiring their girls a personalized Black Water security detail. Instructions are simple, 'If you see a larka talk to her, shoot him'. On the flip side, if a mother sees her sons associating with the opposite sex, they immediately assume that the girl is trying to ‘trap’ him. What a world we live in.

There is some perception, that guys will pursue anything in a skirt, well that may be true, but girls in Pakistan don't wear skirts…in public, so parents don't need to worry.

Now, the government, in all of its boredom has decided to prioritize the moral protection of the youth. Apparently boys and girls talking via text and phone calls at night has become a national concern. So the Punjabi Assembly passed a resolution demanding that mobile companies stop promoting ‘cheap rate, late night packages that alter societal tendencies’ and simply ban them. Luckily for us, they haven’t yet discovered of ‘Instant Messenger’ or the ‘Internet’.

I hate to be the harbinger of bad news, but cheap mobile packages don't corrupt the youth, society corrupts the youth. The last generation grew up without cell phones, internet, cable television and Gossip Girl, and they've hardly turned out as bastions of virtue.

The Youth’s desire for a healthy communicative relationship doesn't evaporate because it gets a few bucks more expensive. They invest in relationships like the army invests in defense; often and expensively.

I can fume, I can cry or I can ridicule.

I’ve decided to go with ridicule.

So let’s help our virtuous virtuouso government out. What other inane acts of grand standing can they do to prevent the altering of societal tendencies in today’s youth?

They can start with the establishment of the Aunties United in Napalming & Tormenting the Youth Ministry; The AUNTY Ministry, will be responsible for Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice amongst the youth; They are committed to preventing vice by minimizing any interaction between boys and girls, they will promote virtue by…well, thats in next year's budget.

Their first act will be to recruit Aunty Disco Project to play at their launch ceremony and roll out their agenda.

1. Shopping Malls Law: Women will only be allowed to visit shopping areas for certain hours of the day. The Aunty Ministry can liberally whip (yes they will be issued made in china whips) the predominantly male shop owners at will...how they dare look at their customers during a good price haggling. Men are recommended to discover or launch a Pakistani version of E-Bay.

2. Face to Face Interactions Initiative: The solution is very simple; Don't let women leave their homes....ever, female parliamentarians can put a webcam up in the parliament and vote via G-Chat. In fact, the Aunty ministry will combine this in their recommendation for a massive expansion of online colleges and classes. How dare those boys be in a situation where they might even smell a girl !?!

3. Messenger & Email Laws: The Aunty Ministry will launch a multi-billion dollar initiative to destroy all Pakistani chat rooms and install state of the art spam blockers on individual accounts that prevent any online interaction…. I hate to break it to the Aunty Ministry, but we’re the ones who will be writing the programs for these firewalls, and odds are pretty good that we’ll find a way around them…just to prove that we can.

4. Gaming Zones Restrictions: Currently, these are man havens. Girls don't play video games, however in anticipation of the Mehndi version of Dance Dance Revolution & Rock Band, the Aunty Ministry recommends a ban for all women. Oddly, enough this will be the one proclamation that neither sex will be too bothered with. Win?

5. Restaurants Regulations: Close down all 'family' sections of restaurants, and keep video cameras that relay the footage on the web and allow parents (and the Aunty ministry) to track these scandalous couples, and appropriately punish them by lamenting how they shamed their last 29 generations. I always enjoy a good show with my dinner.

6. Education Policy: All institutions are to be single sex. Keep anything with a reasonable level of testosterone from entering girl’s schools (women won’t be entering all guy institutions), this would uplift female employment and reduce the number of dogs roaming around the premises. Men are recommended to actually attend school. (Note: The hair and makeup industry might go bankrupt).

The Big Idea:

Today’s 'youth' don't need paternalistic protectionist polices (though in our heart of hearts we are honored that our elected officials care...flattered really), however, we'd greatly appreciate it if they could focus their energies on prevalent issues like load shedding, unemployment, food prices etc.... that would be simply splendid of them.

Politicians are elected to govern, not to preach, particularly when their own track record sucks. Pity the youth don't vote….maybe we should?

A Pakistanily Correct Version was Reluctantly Published on Dawn.com

To All You Fabulous I Shit Glitter Folk

Why I Wrote This:

I am unfortunate enough to come across more than my own share of the 'fabulous' people, who wildly proclaim that they are sooo fabulous that they piss and shit glitter. Now the kicker is that these particular mutation of people aren't actually famous per say. But they just believe they are. Now, I know it's important for everyone to have a sense of self-importance, it's healthy and all that, but I rather not be involved in conversation with anyone involving how they are 'so famous, it's scary'...particularly as they are best described as Celeb leeches. 

I'm not exactly sure how it starts, but I imagine it has something to do with Facebook photographs and tagging. Once they get tagged standing next to someone 'famous', they get noticed and have something 'meaningful' to talk about for the next month, and soon an addiction kicks in. Suddenly, they consider themselves and their brushes/liaisons/insertions with relatively well known (broadly interpreting well known), as significant news that require frantic phone calls and multiple twitter updates.  

1. Celebrity Esteem: Just because you know, have hooked up with, or perhaps stole a sandwich from a mildly famous person doesn't mean you are particularly important. It means that you have low self esteem. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, after all, you make the rest of us feel better about ourselves. Being cool by association is sad. Be cool on your own damn right. Go climb K2 in a bikini whilst smoking a cigar or something. 

2. You are not Famous. Name dropping may sound grand in your own warped mind, but it's not. It doesn't make you cool, and it doesn't mean that I (or anyone else for that matter) noticed that it was you holding back a celebs hair when she was puking on camera. And why any one would like to draw attention to the fact that their moment of glory was Drunken Hair Management is beyond me. It's not like  anyone is going to put you on speed dial in case they need to revolt their latest meals contents and need your particular services. 

3. I Will Not Google You. If I did, I'm unlikely to follow your site, your twitter, your Facebook fan page, your blog or your official web page and I most certainly won't buy your Lance Armstrong style Magenta wrist band (FYI: wrist bands are over, and no you can't bring them back). Any fan mail you get is from your mother. 

4. You Do Not Warrant a Security Detail. No one is going to stalk you and people aren't going to swarm you at your local coffee shop. If you have security, hopefully it's to protect the general public from you.  

5. Stores Will Not be Shut down for You: If you walk into a store and have to start convincing the staff how famous and well known you are, and require that they shut the store down for your own personal safety, then the truth of the matter is that you are a nobody. Though the way the economy is going, odds are that the store will be empty anyway. 

6. Celebrity 'Free Stuff' Privileges: Celebs get free clothes where ever they shop, free meals where ever they eat. Odd considering they are the demographic that afford it, if you aren't gifted such items without asking, then you simply don't matter. Think of it as businesses feeling that there is nothing to gain from supplying their items to a glorified Celeb hanger on. Take a hint and bring your credit card with you when you decide to go shopping.  

7. No I haven't see You on TV: In a country with over 50 channels and growing, it's unlikely that the population continuously check the channels for your appearance. The real world doesn't watch or remember game show contestants. If you made a cameo appearance, I'm not going to be checking it out on YouTube and comment on how super star-esque you are. If I somehow do, I (and everyone else you coerce) will notice that you are the one whose made all the 'high five' comments.  If you are a VJ, and I did recognize you from a TV show, I'd mention it or have class and show nonchalance to ignore the fact that you flirt with random guys who have nothing to do on a Saturday night. Besides, how crappy are you that you have a show on a Saturday night? 

8. Quit with the Self promotion: If every conversation you have with people artfully steered towards what you said in your blog or in a conversation you had a with a famous person, I don't particularly care. You have a problem, and please, you are not allowed to 'quote' yourself. If you do manage to find a sycophant to make you a fan page, thats not cause for celebration, its cause to get sketched out. Get therapy...seriously

9. Not a Fan of being Famous Through You: No I don't want your wall paper on my desktop or want my photo taken with you and have the picture subsequently tagged on Facebook so people 'know' who I am. I couldn't care less. And honestly neither should you. Also I question those third tier losers who think it's neat to be cool by association to a person who thinks they are cool by association. 

10. Charitable Causes Doctrine: No I don't want to give to Haiti through a charity in your name. I think Pakistan has enough problems without sending money abroad. We still have displaced folk from the earth quakes not to mention a host of other problems...like people starving. However, if you wish to get mental treatment, I'd be happy to donate....as well as help stage your intervention. We can make it into a show even if it makes the process easier.

Big Idea:

I hate to be discriminatory, but you glorified Wannabe Celeb Hanger-Ons  annoy me. Superficiality should not be raised to the level of an art form. It should not be something to aspire to. People ought to develop their own self worth through their own achievements, and being friends with celebs is not an achievement of any sort. It's just a mark of how low our expectations of our selves can fall. 

Now, I hate to see people bask in their own brilliance (particularly if it's not me and it's not earned), but I truly do feel that some douchebags need to move out of LALA land, and perhaps give the real world a shot. Grow the Hell Up. 

Personal Assistants: Thumbs UP!

Why I Wrote This:

Everywhere I look around, people are busier, more stressed and just plain pressed for time. The electronic revolution makes it a bit too easy to book every second of your day, whether it's meeting, running errands or just being social. Sleep and spending time on your relationships is taking a back door to your work life. There needs to a balance.  

My solution is having a Personal Assistant. Personal assistants are awesome. I am of the firm belief that everyone (who can afford one) ought to have one. They are just so bloody useful in every possible context and you are guaranteed to have a life that's much easier to manage and much more fun.  

1. What Lines? No more standing in lines...ever. Passport office, McDonald's, License Bureau etc, you will always have a spot saved by your PA. Maximize your valuable time. Don't waste your life away standing in lines, particularly as you can get someone else to do it for you. This will also save you from having to make inane infuriating conversation with people also standing in line. You are better than that, you have a PA Dammit!

2. No More Errand Hopping: Don't have to waste time running crappy errands anymore. Ever. Your PA can take care of bills, shopping, market, buy crap, etc. If your PA buys something incorrectly and your wife gets mad, you can just blame it on the PA and absolve yourself of any blame. Dammit, you are waaay too important to spend your day at the freaking florist. 

3. Human Calender & Appointment book: PA can remind you of important meetings and pull you away from annoying people that you might be talking to. He can also be trained to introduce you to hot women and act as your wing man. No more Fat Chicks (thumbs up!). Also, more importantly, no more missed anniversaries and having to spend nights on the pull out couch. Solid Win. 

4. Aggression Management Training: Never be mad at your partner again. Take out all aggression on your Personal Assistant. Either through physical beatings or mental torture. Either of which can be televised via the web; the footage might even make a crappy yet profitable reality show. Your partner will also appreciate how nice you are to her and all of her friends will be insanely jealous of her (which is basically what she is interested in).

5. Someone to Talk To (or At): Good sounding board, you can talk to him almost like a friend, but ignore his advice and he won't mind. It's his job to listen. In fact, he'll know how tough your life really is and tell everyone he'll come into contact with just as much. He'll be your personal Public Relations director. Besides, you'll save a tonne of money on therapy. 

6. Plausible Deniability: Tell lies to your spouse, to your employees, and just random people just so you don't have to....think about it as sin prevention insurance. After all, you can't possibility be out with your friends (or your corporate mistresses) if your P.A swears upon his Mommas life that your in an important 3 AM meeting with Japan!!! 

7. Catering to your Needs: PA can act as advance scout for you when arranging or confirming meetings, he can tell the organizers what you like in terms of food, seating, allergies, diet, drinks etc. I personally hate it when I attend a meeting and all they have to offer is crap food that I don't love. Regardless of how the meeting goes, I'm going to be peeved off. Take care of me, and I'll take care of you. Listen to my PA, it's good for business. 

8. Excellent Legal Protection: Anytime the government or any law suit is placed against you, contend that your PA abused his position and took decisions without your knowledge. You are then in the clear and can sip Virgin Margaritas with your latest PA in Cancun. If Berni Madoff has a PA, he wouldn't be know 'Easy Suzy' in Jail (or in fact be behind bars).  

9. Fun to Show off: Not only will everyone think how important you are, but your friends (who are cool enough to have PA's) can compete on who can make their PA's do the most messed up things. You can also have your PA's fight each other and place bets. Female PA's will obviously earn a higher salary for such activities. 

10. Presence Substitution: You can send your PA to meetings you don't want to attend. After all, your a very important person, so you can send a senior member of your staff to an event that you desperately wanted to attend...because there is a special 24 Marathon on that night that's vital for um... business. 

The Big Idea:

Get over your stressed out life, and make some space for the more important things...like Me Time. And the best way to do that is by Exploiting your PA; It has a lot of tangible benefits. It's also legal via a rad legal agreement. Get a PA, reduce unemployment and live the life of a happy Baller. 

Reformed Banking- J-Model

I Love finance. The stock market, the company projections, the concepts, macro economic trends, having to care about Iraqi and Brazilian Oil Fields, I love it all (okay...maybe not so much the number crunching).

But it's an inherently unfair system, the people who get loans are the ones who already have significant money and assets lying around (generally in offshore accounts). What I'd like to see is a bank that'll give a homeless guy off the street a loan to start his own business. A bank that's both profitable and altruistic. I'm a dreamer I realize, and I thank God every day that I never tried LSD, Cocaine, or any other kind of banned substance, otherwise I'd really be tripping....loans for baby mama's maybe?

I think the world needs a new kind of bank, the kind that actually has some social development goals coupled with the profit motive that can actually uplift a country and change peoples lives for the better?

1. Don't give Loans, buy Equity: Make any business loans akin to a partnership for a specified period of time. The bank doesn't earn fees; it earns a share of the profits. This may result in Banks meddling with companies to make them more efficient, but I don't think that's a bad idea.

It sounds a bit like venture capital and private equity, but the key difference here is that the profits will be shared in equal proportion to the DEPOSITORS (Management gets a sweet stake too....If you want the best, you pay for the best). And yes, the depositors will still have access to their accounts as usual, but at the end of the year, they will receive a weighted average portion of profit. If the banks declares a loss, then the depositors lose money. It's that simple. Take it or leave, it's also completely Islamic for all of you people I get to call infidels for not agreeing with me.

2. Standards & Regulations: Require companies that the Bank does business with to meet minimum standards like actually paying a minimum wage, address environmental concerns and spend a portion of their profits on non-for profit charities.

I vote donations to the Charity of Knocked up Play Boy Bunnies....It'll be good for PR...I promise.

3. Private Loans Conundrum; Now individuals often need loans for education, weddings and perhaps a good oven toaster (everyone needs a good over toaster), the question is how do you make loans under my model? Well, as always, I have a solution.

Not only will the loan be based on their credit history, their salary slip, assets etc, but that persons severance package. No loan is to exceed that amount. Period. And a contract will be signed that they will directly debit the amount from their salary on a monthly basis and if they get fired their severance will be...Or we can just take the market value of their disposable organs and monthly blood and sperm donation revenue and factor that in....what? It's a Win.

4. This Greed is Good for an Economy: Businesses will be run more efficiently, entrepreneurs will have actual business partners, Corporations will only be on the hook for amounts that they use, The government will be assured more revenue as there will be greater documentation of taxation.

The government ought to be happy about it, because they'll be more money for them to steal/borrow. I expect imports of 100 year old Scotches, BMW's and space ships to sky rocket....oh and sugar, Pakistani like their sugar.

5. Who would invest in such a Awesome model: I think the IMF, World Bank, Asian Development bank to name a few might be a tad bit interested in this sort of innovative model. Buffet and Soros like minded people might think its a good idea to park their idle cash in a system that promotes innovation and strong returns. Any excess cash can always be parked in other banks and financial institutions using liquid'ish debt instruments.

If you think about it, what the bank will be doing is entering into partnership with businesses and that assures them a share of any profits made, which thanks to efficient measures could be higher interest.

Obviously this would be balanced down by businesses that don't perform well, but that's when the debt revenue comes in handy to cushion losses. So theoretically it works....Must drink more red bull to delve deeper.

6. It Breeds Entrepreneurs: Banks themselves will help build, train and give experience to future entrepreneurs who manage their 'loan' portfolio, the next generation can get into the nuts and bolts of how to set up, run and efficiently manage a business.

The reason why so many people are corrupt is largely because they have no other way to increase their earnings rather than make more at their current jobs through....out sourcing themselves. By having programs that breed entrepreneurs, people who have no other means to make decent money have avenues for future opportunities.

Small Businesses create more jobs that big ones. And Banks can help....because it makes them money....oh and we care...a lot....seriously.

7. Promote Efficiency and Actual Credit Standards in Banks! Banks would become lean efficient machines that would have very low rates of delinquent loans, because their own profits would be directly on the line. No more 'friendly' loans. A business better have a pretty compelling power point and business plan on why it needs money.

Banks earning would go through the roof. Particularly as it's shareholders are literally everywhere. If their are some negligent morons (as there probably will be), firing them will be a public monthly spectacle where shareholders will be invited to bear witness...Sell tickets and popcorn, it'll increase revenue.

8. Banks have a Solid reason to care about their Customers: Currently, banks do what's best for the shareholders first and depositors second. Push comes to shove, they'll tack on higher fees on the depositors to keep the share holders happy. Now by making them both one and the same, it gives the bank access to it's shareholders funds, as well as it's depositors to induce better returns.

This might give the clientele a huge power trip, but there will be a lot less Customers put on hold while folks go on their 3rd tea break of the morning.

9. Give Preferential Loans to Women. They carry men's babies and need something to do during the day, have programs that help them run businesses from their homes, be it web based, sewing, writing etc.

Give some special loans for really cool innovative businesses like a Bungee Jumping facility (I love the idea of bungee jumping).

10. Invest in your Employees, expand EVERYONE'S Horizons: Offer educational programs and opportunities to everyone within the organization. I don't care if it's the maid or the CEO, everyone is entitled to the same opportunities as everyone else. If they want to go to school or gain a degree, the company ought to be obligated to cough that cash up.

It's fair and it's good PR. The costs can be mitigated by educational loan financing or that body part collateral thingy I talked about. If a bank is truly going to succeed, it needs to realize that it's merely the sum of the people that are working there. The truth is that most banks have awful work cultures, and people feel stifled by the lack of freedom.

The more educated a banks employees they are, the more they can contribute to realm of ideas on how to improve that bank. Ivy league grads are going to have a hard time figuring out how to expand their banks presence in depressed areas, but someone from that area who has gained educational opportunities through the bank is likely to be more valuable. It breeds good will in the industry. End of the day, it's good for business to local solution via the natives of the area.

The Big Idea:

The Greatest countries in the world are ones where small innovative businesses have thrived, thanks to the freedom and sources of capital to match their dreams. They have the avenues for their citizens to gain opportunities for a better life. That's meritocracy, and the J-Model of Banking can take us one step closer to opening up that dream for others (and make a butt load of money). Banks are the forefront of change.

Governments are too big, corrupt, unwieldy, inefficient and just plain unaccountable. Banks are the only sector that actually are connected to the rest of the economy and the country.

Getting a loan is hard, as it should be, but let's make it a little bit more fair.

Newspapers Suck

Why I Wrote This:

Newspapers suck, they are depressing to read and just plain awful by virtual any metric; full of bad grammar, incomplete sentences, rhetoric driven ideas, inane articles and just plain bat shit dribble.

As one can imagine, these traits tend to annoy me. I'm a very understanding fellow, but even I have my limits with regards to partisanship, stupidity and the promulgation of inferiority in a mediocre business.

The facts been made clear to me that Newspapers have a tough time making ends meet with the meteoric rise of the Internet, increasing number of news media channels and heavily slashed corporate advertising budgets.....MAN THE FUCK UP!

Excuses are useless, what solutions does the industry have? Are they really that devoid of ideas that these self proclaimed protectors of freedom, democracy and a good cup of tea really need to whine....all the time. What's next a subsidy on printing paper? 

Everyone ought to be allowed to whine for about two minutes, then you have to be a grown up and find solutions, or deservedly get fired.

Here are some ideas for this retarded segment of the media industry; I figured I ought to help out......after all, I write for some publications free lance and feel humiliated whenever I find misspellings, faulty analysis and terrible fact checking glorified on the front and back pages (those morons are super consistent, I'll give them that).

1. Fire the Editorial Morons: Fire the Editors and Hire high school level English grammar teachers; at the very least they'll sort out the awful grammatical mistakes these guys take for granted, (Note: unless you are as famous as an American Rapper you are not allowed to misspell words and expect it to be okay); Currently, the readers simply assume that the writers can't write, and the editors can't edit. The best newspaper award is a celebration of mediocrity, the bar ought to be raised.  

In the midst of this ethnic cleansing style gutting of newspaper head honchos, I'd humbly suggest that they eradicate the self proclaimed master word smiths who like to glorify themselves with their all encompassing 'Queens English' vocabulary....remember, this is Pakistan, not every one has a SAT vocab you freaking snobs! and most of the Pakistanis that do, don't actually live here.

These newly converted editors will also give the articles some flow and make them easier to understand....also threaten to fire them every 3 months....just in case some of them get lazy and start getting comfortable with the perks of a Press card.

2. Stop with the Conspiracy theories....Seriously: These have gotten very old. Report news, Newspapers are not a glorified gossip column. Get over the whole 'the Government is oppressing the media drama by not letting us go into a War zone crap'...It's a fucking War Zone you cluster fucking idiots!...if you go and die, it doesn't make you idiots look any better, though it would be a what up! to evolution if the Government did decide allow unfettered access.

Basically, this perpetual soap opera is getting boring, it's old, it's expected, its not shocking. Oh and quit blaming the Jews for everything, we mess up things fine ourselves and we ought to freaking learn the word 'accountability'...and so should you. If you are going to publish these idiotic conjectures, at least have the decency the name your sources. Man Up!

3. They are Newspapers, not Hate-papers: The Newspaper shouldn't be cited as the leading cause for suicide. Stop making reading the morning newspaper so damn depressing. Yes things in Pakistan are not perfect, but reading any paper cover to cover on a daily basis just makes me ashamed to be a Pakistani and I really don't need that on a daily basis.

Where is the hope? In some glib one liner at the end of a critical piece hoping that the powers that be pay attention? Newspapers in Pakistan make it's reader pessimistic about the future of Pakistan. Assholes, we don't need your help with that. Try to find something about Pakistan that even skeptics can take pride in and promote that. This is the only country we have, fingers crossed we have more going on than yet another political rally.

4. Comics are Amazing: I want more cartoons, comics are the things that got me to read the news paper in the first place. I find them interesting, and today's kids are tomorrows readers. Oh and cartoons are supposed to be entertaining, quit with the education oriented bullshit scripts. Comics make people smile, and eager to check out the days newspaper. That's the attitude that one needs to promulgate. 

5. Here We Are now, Entertain Us: Entertaining news articles and comment pieces, and most importantly, they ought to be written in a way that's both funny and compelling. Say what you will about the Onion but it'll always make you laugh with it's ridiculousness. A paper should have sections that make you look forward to reading it, not dreading the stack as a whole.

6. Show me the Pretty: Hire a graphics designer and redo all of the layout, currently, they are ugly, hard to navigate and not exactly intuitive. Make it easy on the eyes without becoming a cheap tabloid. Trust me, it's possible, papers all over the world do it. Please don't defend the layout with tradition, if you think that's a good enough reason to maintain the status quo, then perhaps newspapers do belong in the museums along with the rest of the historical artifacts. 

7. Pictures of Hot women: Men like hot women, I don't care how they incorporate them, but you need hot women. Worked in the UK, and we all know Pakistani's love our colonial roots. Mother's all over are still looking for the fairest dame for their sons and Face Whitening Creams sales are still through the roof. Hot Women + Full Page Layouts = Sales.

8. Wing Down: Stop withs the wings, right wing agenda, left wing agenda, could you please quit it and find a way to present these pesky things call facts, construct a story and actually debate theories on their merits? Try it, it's a unique concept to Pakistani journalism.

9. Politicians Suck...News Flash...We Are Aware: Please realize that the entire readership is aware that all of the Politicians we elect are very corrupt, but we elect them anyway. Beating your chests with grand self importance doesn't change that fact.

It's the price we pay for 'Democracy'. We've already done the math, catch up. 

10. Make Newspapers Shorter: There is no point in publishing 20 pages of 'News' everyday if only 3 are worth reading. People don't have the time to flip through an entire bloody paper, make it concise, and make it memorable. Get rid of the mass volume of space fillers. Quantity should always we sacrificed for quality. 

People don't read the newspaper anymore, they skim through them, the only people who have the time to actually read the entire newspaper are Retirees and House wives, and even they have lives. If Papers want to remain relevant, they had better start catering themselves to their customers, because the truth is that the next generation will just use online sources and quit their subscriptions. 

11. Online is the Future: Build a decent news site that isn't perpetually understaffed and has the capacity to actually delivers real time news, let readers add comments to each news piece published, making it more interactive (everyone has an opinion). Have videos embedded in the articles themselves to play clips of the news, add some commercials and voila; more ad revenue. Oddly enough traffic will increase as well....now how about that?

The Big Idea;

The industry has become a microcosm of whats wrong in Pakistan, widely praised substandard journalism, coupled with shitty editorial work and a pious holier than thou art attitude, all make reading a newspaper in Pakistan to be a completely useless exercises.

We have papers subscriptions out of habit, but at the current rate the Internet and news channels are expanding, we'll stop seeing the point. And then the media industry are the ones who have to pay. I'm not really concerned about the top level guys, competent or not, they'll find gigs, its the rank and file that get to suffer, and journalism as a whole will suffer. 

End of the day, the media industry as a whole needs to strive to be better, make themselves more relevant as opposed to hiding behind their legacies and near monopolies. In the not so distant future, they won't be worth more than a bucket of spit. Show Some Damn Innovation. 

Perhaps Newspapers have to die before Journalism is reborn?