Why I feel Sorry for Models

I have nothing against models or modeling as a profession, infact I think they provide a terrific public service, but I do have the deepest sympathy for them. 

The prance and pose in commercials, magazines, advertisements and corporate events and help set a brand's image. Wal-Mart gets their message out with Wholesome looking folk shopping at their mega stores (Due to their size, they usually need alot of models). Whilst edgier brands like Victoria Secret need drop dead gorgeous glamour gals.   

However, my sympathy is well directed to the spindly, painfully off balanced bodied Models that need to remain skinny enough to be considered acceptable by fashion gurus and media power brokers alike. 

Now, I'm not going to go into the viability or extreme pressure these girls are going through (I'm sorry, if you're a male model, you're doing it for the girls, and if your gay, your doing for the clothes). Conforming with societies expectations of models is hard enough, to be a successful model, can imagine how much of a bad girl you have to be? No longer can you just be chucked out of a club (do you know how hard it is for a hot girl to get thrown out of a club....hell some club owners would rather keep their puke as an inhouse momento rather than let them leave), but you have to be thrown out with style. 

Think being thrown out because not only did you wreck the entire VIP section (as was expected, though peeing on the walls will leave challenging stains to remove) and snort a line of oreo shaped coke off the bouncers shiny bald head, but because you defecated into the fish tank whilst taking shots with 13 year olds (Teen is the new 21). Even then, they may laugh and decide to let the fish die, throw the 13 year old bar stars out, whilst the bouncer Ebay's his scalp. 

What makes a model a model; being hot and thin. Extra skills are added bonuses, but as long as they are the reincarnation of Helen of Troy and Bambi (with less weight), they are good to go. But they have to slim down to get to where they need to be.

 

Now let's say, you're a model and are being advised to follow the Kate Moss's 3C's and 1V 'Rock Chic' diet, comprising of cigarrettes, coffee, champagne and vodka (I believe a substitution can be made for cocaine once the cigs stop helping). 

You're basically having an almost zero calorie intake (I think) and are being asked to function like a normal working human being.....One may say Appalling, but I say Bravo. Insanity personafied, but that is what extreme dedication is. Going the extra mile, and in a cutt throat industry like modeling, ofcourse it's going to be a little bit more extreme. 

I don't know how I could function at my job without my daily regimen of tea, let alone 3 square meals (btw, what food is actually square other than Wendy's burger patties?...which models will never be allowed to eat).   

People complain how models are bitchy and notoriously difficult to work with. Firstly its a numbers game, if they are mean to ten people in a day, and brighten up the lives of 4 million, then I think it's a pretty justifiable cost. Particularly as we don't really care about the ten martyrs. 

When you're eating less than you're actual body requirements, you do become dumber, the brain gets less nutrition and is less likely to function properly (or think at all for that matter). The brain barely has enough energy to remind the heart to keep beating as opposed to figuring out where Haiti is. 

Imagine if you haven't eaten (properly....in years), you're not allowed to eat, because every ounce you put on you'retiny malnourished little frame may as well be a pound of tummy fat. Your career is directly proportionate to the success you have in losing weight and looking hot. As human beings grow older, the harder that gets. So when Kate Moss is prancing around in her 30's looking supremely modelesque, I applaud her. 

So if you see a model, give them a smile and thank them for their contribution to society, and offer them a sandwich....no one that beautiful ought to go hungry. 

 

They're starving (and hot), be Nice to them. 

End of the World: FINAL 3

Imagine if Armageddon happened tomorrow, okay, maybe you don't think it's possible, so I'll tell you how it can conceivably occur. 

An armoured tank division from India gets lost and slips into Pakistan, fearing the worst Pakistan launches nuclear strikes (we also nuke Bangladesh for good measure; 1971 retribution), In retaliation India launches their Nukes at Pakistan. Iran launches their Nukes at Israel (Jews are obviously behind everything...duh). Israel launches their Nukes at the entire Arab world. Russia and China Launch their Nukes, America Launches their nukes (Obama decides he needs to look tough in the eyes of the world and nukes everybody....plus redneck country) and finally the Europeans finish gobbling down their freaking Danish and get in on the action. 

North Korea attempts to launch their Nukes, but they blow up in their silos. All remaining countries who may conceivably have nukes (Venezuela, Brazil, Nigeria, South Africa etc) launch them too (Contrary to popular belief, no terrorist organization has any). Eventually, the radiation and nuclear fall out is so catastrophic that the world in a adolescent boy style state of heat. The countries not completely nuked out of existence would have mushroom cloud cover, extinguishing all life (take that Australia)  

So, now that I've made my point. Who is left. Well, obviously no ordinary human could withstand this destruction. 

The question is that who could possibly survive this immense destruction? 

God, Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris

Jack Bauer because he is in CTU and has taken special drugs to withstand all manner of destruction. We are pretty certain he's not human. He does more in a day by himself than most countries. 

Chuck Norris, because he was taking a nap on Venus, because that was the only place whose women he hadn't shagged....he was in the process of pulling Venus apart rock by rock when the attack happened. (He already tore Mars apart because of his Daddy issues). 

God is God. I'm trying to be on his good side lately. 

What would they do? 

Trash Talk; God about making the world in 7 days, Bauer talking about saving the world in 24 hours and Chuck Norris for round house kicking the devil, and still having the Devils tooth lodged in his gleaning boot. God pokes fun at Jack Bauer for saving the world from a nuclear blast...oh wait he didn't...wuss. 

Get Man Tans: Ohk, God doesn't need a tan, but since he is everywhere, he'll like the heat wave. When Chuck Norris removes his shirt, several nukes will explode off the coast of Japan, because he's so powerful. Jack Bauer will show off his bad ass scars, and when he tans, you'll see that the scars are all strategically planned to say "I banged your wife before coming here' across his chest. There is also a scar that resembles a teddy bear fused with a shark. 

Go Hunting: Who can kill the most roaches by just farting. Chuck Norris is ahead due to his love of Beans, whilst Salad loving Jack whimpers and kills only a pathetic 2.5 million rodent sized roaches. However, God gets pissed when he realizes that's the cockroaches are his only remaining creatures. 

Fight Off: God plays mediator as Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris fight to prove who the toughest is. They started fighting on Tuesday, and haven't stopped yet. Chuck was particularly pissed that after administering a gargantuan array of round house kicks, that Jack, climbed into Chuck's Ass and started beating him in their. Chuck subsequently round house kicks himself in the ass, and now his boot is stuck inside Jack Bauer's anus. Needless to say, they are both very butt sore. God finds it really funny and has decided to call the move the BauChuck pounding manoeuvre.

Target Practice: Both Jack and Chuck swallow a bunch of bullets and start shooting at Mt. Rushmore from Michigan to see who can best make Washington look like. No guns are left in the world, so the shots are fired from their only remaining weaponry....

God keeps score and occasionally makes George Washington look like Obama to mess with Jack and Chuck.

Smoke Off: Find any and all remaining carcasses (Human, Scorpion and otherwise), roll them into big blunts, and smoke them. Whilst reminiscenting about the good old days where they had fresh uranium omelets for breakfast, watered down with a cool glass of Piranha sewage water....with live Piranha still in them. 

Play Checkers: Because all the pieces have been incinerated, they use asteroids instead. God always wins....duh. So Chuck and Jack go back to fighting. For extra fun, they even take rides through black holes. 

Talk about Babes: Nothing says masculinity than recounting how many dames a guy has shagged. However, because of the awesome virility if the survivors, they recount the hot girls they hadn't shagged and never got to. 

Jack: 'Bro, that girl was going to be hot, she'll be 18 next week'

Chuck: 'Man, I follow tribal law, all they have to do is hit puberty, nice job God'

God: 'You know it, I kept telling Jesus that women are wonderful cretins, I meant creatures, but he kept putting it off; Ha, I sure taught him.'

Jack: That's cruel....yet not unsurprising.

God: I'm just messing around, though there is something to be said about Tough love, totally worked in Moses....do you know how many wives he got?!

Chuck: Word...though I would have just round house kicked his ass. 

 

Martyrdom = Seventy Two Virgins = Freaking Nightmare

Now, I keep hearing that the reason all of these Jihadists are so inclined on blowing themselves up is for God's ultimate reward of 72 Virgins. Now if Muslims actually believed this, there would be (a hell of a lot) more than the 40 or so suicide bombers in a year...for the love of God, there are over a Billion Muslims. 

These remarkably short life spanned chaps do it, because they are unhinged, they are morons and figure if they are going to kill themselves, they may as well get some credit for it....and say God said it was OK, so they're peeps can be proud of them and tell everyone there is a 'Welcome to Heaven' halo on their heads. Needless to say, their mental faculties are compromised (or mis-wired). But this whole concept brought a new line of questioning to my mind....

Q1. Who is the complete cluster fucking idiot who thought that seventy two virgins? 

It's from an unreliable guy, who heard it from a guy, who heard from a guy, who claimed that the Prophet said it, completely unverified and the guy has a spotty record/memory. A bunch of the sayings he attributed to Prophet Muhammad have already been disproved.....including this one.  

Q2. How did it become the epitome of God's greatest reward? 

If this imbecile is somehow still alive someone ought to take a loaded pistol, shove it up his ass, and keep pulling the trigger (remember to take the safety off!) till you hear the gun click......reload and repeat exercises. If the sewage spewing mind molester is dead, then I'm sure God's got me covered.

I have no idea beyond this. I refuse to conduct research as I believe all knowledge gathering outside of the Quran is a western conspiracy designed to cloud our pure Islamic minds. 

Ever wonder why there are so few Jihadist suicide bombers? It's very simple. It's evolution. Only the most stupid human being would think that it's a blessing to have to live and appease 72 chicks, hence, they are the morons who get to die (preferably before passing on their genes). To prove it, Islam allowed 4 wives. 

Now find me a single suicide bomber who has more than a single wife (that isn't clinically insane.... which would actually explain a lot).

Women are highly complex mind altering creatures, and the truth is that being with just one of them will cause cancer, ulcers, brain hemorrhaging, and that's before your married (if you want proof, check out Bridezillas). Now do yourself a favour and multiply that by the power of 72.  

Every man, with half a brain (or old enough to experience a relationship), has considered this, and has swiftly passed out from the potential trauma (this is why men like taking naps...we have long recovery periods). It's a completely stupid idea. 

Can imagine all the girl drama? Typical groups of girls (5-6) are bad enough, but I can't imagine what 72 virgins will do to a man psyche. Chatter, Chatter, Chatter....and you'll be the one 'impartial' mediator....Good Luck playing Daddy and Husband with the same horde of women all day (If your into that sort of thing, I doubt your in Gods goods books anyway). 

How do you explain how you love them all equally....to 72 women!!! Be careful or they'll string you up and tear you open like a pinata, although that's what you deserve for wanting such a ludicrous thing.  

Since women are the ones with the power in any relationship (it's a fact, check wikipedia), they are the ones who get to decide who gets the lucky martyr for the night....and how exactly do they do that amicably? Rock Paper Scissors? 

Forget friendly pillow fights, think more Jail house brawls. That's a dangerous collection of estrogen (a Class A felony drug if there was any), and your the only guy, but the end of your first week you'll be looking into Sex Change operations. 

Whilst one may currently be praying for 72 Virgins now, once you get them, you'll be praying for Viagra....not to mention a shot gun to blow your own brains out. 

Q3. Is this Logical?

My Logic is impeccable, if you don't believe me, check out my formula.

Step 1. Martyrdom = Seventy Two Virgins = Freaking Nightmare

Step 2. Martyrdom = Something only a Moron who hates his life pursues

Step 3. Something only a Moron who hates his life pursues = Seventy Two Virgins

The Big Idea

Life is hard, living the life of a good person (let alone Muslim) is hard. 

The truth is that we all, in some way or the other, come short.

To kill yourself and others in the name of religion is a cop out, and one that God isn't likely to fall for.

Instead, why don't you (Cluster Fucking) Martyrs, try Living for Islam and bettering the world around you.

Even if you fail, at least you won't harm anyone and hey, you might do some Actual Good.

A New Afghan Strategy

I thought I ought to help out Ol Barry (Barack Obama) and get him a functional Afghan strategy,whats more is that I want him to win re-election (he's not going to at his current rate of success). I'll tell you right now, the surge won't work. however, I do have some helpful ideas. 

1. Feed Them! The Food in Afghanistan sucks. Is there any country in the world with crappy food and happy people? I think not. Opening multiple chains of McDonald's, KFC's Subways, Pizza Huts etc will do much appease the people. 

McDonald's can launch The Mc Afghan (Quarter pound of grilled Lamb meat....no buns), Mc Turban (a healthy multi layered chicken wrap infused with the smell of poppy leaves....munchies guaranteed), McBurqa (Fish Tacos laced with a tinge of staleness) and the McMullah (A healthy triple decker beef burger choked in cooking oil served with a side of holy water). 

Afghans typically are illiterate, so they wouldn't understand the dietary country, but they'll understand the deliciousness. The better fed they are, the less big deal the countries mess up state will be.

2. Open Smut Houses! Afghan's love watching movies and adore the cinematic experience.A movies success is directly proportional to the size of the heroines butt and amount of shaking in the movie. Nature dictates that Men like seeing Hot women doing terrible degrading things, it sure beats going to nearby football field and watching the same being done between guys. 

Start opening dedicated porn/smut houses and I can guarantee you that the Afghans will find a way to guard the houses. It'll bring people together, tribal affiliations won't matter, instead they'll get block buster style memberships and be united. 

3. Turbans Rock Tour! There is nothing like music, mosh pits and rock and roll to spread happiness. Have Peace promotion concerts with Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys, U2 (....ohk, that ones for me, tickets are hard to come by dammit), Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson. You read right. Get a Michael Jackson look alike and have him perform a national tour. Conveniently enough, Afghans have no idea what he looks like (or that he's dead) and are unsure to his exact ethnicity. 

So the upside is that if one or two Michael's end up perishing during the tour, hey no worries....lots of starving musicians out there. They can even name him Mohammad Jackson for the tour and tack on some facial hair (much to the sadness of the sodomizing community). The more famous musicians will be on board because they've wanted to try fresh Afghan dope. 

4. Transmit Liberalism! Directly beam in translated Western channels for free. Afghan's already love Friends (they are planning to kill Satan incarnate Joey Tribbiani, but he's so damn adorable), Prison break (They think it's an informational documentary and are waiting for the Guantanamo bay season) and House (Greg House's brand of tough love reminds them of their Daddy issues, besides, they are curious about this whole hospital healing concept....groovy). 

Afghanistan will be the first country (outside Europe) that will get free porn channels! Now there is a reason to live. I'm sure US can override any traditional Afghan news channels...oh wait they don't have any. 

5. Tactical Replacements! Replace all pain killer medicine with Viagra. The upside is all Afghans will perpetually be in heat and will only have sex on their mind (Men are incapable of using both heads at once....the lower head takes priority), rather than anything anti-western.

The number of marriages will be bursting at the seem and this will increase the standard of living, as well as increase economic activity. However, this may negatively impact the prevailing rate of sodomy in the country. But hey, you win some, you lose some. 

6. Tours of Booty! Make prostitution an offense that requires having a tour of duty, by duty I mean booty, in Afghanistan. World Wide prostitution rates will fall (or be legalized) and these lucky ladies (and men) will have the most awesome tan in the world, before they are allowed to return home. 

Also we can expect many of these women marry the local lads (and potentially lasses), so the ethnic breakup of Afghanistan will change. Incidentally Islam allows 4 wives, but that's fine, as the lasses are already be accustomed to sharing and being treated badly and in fact are highly trained role players. 

7. Move to the Beat: Hallelujah Halal Yo! Release musical tracks with caricature of Mullahs rapping in Afghani (its called Pushto), make it sound pseudo religious, infused with the Jesus I love every body. Peace TV eat your heart out. The tunes will be so darn catchy, that everyone will be humming along to them, the tunes can even be stolen from old backstreet boy tracks. 

In fact they'll be able to get ring tones and download tracks from cellular providers. Tech Savvy Mullah are the Bomb....alright, poor choice of words. 

8. Adopt an Afghan! Due to the war there are already so many orphans roaming around, it'll be a hot new market for the Madonnas and Angelina Jolie's of the world. Tourism industry will boom and their are more than enough orphans to go around. 

Have Obama's adopt an Afghan baby. So much money will poor in from NGO's and other development agencies looking to curry favor from Obama's progeny, that Afghanistan will be reconstructed in the blink of an eye.

9. Hell Hath No Fury As A Women Scorned: The biggest misconception that everyone has about Afghan society is the men are all powerful; this is an utter lie. Get it Right.  

The men (like most men) are scared shit less of their wives. They all come home everyday praying that they're wives (all 4 of them) don't beat the living shit out of them (This is why men are always heavily covered and have beards, to compensate for their facial scars and to enhance their masculinity...its freaking boiling in there). Trust me, its for good reason. Have you seen Afghan Women....they are like special ops...always under the dark cover of anonymity. Freaking Deadly.

Ever wonder why guys are so willing to and fight for God? because they're looking for a reason! They figure that if they fight and die for God, they'll get 70 Virgins...and be far far away from the women in their family. 

Women folk are the ones that get super pissed when the fruit of their loins get killed. Afghans have huge families, if a kid passes dies (usually from inadequate health care), Men are like we have like 8 others, but a women looks at that loss with emotional rage thinking that's one perfectly healthy kid and 9 months of work down the fucking drain!!! 

Do you know how hard it is to tend to a poppy field with only 8 kids...that's screwing with our working capital (Afghan women are very business minded, particularly as their husbands are always playing 'Whose an Infidel' with their friends). What the Hell! Now we have to have yet another kid? Death to the Infidel. 

The solution is to appease Afghan women by providing loads of free cosmetics, clothing, sanitizer wipes, vacuum cleaners, toasters etc. Stop dumping the crap in Africa, they don't have electricity! At least the Afghans have drug dollars and the odd solar panel. 

10. Teach them How to Play American Football: I'm actually serious, for the serene Japanese, baseball worked just fine to further the liberal Satanistic agenda, however, the Taliban are tougher lot. American football is the cure. It has ample weed smoking breaks and instead of using pig skins, alligator hides will be sufficient. 

If the Alligator is still alive, all the better, because they are manly like that. No Helmet or padding required.....safety guards are for wusses. This would be the perfect outlet for their rage, leaving the rest of their days as totally chill out zones.  

The Big Idea

No one, has the perfect solution, but instead of trying to formulate the government, building unused (and soon to be bombed) buildings and putting together a 'national' army, just try helping the people. 

The real problem isn't the corruption, it's the desire to appease the government and power brokers, as much influence as they have, they have no stake in letting Nato's boys leave Afghanistan. The key is empowering the people, worst comes to worse, you'll make their lives a little better. I get it, it's a novel concept, but it's worth a try things can't get any worse, at the current rate, they'll elect Osama Bin Laden.

The God & Suicide Bomber Story

Another day and yet another gruesome attack, this time a Shia procession and a subsequent attack at a Hospital. I can barely mourn for the dead anymore, this wave of violence has gone on for so long, than even the most squeamish amongst us has become increasingly desensitized to these attacks.

However, this time around, I can't help but lament over the nature of the targets. Military bases, government institutions, symbols of liberalism (such as co-ed schools) I can somewhat understand, perhaps in some warped way justify to myself that would make these targets tenable for the massacres inflicted.


However, when it comes to bombing a hospital, any esoteric weaving of logic I was able to do dissipates. They attacked a hospital, a place which they knew would be overflowing with the injured from Jihadist's earlier attack on the procession is simply unconscionable.

A hospital is a place of healing, regardless of who the patient is, what views they ascribe to. In fact, I doubt most hospitals even know what views (religious, political or otherwise) their patients hold. It's mindless, senseless and just brutal.


How do they know that the hospital wouldn't contain those who may actually support their agenda, it's not like they have a mailing list (the post office and computers are apparently tools of the infidel).


The isn't a war, Islamic and otherwise; its murder, plain flat and fucking simple. At the most basic level, in a war, civilian casualties are a by-product, not the goal.


Now in my pissed off state, I imagined a conversation God would have with one of these recently deceased self proclaimed 'Jihadist', I decided to call him Billy Islamacide, not only because his initials BI can also stand for butt fucked imbecile, but because the name Billy reminds me of billy goats, who are blessed with the most unfortunate scraggly facial hair and Islamacide is a good meld for mass murder using Islam as justification.


This is how I feel the story would go....

Once upon a time, there was a Suicide Bomber named Billy Islamacide, he attacked a hospital, died gloriously and went to meet God, so that he may be justly rewarded....

God: Welcome to the after life, Billy.
Billy Islamacide: Thank you my Lord, I am grateful to be here. I trust you are aware of the great sacrifices I have made in your name. I have killed many infidels and spread your glorious message of Islam, like the Prophet, his companions and missionaries before me.
God: You're not very smart Billy, I am God, I already know what you've done.
Billy: Of course, how silly of me. That's great! I imagine you must be very pleased with me!
God: Pleased doesn't quite justify how I feel.
Billy: I lived only to serve! I trust that you may be forgiving of my shortcomings. I strove to be the best Muslim I knew how to be, but I beg for your tolerance, I am imperfect.
God: Live to serve?...May I remind you that you are dead. Is Islam not a religion of tolerance?
Billy: Yes, and I have taken great pains to promulgate that message, we are extremely tolerant of those who follow the true message of Allah.
God: Billy, do you know what tolerance means?
Billy: er...sort off, but I think it's being nice to people, who don't always agree with you. For example, my homeboy Asad, I apologize for his lateness he should be here shortly, we're attacking a market tomorrow, thinks the Prophets favourite color was White, whilst I was like, haha silly boy, I am sure the Quran says that our glorious Prophets favored black, hence why the Mullahs wear black robes!
God: Prophet Muhammad's favourite color was green. He liked greenery, in fact he would water trees himself and ordered the Armies of Islam to not cut trees or cause such destruction on their war marches. As I am the one who composed the Quran, I can assure you that there is nothing in there about Prophet Muhammad's favourite color.
Billy: Oh...haha, of course, I must have misread that. Asad will find this so funny when he gets here....haha.
God: Billy, Have you read the Quran?
Billy: Of course I have, it is the most glorious perfect book in existence! In fact, its the only one I own. I burnt all the others!
God: Billy.....
Billy: Ok, I might have been stretching the truth there, I do own some issues of Play boy....
God: Billy....
Billy: Alright, Alright, I also have some issues of Butt Wild Gay Cowboys, but it was only for research purposes, you must know your enemy! and I was planning to burn them.
God: Billy, you can't read. Your followers think you can, but you don't.
Billy: Yes, my Almighty God, but in my defense I have recited and learned many verses from the Quran. Even though we were missing several holy pages, we were able to um...replace them.
God: and how was that Billy?
Billy: Well, we went into greater detail about killing fake Muslims and non-Muslims, just as you desired...
God: I did not desire it. Did your Prophet not live side by side with Jews, Christians and Idol Worshippers and treat them fairly?
Billy: Well, I don't remember reading that, but I'm sure his purpose was to eventually convert them to Islam by showing them the right path....
God: Then if that is the example he set, he allowed them free will, as is the right of every human being, why couldn't you do the same? You chose to make your point by killing your fellow man, MY CREATIONS, how is that not Murder?
Billy: It's not Murder, its Jihad! I did it for you, my Lord. I did it out of love, in hope that you would reward me! My intentions were pure. They were fake Muslims! They didn't follow your word! They deserve to die, at the very least this way they are an example for those who do not believe!
God: Your intentions were as pure as poison. What displeases me the most isn't that you killed, but you killed in my name, killed Muslims. You pretended to be a learned Islamic Cleric, whereas you hadn't fulfilled the most basic criteria. BTW, it is my prerogative to recognize who is a Muslim and who is not. If I wanted Non-Muslims dead, I would do it myself. You failed me.
Billy: But, they served as motivation to guide others to the right path and I am charitable, I fed, clothed and educated a dozen children!
God: Motivation and coercion are two different things. You stole children from their families and brain washed them with your doctrine of hate, whiles twisting my message of Love and tolerance. They was no real love, they were merely a means to an end. You intended to use them as an army of suicide bombers and you know that to be true as surely as I am God.

Billy: Are you sure your not Satan trying to play tricks on me?

God: No, but if I was, the trick I'd play was to let you think that you were getting a palace with 70 gorgeous virgins, whilst actually putting you in a dungeon with 70 rapists and murderers; All of whom are quite keen to score points with me by making you their raggedly doll bitch.

Billy: So what your saying is.....no 70 Virgins?
God: No, but I hear Satan has a pineapple strap on that he's looking to try, interestingly it's actually morphed with a porcupine and shark teeth. He sent me a picture from his I-Phone, you want to see? I even made an app for it.
Billy: God, no, please! But you're the most merciful, can't I repent somehow. Perhaps pray or compose a hip hop beat for the Quran?
God: Let me put it this way you illiterate cluster fucking idiot, if all of your victims, were willing to forgive you, which I can assure you that they are not, and even if they do, their progeny would not, you robbed them of their fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters. When it's all said and done, you pissed me off, and that takes some doing as I'm a fairly temperate sort of fellow. I wouldn't forgive you for besmirching my name and committing murder. There are, and should always be, limits to my mercifulness and unfortunately for you I get to decide what they are, in fact if you used your brain and read your 'favourite book' you'd know what they were; You crossed that line with zealot like fervor and a big smile on your face. You can't be ruthless to others and expect mercy for yourself.
Billy: But....but....
God: Got to Hell (seriously, that is where you are going), and trust me, your hairy pimply butt will definitely be a focal point there.
Billy then goes to Hell
The End

How to Treat a Lady... (Part I)

I was recently solicited for advice on how to treat a lady, I obviously pleaded my ignorance in all things women, but despite my repeated admonishments that I have no experience in how to treat a real lady, I still couldn't help let the idea swirl in my head and languish in my ignorance.

I had originally intended to commence with my usual adolescent fraternity dribble about how it's typically better to say a joke, act cold(assholesque), and bluntly tell people what to do etc. but end of the day, it's complete BS guys all told to make ourselves feel better; For the real catch, you need the real deal.

I even quoted my favourite skirt chaser's take on life and marriage, "Guys want some dumb hottie to run around with and will only settle down when the sure thing is good enough versus rolling the dice at a bar."

Guys (Alpha Males in particular) want a girl slightly to waaaaay dumber than they are, so the guy can make the call about where to eat and when to hit the sack. Guys want a companion, not a warden. Men love it when a girl is literally in awe of their views and capabilities. If you haven't tried dating someone dumber than you, try it. If there are no girls dumber than you, then you deserve to end your genetic line, if for nothing else, than the betterment of man kind.

Who wants a chick to nag them when you could get an academically challenged bombshell, but unfortunately (for him) he wasn't looking for the usual Alpha Za BS I tend to spew.

Apparently, my former protege and now present day schmuck had met, The One. I was rather disappointed in him, God took him away from us far too soon (R.I.P). After saying a small prayer for his lost soul, I have subsequently succumbed and am providing him with advice that goes against my better judgement.

I'd like to preface this by saying that he isn't looking to merely score, he legitimately feels that this is Mrs. I'm ready to Retire my Play Boy Subscription and am a Cluster fucking Idiot.

There is a huge difference in trying to build a relationship with the girl of your dreams as opposed to one night standing it.

1. You Hit the Mother of all Jack Pots: Regardless of any Man Law ratings services, your date is the most beautiful desirable girl on the face of the cluster fucking planet. Period.

Do not pay any attention to the swarms of drop dead gorgeous girls around, trust me, she has already noticed them and feels self concious. If you want to make any degree of inroads with (or on) her, pretend they don't exist. If you want to gawk at hot girls, then go to a strip club or to a girls volleyball match.

Pay legitimate compliments, hopefully because you mean them, but mainly because women are generally insecure. By telling her that she looks good will give her confidence and make her more responsive to you. But this has to be done properly, gentlemanly in fact. No Stupid Shit.

Do not compliment her on her figure beyond the general 'you are looking great'. To be clear, telling a girl she has a nice rack is stupid and a sure shot way to have water thrown on your face. If on the off chance she likes it, then re-evaluate, she might be good for a little fun, but you have ask yourself if you really want to play with the toy that's been tossed around the entire play ground, can you imagine how many other guys germs are all over it? But if your really committed, go all out.

2. Specific Meal Payment Etiquette; These are time honored and true. I refuse to believe that girls are offended by these no matter what their degree of feminism is (if they are feminist, run for the hills....or at least Capitol Hill, DC intern staffers are cute and lonely....but I digress).

Do not let her pay for any portion of the meal. You pay for her meal, not because it's a power play and you tell yourself that she'll be paying for it later, because you have the profound privilege of her company. An alternative rule that I have heard is that the person who issues the invite is the one responsible for paying, but that's a cop out for any self respecting employed guy. Men woo Women. Period.

When the bill arrives, if she does more than the token protest and offer to pay (this will usually happen), then simply reply how it's the best investment you ever made. If she continues to haggle you (I still recommend running to the hill), then reply (with as much fake sincerity as you can muster) that she can get the next one (tab).

This does two things, firstly she'll think your serious about seeing her again (even if you don't want to) and secondly she'll find it really clever and flattering. You can also keep repeating this line for future dates in perpetuity.

Now these responses will work for 99% of all dates, nut if she really is a complete nut job on her period (did I mention how you should be running for the hill?) and is extremely insistent. Then offer to continue the date and let her get coffee or desserts from somewhere else. (So you get to spend more time with The One).

However, I do remember a story from my resident skirt chaser in chief where he used the above tactics and nothing worked. Fortunately for the story, he's a rather obstinate fellow and felt that he had to win the argument (no man legitimately dating a truly rad girl will win every (or any) argument, nor does he really want to), so he leaned over her and smirkingly said 'why don't you take care of me later and we'll call it even', after which he was expecting her to stomp off as mad as a hornet, however, she cooly replied, 'Well, I'm not going to, so why don't you save the money and get yourself a nice tart off the street'. This girl deserves honorary bro membership. Respekt.

3. Eyes on the Prize: This is actually very simple. Do not look at her chest. Laws of common dating etiquette dictate that Women don't mind the odd admiring class or if you are checking them out on their way in or out of a place (I think its so that can you can watch out for the pretty face with the lobster body (all the meat is in the back)). Women like the respectful appreciation as long as you can put your tongue back in your mouth within a reasonable period of time. But they take severe issue with you if you have a fixation with their chest area and to be frank, I can't blame them.

A friend of mine (Fred), while out to dinner was informed by his date that she didn't like that he stared at her breasts all the time, and that it made her feel like a piece of meat. He helpfully responded, "Yeah but like a premium genetically superior steak". Needless to say Fred is a Grade A cluster fucking idiot, but he serves as a useful lesson. Eyes Up!

If your eyes need to wander somewhere, make sure it's right into her eyes. Girls tend to find it flattering. But the key is not to look too intensely, then it's just creepy.

4. Promote the Color Red; Red roses, red wine, red steak, red bull all the best things in life are red. Even Vampires agree, blue blood just isn't as good as red. The color red should be very important to you, a red tie for example exudes power (duh...obviously you're suited up).

Always tell a girl that she looks amazing in red, because frankly it's a (scientifically proven) sensual color; It gives girls more confidence to be daring and fun. And odds are you'll get lucky..ier than you usually would.

5. This is Your Party, Make it Count; Your main duty for the duration of the date isn't gathering her medical history, how many kids she wants, what her job entails (PS: terms like works in fashion typically means low level employee in a retail outlet) or canvassing her political views (no good can ever come of this, remember, your trying to seduce her, not debate health reform). Your role is to make sure she is having a good time and not screw things up.

Since most dates will be over coffee or a meal, you will have plently of talking time, so make sure you have some funny anecdotes to tell, or just make some up if your really not that interesting.

If you want to know if a girl finds you riveting (and worthy of a second date/kiss), then lower your voice a few decibels and see if she leans forward. If she does, then keep doing what you're doing (even if all it is, is making fart jokes...ohk maybe not), if not, then that means she hardly cares, change your line of attack.

All you need to do is find out what she is interested in, and ask her about that and somehow relate that to something you do. Girls look for signs that you are compatible and that you've made an effort for her.

"Aw, did you dress up just to impress me?" The reason why a guy should dress up for a lucky lass isn't so that she can be wowed by your latest array of threads, it should be because he feels that she is so beautiful, that she deserves to be out with a well dressed man (though if she's impressed, why the hell not?).

If you can't pull off a sincere sounding response with a straight face, then practice in front of the god damn mirror. (this is actually redundant as she knows you dressed up for her, she's teasing, you stupid cluster fuck).

Thou shalt open the door, car door (preferably your bedroom door). It's a quaint old tradition, but girls like this part of the wooing process. I have little clue why, but I am assuming Hugh Grant did something that made it seem chivalrous. Besides, nothing says I like you, than opening the door for a girl so you can check her out.

To be continued...

Be Nice to your Local Prostitute

Prostitutes; there is unlikely to be any group that has more prejudices against them than hookers. There have been countless debates both bashing and expressing sympathy for these prostitutes. Between hearing about how evil and morally depraved they are, and how sad it is, that they are being forced into this profession, I have a rather different take. 

How about this. Why don't we all gather together, grabs some red bulls, take donations and Thank them (the red bull and donation kitty is for me btw, financially the ladies do pretty well for themselves (and their dead beat husbands)).

Prostitutes are called a range of things, from home wreckers to Satan's mistresses etc. But I really do think they deserves society's thanks. It is the world oldest profession after all, lets take some pride in our historical traditions (incidentally it's much older than marriage). 

Can anyone compute how many unsatisfying marriages have been preserved as husbands, chose to hit up a brothel rather than embarking on an scandalous affair with the maid, nanny, office colleague, Secretary, random hot chick roaming around on the street?

Having met men in Pakistan in particular, I would offer that millions have been saved, and millions more will be. As human beings, its easy to hate someone if they are a vague stereotype, but if it's someone that people know personally. Well that is an emotional time bomb waiting to happen. 

As a people we take abnormal pride in the institution of marriage (family is everything etc etc etc blah blah blah...blah blah blah), so we tend to turn a blind eye to allegations of infidelity, and focus our attention on that damned hooker jauntily strolling on the side walk. 

Incidentally, maybe one should remind themselves that the only reason that the lady is there in the first place is because the guys in the community avail themselves to her services. 

I'm not saying that all women should start behaving like prostitutes in the bedroom (though I know any number of men who wouldn't be opposed)  or should blame themselves (which men cheating on them will liberally do anyway), but they should take comfort in that their men are (hopefully) discreetly going to professional....relievers, rather than having a public affair.   

I asked one of my friends, who admittedly has a wandering eye (only one, the other is on a perpetual lookout for his nosy wife) about his prolific infidelity, he offered this; 

'The only real difference between a whore and your wife, is that at least the whore tells you up front how much you'll have to pay; because either way you're paying for it.' 

It's a pretty blunt justification. He also spoke about the magical feeling of control and how it made him feel like a man etc, but he is a moron, so I tuned out as a hot girl walked by. 

Now I can go on for pages and pages about how morally depraved my friend is, how sad it is that he unable to keep his marriage vows  and what utter havoc he is engulfing his marriage in, but why bother. 

If he wanted my advice, he'd have asked me first (preferably before he grabbed his wallet and made his way to the working girl strip). Though, come to think of it, he did have the habit of carrying a lot of small bills on him.  

But the fact is that he didn't (and men in general don't), because we are all imperfect and try desperately to be better than we actually are. That facade is very important to any man, regardless of how little he respects his family. So it is important that it remain a secret for all involved, otherwise the ensuing scandals destroys not only his marriage, but the family network that (in all likelyhood) put them together in the first place. 

Seriously, blame the guys. They are rational adults (when not in heat) and make their own decisions (when their wives aren't making it for them), dumping blame on a girl who is trying to make ends meet is pretty hypocritical. 

After all, we are all a product of our circumstances, which is why Islam is a religion of tolerance. Which means, that we have a right to hold ourselves to whatever standards we wish, but we cannot impose our values and choices on others (though if we could, I vote for slutty skirt week). 

Oddly enough, in Bangladesh a cleric promulgated that Islamically, prostitution is legal and is a legitimate way for a gal to make some coin. Apparently no one here got the message. 

Ever wondered why? Because prostitution is not a religious issue, nor is it really a moral one. It is social, admittedly a lot of women are forced into it (by men btw), but end of the day we are all given choices and if a girl wishes to choose this profession, she ought to be lauded. After all, prostitutes typically have a nil to a no chance in hell probability to getting a life with the perfect man and a picket fence. She is instead a social outcast (albeit a fairly wealthy one).

She takes one for the team (team being the institution of long marriages ). 

No man takes pride in visiting a prostitute. If you ask a guy what he did today, he is unlikely to reply 

"oh that hooker strolling around on main street, she said I was so good, that she gave me a discount, What Up (high five)!"

A guy doesn't tell his friends about his liaisons unless he is an idiot. The fact is that most men are idiots (please refer to my Tiger Woods post for details), we are terribly at subtle lies, so an evening spent with a prostitute becomes a fully fledged battle with a gang of heroin addicts, one of whom gave him a hickey.....and lipstick on the collar...and was bathed in perfume (cheap to expensive depending on the Hookers rate). 

Women do realize that their spouses are cheating, they tend to instead focus their anger on the working girls rather than their husbands, who somehow are absolved of the blame, because hormonely men cannot resist an available women (even if the women costs 10% of that wealthy guys take home salary). That is flipping insane.  Besides, married women do benefit. 

Prostitutes are professionals. They know what they are doing. I am sure that guys learn (and perfect) a few tricks with them that their wives and girlfriends will appreciate later. 

Which begs the question; Ladies, ever wonder how your husband has finally improved their technique and has now mastered the art of spooning? Well look no further than your local street walker whom you jeer at on a daily basis. 

Stop throwing stones at them, instead throw a reef of flowers (if you have money then throw that into my donation kitty...and lob the red bull at me....very gently).